Looking for a Basketball Court

My task is to find a basketball court. For some reason this fills me with happiness. I walk through this huge sports complex and see all kinds of courts. Tennis courts, volleyball courts, badminton courts. Even squash courts!

Not a singe basketball court.

But it's okay. I keep looking because for some reason I'm filled with happiness and hope.

Helen the Mad Scientist

On a secret wing of DLSU, Helen the Mad Scientist in conducting experiments. It's unclear to me what my status is. I mean, it's not a class although Helen treats us like students and it's mostly boys. So I just watch and wait for someone to tell me what to do.

It's fascinating, what she does. She grabs one person by the hair and slices off his scalp. Peels of the skin on his face. Takes his eyes of his sockets as if she were picking up clams from their shells. Then stabs him in the belly.

I wonder about Helen. What she wants to achieve. If this is an experiment, where are her notes? Am I expected to take down notes? Who is this silent man beside her? Is he her assistant?

She finishes off all the people in the room until it's just her and me and the silent man.

I look at her square in the face. "Are you going to kill me too, Helen?"

"No, silly. I killed those I thought would steal my ideas. We can go now."

But the hallway is haunted by the ghosts of those Helen killed. I can hear their cries. I can feel hands pulling my hair. I've never been so afraid. But still we walk on to the elevator.

When we get there it won't work. I start to cry. "It's me! I'm unlucky with elevators! I'm cursed!"

No sooner than those words are out of my mouth, the elevator opens and I step in. It starts to close before Helen and her silent assistant can step inside and briefly I consider leaving them behind. But I catch Helen's threatening red eyes and with a sigh I press "open" to let them in but the elevator continues to close and I have no choice but to grab them both towards the inside.

On the way out of the DLSU campus, everything seems so normal. I make a note to remind Daddy to stay away from the haunted wing.

David, Stolen Car, Juliet

I ambush David in his office. This hole-in-the-wall place with cobblestone streets and a nearby lake. I park right in front of his building.

To get to this place, I caused 3 accidents, lost control of the car's breaks and ran several red lights.

Contrary to the majority's expectations, he's in a good mood and quite happy to see me. He gives me a tour of his office and introduces me to his co-workers. He has to attend to some things so while waiting I browse through the fashion magazines in the lobby. I'm horrified because I'm in every one.

When I ask him about it he says, "You didn't know? Here's one of you when you got married. It's pretty but you look at little pale."

I start to cry. "Who took these pictures? They had no right! This is my life!"

Now he starts to act more like the David I know. He rolls his eyes at me. Calls me immature. Calls me daft. Calles me naive. Calls me childish. Then he says, "Move on Camille. Such is life. Crying will get you nowhere."

I realize what he says is true. Crying is so pointless. So I thank him for all his trouble and go to the car only to find out that it's been stolen.

***

Juliet, no other than that St Pain secretary who made my life miserable for 5 years by screwing up my schedules, has booked me on a plane to Boracay. "Sorry Miss," she apologizes, "pasensya na pero nakalimutan ko na nag-resign na nga pala kayo." Yeah, whatever, like when was she ever sorry for all her screw-ups.

It's chaos on the plane. I can't find my seat. I lose my bag. People keep asking me what I'm doing there and I have to keep repeating, "Well, see, Juliet screwed up one more time..."

It's so beautiful in Boracay and a part of me forgives Juliet for including me in this company junket but when she starts assigning rooms, she gives me this small, shitty, scary-looking room and I don't even get to choose a room mate.

"Juliet! Ano to? Bakit naman ganito yung kwarto ko? Bakit sakin napunta yung pinaka-panget? Wala man lang akong room mate!"

"Miss, pasensya na pero walang gustong maki-share sa inyo. Wala kang mga kaibigan. Iniwan ka na nilang lahat."

"Leche ka Juliet. Tumahimik ka kung hindi sasampalin kita! Ikaw ang walang kaibigan! Bwisit ka sa buhay ko! Bwisit! Dapat matagal na kitang pina-patay!"

I throw some sand in her face and lock myself up in my shitty room and wonder if what she says is true, that I don't have any friends.

The Five Locks

I wake up and wonder where I am. It seems like I'm in an apartment. Outside seems like St Scho grounds. I'm wearing my blue and white cotton pajamas. I walk to the front door that's closed but not very securely and is blocked from the outside by huge plants in huge pots. I try to peek out through the gaps and am spotted by a man sweeping the grounds. He stops like he's scared. I wonder, who knows I'm staying here? I hope nobody thinks I'm intruding! I decide that I might as well address him.

"Good morning!" I call out.

"Good morning miss," he says and moves towards where I am and I retreat into the shadows.

From inside, I instruct him to move the plants away from the door as they are a hazard. He obliges. As he moves them, one by one, it comes to me that I have made myself totally defenseless. One quick look inside and it's only Sockie and Me in this strange dark apartment but Sockie is asleep.

I quickly take a look at the door and start securing it firmly.

There are five locks. I start with the one on top. When I get to the very last one, I feel so much better. The man has just finished moving the plants. And from the gaps in the door I see him give me a sinister smile.

***

I can't believe it's Christmas again. This time it has caught me completely unprepared. I didn't buy anything for anyone. The whole family has gathered not in the Baliuag house but in a strange ultra futuristic white house with lots of stairs. We're given rooms to rest in before the party starts. It's going to be different this time since Diko is dead. (Wait a minute, he died?)

I share a room with Ayie and Kim and it's just like the old times except that we have a room for ourselves and don't have to share with cousins and nephews and nieces. Even the bed is spacious and we don't have to worrry about sleeping in the middle only to wake up at the edge because a dozen other people have squeezed themselves in.

I am so sleepy but we laugh and tell stories like we used to. And it's getting dark and I wonder what's going on because our Christmas parties start right smack at noon.

So the three of us eventually make our way down. We see Tita Eli who seems sad. She disappears into her room. (Diko really must be dead!) Daddy meets us and says, "The party has been cancelled out of respect for your Tita Eli's feelings."

I'm so puzzled and I resolve to talk the matter over with Ayie and Kim. But back in our room I'm overcome with a heavy sleep and never get to ask.

Disappearing Train Station

"Next stop Wan Chai station. Doors open on the left."

I get off. I only have enough money for the ride back but I'm excited to take lots of pictures.

I take pictures of the well, the shrine, the Chinese vendors. It bothers me that this doesn't seem like Wan Chai at all! I could be anywhere!

True enough, I can't find the train station anymore. It has disappeared! I nervously hold my octupus card and start asking people, "Which way to the train station? Which way back to Lan Tau?"

But no one answers me.

***

I get a package from Teejay and a etter saying he's back for a visit. The letter says, "This package is just an excuse to see you so I hope you figure it out soon."

I open it and inside are scrolled up letters written in an English I don't understand. I unscroll one letter after another and don't understand one single thing.

Empty Gun

I was doing groceries. The supermarket was the venue for a terrorist attack. They took me as a hostage and pointed a gun in my head. There were eight others. We were held captive until we managed to escape.

The next day, it was all over the papers.

Everyone asked me. "Were you afraid?"

"No," I said, "The gun was empty."

"How do you know"

"I just do. It was empty."

Dead Man in Green

Dead bodies everywhere.

This one man, he wasn't dead yet so I gave him a ride. He was wearing green. But he died and I threw him out. One more dead body among the many dead bodies along the streets.

Then I'm sleeping in my room and I feel something on the floor. When I look down it's the man in green. He's grinning at me. A grinning dead body that's not quite dead.

I scream.

Forest Chasing Waves

Forest loves the beach just as much as I do.

I don't remember how we got here. People must be worried about us.

I don't remember packing my orange bathing suit. But here I am wearing it.

I'll call home later. Meanwhile, I will just sit here on the beautiful white sand and watch Forest chase waves.

Ruffled Blouses in a Pretend World

It's the last day of school. I'm having trouble telling my batchmates from my students. This is what uniforms do -- we're all of a sudden all the same.

And we all have subtle ways of rebelling against conformity. Some girls let fall one jumper strap. Some girls lower the waist of their skirts to get that hip-hop look. I let down my hem so that my skirt almost touches my socks. Under my skirt's hem, written in steady print letters, 3 inches high, in white correction pen, is my first declaration of teenage love: "I Love Teejay."

At the same time we're careful to stay the same. Our blouse ruffles must be fluffed up. Otherwise they would look like pleats and only girls from St Scho Marikina have pleats instead of ruffles on their blouses.

Everyone's just hanging out. Under the Acacia, the field, the canteen, the corridors. I go here and there. Then it hits me. I'm bored. There's nothing for me here anymore. I feel so disappointed and let down.

A little sadly, I make my way to Gate 1 and wonder why I even still fit into my uniform. I love it but after high school no one should be required to wear a uniform.

The pretend world should end when high school ends.

My Name is Camille

It is a city without a name. The streets, the people, the buildings, the colors are all without a name.

My name is Camille. I harbor my name like a secret and walk around the city guilty and cursed.

It's wrong to even call it a city because "city" is a name. And since it isn't named, it's forgotten. A Forgotten City.

It's wrong to even think about it in words. Since words are just names.

And there's no such thing as Time.

Since there isn't Time, there isn't Distance.

There's Nothing. But even Nothing is a name. And wrong.

Still it's a beautiful city.

And I continue to walk around, thinking of names that are all wrong.

Stuff

"Bok! You're driving too fast!"

TL is shotgun. I'm at the back. Bok is driving and driving too fast.

To our left, the mountain full of rubble. To our right, a pit. The car is like the devil, zigzagging around the zigzag road.

The windows are closed but everyone's hair is flying. Mine is whipping behind me like the wings they say they look like. My hair is beating on my back and shoulders like a distressed conscience. Flap, flap, flap, says my hair.

I should be scared but it's funny. It's funny because Bok is laughing and for all his crazy driving, he's never been in an accident if you don't count that dog he killed a long time ago.

Bok says, "Okay, everyone, we're coming to a stop. Hold on to the Stuff."

What Stuff?

The car's full of it. Packages, boxes, containers of Stuff.

The car stops, at the edge of the cliff. We jerk forward. Me, TL, Bok and the Stuff.

We grab what we can.

Nothing falls off. We look wide-eyed at each other. Whew. Then we burst out laughing.

This is when I think to ask, "Bok, nasan si Jill?"

***

Oh my God, where did all these people come from? If you think I am cleaning this house, and don't tell me this is my house because look at it, it just isn't, you're so wrong.

Fine, okay, I'll start with this bathroom. Where's Fe? What is she doing by the river? Gathering stones? Well she's lost it and I think I have too! We don't live by the river. See, I told you this isn't my house.

So this room with the adjacent bath is ready. Someone can sleep here. All those rooms I have to clean! Don't even ask me what I'm going to cook for dinner!

I don't know what to do next! It's too hard! I can't!

Who are these people? They're not my guests! This is not my house! I am not cleaning another part of it!

***

Daddy says, "Would you give me a present? I want a radio."

I say, "Uh, okay. What for?"

"I like radios."

"Uh, sure. I'm going to find you the perfect radio."

"You're such a good daughter."

Daddy has never asked me for anything. Anything! This request is making me nervous. I will have to talk to Mama about it.

Surprise Party

I used to love surprise parties. In high school, I used to live to plan them. So it's really no surprise when Moe asks me to help him plan a surprise party for Tina.

But as we're smoothing out the details by the entrance of some auditorium, Tina arrives with her date. And Moe and I are the ones surprised. See, this what I mean, I've lost my touch. Back in high school, I would've known to keep myself invisible.

So Moe and I look at each other like, "Yikes!"

And Tina is like, "What are you doing here? What a nice surprise."

So I give Moe a panicked look that says, "Ikaw ang mag-handle nito." Then I flee to smoke.

Across the street, Sayid is smoking and I play with his German Shepherd and the thought of the surprise party I promised to help organize is vanished from my mind. He says to me in his Iraqi accent, "You're really good with dogs."

"I love dogs. I have a dog. But he's small and silly."

At this point Johnny Depp joins us. He looks dapper. I'm distracted silly, what with these two crushes of mine wanting to smoke with me! And I'm thinking, "Paolo will be so envious! Imagine me smoking with Johnny Depp -- his idol!"

So we have bread and butter small talk which I am so good at but when I tilt my head to give Johnny Depp a meaningful smile the auditorium comes into sight and I remember that party. Shit! So I put out my cigarette, mutter a reluctant farewell, and run back.

More like skip back because I'm so happy. Johnny Depp! Sayid Jarrah! Heehee. How lucky can a girl get?

Okay back to business. Where is everybody? I swing open all the doors and look inside the rooms but they're all empty.

Okay, Camille, don't panic. They must be somewhere. This room? Maybe this room. Or this.

There they are.

"Where were you? Where were you? The party's over!" I look around the room and it's filled with semi-floating balloons and discarded gift wrapper and a half-eaten cake. And the only people left are Paolo, Moe and Cla who happens to be wearing a nice gold dress and I make a mental note to ask her about it later. And it also appears that I've interrupted Moe and Paolo having a really meaningful conversation which freaks me out a little and I make another mental note to ask them what it is they were talking about because right now I'm too thrilled to care too much.

"Oh shit! Sorry! Sorry! You will never BELIEVE who I was smoking with!"

"Who? Who? And what's that you're wearing?"

I look at my clothes and see what they mean! Johnny Depp gave me his deep purple jacket! His Willy Wonka jacket!

"I was with Johnny Depp! This is his jacket! From Willy Wonka! Remember? Remember?"

"You were smoking with him?"

"Yes! And Sayid Jarrah! Heeheehee."

I skip around the room. The discarded wrappers make happer crinkly sounds from under my feet. The balloons soar a little higher. It might as well be that the party was for me. I look like a crazy, over-excited celebrant. Paolo, Moe and Cla look at me like I've lost it but I don't care. I even hum myself a birthday song because I feel like I've just been given a big, big present. What a wonderful day. What a wonderful day.

***

Everyone who is anyone who used to work for Ambergris - MCI is requested to get together for a reunion in Makati. We start to spot each other on the streets as we are all on our way to the same building.

"How are you? How are you?"

There's a happy buzz in the air.

I've never been so happy to see everyone.

All the trainers are walking side by side. Jack and I are jokingly assigning each other blame for imaginary and petty issues. Marian and Rylle are getting along. Raymond is playfully attacking Jill with his remote control car. John is flirting with all the girls. Wow, what is it in the air? Why is everybody getting along?

There are more and more of us. What is head count? I used to know. I smile a secret smile knowing I don't have to know these things anymore.

Denial

I'm sitting by myself outside the classroom when Riya comes up to me to ask, "Delarose, did you know that Stripes, your Stripes is here, actually here in St Scho, at the gym? Did you know that he's commander of ROTC?"

Of course I knew but I'm not telling anyone. It's best to deny it.

"Riya, that's not him."

She doesn't believe me.

"I promise. But who is this guy? Is he tall and hot?"

"Yeah!"

"It may not be him but let's go check him out."

I only see him from afar but it is him. I would recognize him anywhere. I keep watching him and I'm late for class and who should be there but Moe so I say hello but he ignores me so whatever and let me just roll my eyes for the first time today. I'm bothered that Moe and I have the same Ipod. He's even wearing the same shirt as Paolo is. He doesn't like Ipods and he doesn't wear green.

Dear God! I have a feeling I will be rolling my eyes a lot today.

Safe

They're coming closer and closer.

The night is blue like a bruise. I can hear them screeching. They're coming for Forest. My Baby Forest, lying on his little bed, looking at me with his round eyes.

They will torture him before they kill him and eat him.

I have to do something.

What are you gonna do? Paolo wants to know.

Nothing you want to see. This one is on me.

Come, Forest. Come to Mommy.

I cuddle him one last time. And recite my silly made up rhyme:

I love you like your body is long
and your ears are big
and your eyes are slanty
and your coat is shiny
and you're so fluffy
and you're so small
like a dog should be.

Then I take him to the bathroom and hold him by the neck and drown him in the pail.

And as he's struggling, I consider slicing his throat with a razor.

But he's out soon.

And I cry and cry.

Then I dry him with my towel as they come closer and closer.

When they finally break down the windows and the door, when they finally come for him, my baby looks like he's just sleeping.

I will never be happy again. Ever.

But for the moment, I allow a sigh of relief because even if I will never hear his footsteps follow me around, even if I will never cuddle him again, he's safe from them now.

College Week

College week. Our colors are fuschia and purple. Who changed our college colors? When I was in college they were blue and yellow (I think). I'm wearing pink so I guess that's fine. I hate to have to attend mass. This is chapel is cool though, small and well-decorated, with an African tribal healer as a priest to boot.

If I'm in college, why is this the St Scho campus?

It's strange that I don't know anybody and they all seem to know each other. It's even stranger how I ended up to be in the committee in charge of putting up this huge banner.

"Look, it's Sockie on the banner! Hahaha!"

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing just my brother on the banner!"

"He's your brother? He doesn't have a younger sister!"

"He doesn't! I'm way older!"

"Liar! He graduated! Why are you still here?"

"I don't know! I don't know!"

Getting it Right

Aggie and her ideas! I never thought I would see the day that Aggie and I would once again debate about the nature of love that would lead the English Area to burst into song led by Roseo Caburian. Even Roño is present and happy. Everything else that happened -- Me and Sunsh resigning, Roño getting fired, Amor becoming coordinator -- was just a bad, bad dream.

As for the Shakespearean Festival. I'm so glad to not have to be in charge. This way I can concentrate on my advisory class. With God as my witness I'm going to make them win. Where are they? Who among you are my advisory students? Group hug! Let me see your faces. Let me get to know you. I'm going to get being a teacher right this time.

I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have left. It wasn't the right thing to do. I loved being a teacher. I really did. I just got... tired. I took it out on you. But that last year was my best year! It's just that I didn't see you finish it. I was at my best that year and then Amor happened to me. I'm so sorry. We'll get it right this time. I promise. I promise.

Personal Jesus Speech in My Head

Veruca Salt's version of "My Sharona" is playing. I tap my fingers on the conference table, look around and wonder, what the fuck was I called here for?

Other people I recognize: Moe with Rica on his lap and Tina. Would it be terribly, terribly rude to walk away? I know I promised Moe to come but my god what's going on? If only I could leave, if only I could just walk away. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just walk away?

I guess I'll just sit here for a bit . At least they're playing cool music. And maybe now is a good time to rehearse in my head my speech to Moe. I can't wait to tell him what's on my mind:

Look, Moe. I know I promised you. There were people and things I abandoned to accompany you. You should've told me you already had company! You drag me here and there and never explain! I'm getting tired of it! All those times you blamed me! The times you said you were vortex because I wasn't with you when you visited UST! That messed me up! Enough! I can't watch you all the time! Everytime you were brownout I thought it was because it was something I didn't do or because I wasn't with you at some crucial moment. You're so selfish! I'm not your personal jesus! I am my own personal jesus!

***

Hotel.

Who is in charge of the sleeping arrangements in this place?

Lovey, Teejay and David are room mates.

I don't know who I am with. How annoying! I can't be expected to be room mates with strangers!

If only I could find that room with Lovey, Teejay and David. Maybe they'll squeeze me in. Why do the rooms switch around anyway? Is that legal? That can't be legal! How is a girl supposed to find her way around? Like this room over here! That was over there!

What's the name of this hotel anyway?

CIgarettes and a Friend

Princeton.

"Who are you and what are you doing in my bed?"

She says her name is Joanna and she has been Paolo's girlfriend for a year now.

I see, I see. It all makes sense.

Paolo looks really guilty. I'm not mad at him because I knew all along. I knew all along. But I hate him for looking so stupid in front of me and this woman in my bed. I swear I want to beat him up because he looks so stupid and so helpless.

I get my orange backpack and pack. Where I am going I don't know yet.

Guess what I should see in the garage? It's Ed and Fe making out in the car. Wouldn't you know it! It's so funny! I pause for a minute and wonder if I should call Tess but I figure... whatever. Bygones.

It's so difficult to walk out of the house. I grab on to trees and branches and pull myself along. It takes a long time before I make to to the village's gate.

It comes to me where I should be and as soon as it does, I am there. No one else I know is up at this hour.

But this security guard is giving me trouble.

"I'm here to see Moe."

The guard finally takes me to Moe's office that looks like a plush living room and I wait and I realize how wasted I look in my pajamas. I'm not even wearing any shoes. I make up my mind to leave but Moe appears wearing his blue polo and slacks.

"Hey. I just thought I needed some company."

"Oh, Camille."

So him and I just walk out and smoke and try to figure out what to do. It's a beautiful night even if I don't have a bed because I have a few cigarettes and a friend.