this house

it's changed much, this house.

we're eating lunch, just having a really pleasant time.

ab arrives with ch. ab motions, "you cut your hair."

i flip it, "yes, yes." i am feeling generous, friendly, welcoming.

A and i walk to my room. i'm feeling shy. "this was my room," i say. the house keeps changing but i know my way around it. i talk about the tiles, the ceiling. outside is the garden, sunlight, heat. inside is this ruin that is familiar and safe. it embarrasses me to take her around this neglect but i want to tell her that i love it, that without this i will be lost. these unused rooms, these creaky sounds.

it hurts.

i can't explain anymore. i watch closely to see if she understands. she does.