As the King's favorite concubine, I know certain things. I know that outside these walls, all Chinese children are being slaughtered like pigs. He tells it to me in detail so that I am able to see what goes on. The children first then the adults.
The Chinese community is thrown in confusion. All their dead children line the pavements. They are not buried; their stink allowed to weigh heavy around them like a shroud.
"Why kidnap them when I can kill them?"
"Do they smell like dimsum -- the Chinese, I mean -- when they're left to rot?"
"Like rotten dimsum." The King can't make up his mind who's funnier -- him or me.
Elephants stomp around the disheveled city just because the King thinks it would be a hilarious picture and I have to admit it kinda is.
The King and I huddle together in a naughty air of conspiracy. It's all a childish prank to him. With his one hand in between my legs and his other hand cupping his mouth to my ear, he tells me his other gruesome pranks. He set China town on fire because "it's so ugly and smelly." It was funny, he adds, to watch the little Chinese "peasants" run around speaking Chinese that "sounded ugly."
Something occurs to me. "Do you rape the women?"
"What for? Anyone I fuck will just like it."
His hand between my legs. I can't think. I can't follow his logic. I can't argue.
"Castro is coming to wage war on me. He loves the Chinese."
"Noli de Castro?"
"Fidel Castro. Hello! Let him come. Let him make his way to me."
Dead Chinese bodies will line the runway he lands on. Dead Chinese bodies will be the dimsum he eats. Dead Chinese bodies will make the incense to scent the air he breathes. Dead Chinese bodies will be the very streets he walks on.
"You're crazy," I tell him, "What makes you think he simply won't send a nuclear missile from Cuba?"
He laughs.
He lays me on the bed and starts fucking me.
"Concubine, concubine. My favorite, favorite concubine."
Monday, April 24, 2006
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Gold Slippers
When TL and Bunny finally arrive, TL presents me with a no-reason present. Gold slippers! They fit exactly.
"Sabi sayo kasya!" Bunny says to TL.
"We were worried about the size," TL says.
"You know, I don't understand it myself but it appears my feet are growing! Weird! But these fit exactly. I love them! Thanks!"
"Sabi sayo kasya!" Bunny says to TL.
"We were worried about the size," TL says.
"You know, I don't understand it myself but it appears my feet are growing! Weird! But these fit exactly. I love them! Thanks!"
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
The Good Pass
It's a coed retreat so it can't be St Scho but it sure looks like the St Scho retreat house in Tagaytay and there are 30 of us to a room -- boys and girls! We even have unisex bathrooms!
Everyday, a trainer teaches me how to play soccer. None of us have any of our old clothes so we're outfitted with all the clothes we'll ever need. I have all these cool Adidas sportswear in my closet. I get to wear a new combination everyday.
Our days are busy and the house gets pretty chaotic but even so our society, because that's what we've become, is peaceful like we know Big Brother is Watching.
Moe sleeps across from me. We don't talk. We don't even look at each other directly but I look when I think he doesn't notice and he looks when he thinks I don't notice. We've memorized each other's movements so we don't have to cross each other on the aisles between the beds or have to be in the unisex bathroom at the same time or have to eat together. Sometimes, it can't be helped that we're being trained together but even on the field we don't say a word to each other. No one can tell we were friends or that we even met before.
Moe and I are ever so civil like strangers are to one another. One day, playing on the field, the day he wore his blue jacket and me my white, I almost called out to him, "Here, here! Pass to me!" But I stopped myself but I think he understood anyway because he kicked the ball to me and I was so embarrassed that I botched the good pass.
That night, we followed our unspoken routine. We never crossed each other on the aisle, we never used the unisex at the same time. Right across from me, can you imagine? And not a word. I said to myself, "Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will set this right."
The next day he was gone. His bed was made. On my bed, beside my pillow was a package he left. Bric-a-brac, pictures of us, (returned) letters from me to him, letters he wrote to me.
I open one and start to read. "Dear Camille." I cry so much that I can't read anymore.
Then I hear the bell that means it's time to train so I leave the package there on my bed and soon forget about it. I even manage to convince myself that I was just dreaming. There was no Moe and no package. It was just a dream.
Everyday, a trainer teaches me how to play soccer. None of us have any of our old clothes so we're outfitted with all the clothes we'll ever need. I have all these cool Adidas sportswear in my closet. I get to wear a new combination everyday.
Our days are busy and the house gets pretty chaotic but even so our society, because that's what we've become, is peaceful like we know Big Brother is Watching.
Moe sleeps across from me. We don't talk. We don't even look at each other directly but I look when I think he doesn't notice and he looks when he thinks I don't notice. We've memorized each other's movements so we don't have to cross each other on the aisles between the beds or have to be in the unisex bathroom at the same time or have to eat together. Sometimes, it can't be helped that we're being trained together but even on the field we don't say a word to each other. No one can tell we were friends or that we even met before.
Moe and I are ever so civil like strangers are to one another. One day, playing on the field, the day he wore his blue jacket and me my white, I almost called out to him, "Here, here! Pass to me!" But I stopped myself but I think he understood anyway because he kicked the ball to me and I was so embarrassed that I botched the good pass.
That night, we followed our unspoken routine. We never crossed each other on the aisle, we never used the unisex at the same time. Right across from me, can you imagine? And not a word. I said to myself, "Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will set this right."
The next day he was gone. His bed was made. On my bed, beside my pillow was a package he left. Bric-a-brac, pictures of us, (returned) letters from me to him, letters he wrote to me.
I open one and start to read. "Dear Camille." I cry so much that I can't read anymore.
Then I hear the bell that means it's time to train so I leave the package there on my bed and soon forget about it. I even manage to convince myself that I was just dreaming. There was no Moe and no package. It was just a dream.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Masquerade
I've stumbled upon a masquerade. I'm not masked but when I look at what I'm wearing I'm surprised to see I'm wearing an odd green and white button-down ruffled combo. Ruffles, geez.
The strip of bars looks unfamiliar but I feel right at home and go from bar to bar, sipping my tea which everyone thinks is beer.
Since everyone is in a mask they think I'm in a mask as well. They think I'm someone else pretending to be Camille.
I remember looking at the nights at Ortigas. Empty streets. Traffic lights changing for nobody. A scene from a David Lynch movie.
This night redeems all those empty nights. There are tiangge strips, bars, clubs and concerts, amusment parks, wild rides, car races.
I stop at one stall to buy fish balls.
The strip of bars looks unfamiliar but I feel right at home and go from bar to bar, sipping my tea which everyone thinks is beer.
Since everyone is in a mask they think I'm in a mask as well. They think I'm someone else pretending to be Camille.
I remember looking at the nights at Ortigas. Empty streets. Traffic lights changing for nobody. A scene from a David Lynch movie.
This night redeems all those empty nights. There are tiangge strips, bars, clubs and concerts, amusment parks, wild rides, car races.
I stop at one stall to buy fish balls.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Nyanne's UST Friends
"Nyanne and Camille lived in their gingerbread house."
- Pax '95 (High School Year Book)
I'm driving Nyanne to a party. She won't say where and she won't say whose except to say, "Some friends from UST."
Since I don't know where we're going exactly, she gives me last minute instructions, "Turn right, right, right! Oh fuck, we missed it. Make a u-turn there, there, here!"
Soon, we find ourselves in Commonwealth (the end of the world) where the only familiar place to me is UP but we go past UP and I begin to suspect where we're going and start a harangue.
"No, Annie, no! I'm not driving you anywhere anymore! I know where we're going you can't trick me into going!"
But she finds the whole thing hilarious and I begin to feel the downside of having good manners because as much as I want to tell her to get out of the car, I just can't.
And my suspicions turn out to be correct because it's Moe's party and as I consider where and how to park, I also consider what to do about the situation. I decide, as we're walking to the party, to tell Nyanne some of the truth.
"See here, Annie, maselan na sitwasyon to."
"Maselan? How?"
"In a lot of ways I can't explain right now! Besides, I'm not even invited!"
But I've been spotted. Moe hands me a beer and tells me to sit anywhere but I'm too dumbfounded by everything that I just stand there with my beer.
Nyanne, meanwhile, goes across the street to a boy's dorm and starts flirting with everyone and I hear her laugh her really loud and hearty laugh, the only one that could match mine in high school, and I'm so envious because she's enjoying the night and I'm not.
I go around Moe's party and I find no one to laugh with, until Moe who is the host after all, takes pity on me and talks to me but it's so noisy that I can't hear what he's saying. I watch his mouth move, I watch his movements but I can't understand a thing he wants to tell me.
"Slow down! What? What are you saying?"
He begins again but I still don't understand anything.
So I give up. I walk back to the car and leave Nyanne in the boy's dorm.
The car makes a toot toot toot noise as I back up and check all my mirrors to see why. Why? I'm not going to hit anything! But it continues even more loudly toot toot toot and there really must have been something back there because I crash quite loudly. My head hits the steering wheel and I get knocked unconscious.
- Pax '95 (High School Year Book)
I'm driving Nyanne to a party. She won't say where and she won't say whose except to say, "Some friends from UST."
Since I don't know where we're going exactly, she gives me last minute instructions, "Turn right, right, right! Oh fuck, we missed it. Make a u-turn there, there, here!"
Soon, we find ourselves in Commonwealth (the end of the world) where the only familiar place to me is UP but we go past UP and I begin to suspect where we're going and start a harangue.
"No, Annie, no! I'm not driving you anywhere anymore! I know where we're going you can't trick me into going!"
But she finds the whole thing hilarious and I begin to feel the downside of having good manners because as much as I want to tell her to get out of the car, I just can't.
And my suspicions turn out to be correct because it's Moe's party and as I consider where and how to park, I also consider what to do about the situation. I decide, as we're walking to the party, to tell Nyanne some of the truth.
"See here, Annie, maselan na sitwasyon to."
"Maselan? How?"
"In a lot of ways I can't explain right now! Besides, I'm not even invited!"
But I've been spotted. Moe hands me a beer and tells me to sit anywhere but I'm too dumbfounded by everything that I just stand there with my beer.
Nyanne, meanwhile, goes across the street to a boy's dorm and starts flirting with everyone and I hear her laugh her really loud and hearty laugh, the only one that could match mine in high school, and I'm so envious because she's enjoying the night and I'm not.
I go around Moe's party and I find no one to laugh with, until Moe who is the host after all, takes pity on me and talks to me but it's so noisy that I can't hear what he's saying. I watch his mouth move, I watch his movements but I can't understand a thing he wants to tell me.
"Slow down! What? What are you saying?"
He begins again but I still don't understand anything.
So I give up. I walk back to the car and leave Nyanne in the boy's dorm.
The car makes a toot toot toot noise as I back up and check all my mirrors to see why. Why? I'm not going to hit anything! But it continues even more loudly toot toot toot and there really must have been something back there because I crash quite loudly. My head hits the steering wheel and I get knocked unconscious.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Dear Prudence
Training and Quality Office, 37th floor. Dim lights.
What's going on?
"Mermaid, I thought you resigned!"
"I did. I'm back. Pretty cool, huh?"
"But I thought I resigned as well! For good! Forever!"
"You must've been dreaming!"
It's too good to be true. Jill, Lovey, Jojo, Doods, Ariel, Me. Just us in our favorite room. We're all pooped from training and all talking quietly and laughing quietly and just taking advantage of each other's company before our Quality cousins come in and just burst with shrill chatter after the whole shift of just listening to all those boring calls.
I want to tell Jill, Lovey, Jojo, Doods and Ariel, "I really, really love you, you know?"
What's gonna happen if they find out I really resigned? Will I be escorted out of the building like the people who stole from company money?
All my passwords still work. My work station hasn't been touched. My headset is right here. I've never worn my ID but look, I'm wearing it now! Outside is... darkness. It's... night! I guess it's true. I'm back.
I should just keep printing these manuals before my passwords expire or before someone detects my presence and I'm called an impostor but, oh no, shit!
"Shit!"
"What?"
"The printer's not printing!"
"You'll have to print outside."
"Noooo!"
"It's simple! You can select the printer you want to print with, you know?"
"I know that! I'm not completely inane! I just don't want to step out to the colony! Please just let me stay in here! I don't want to leave! You might not be here when I get back! Please! I'm afraid! Things just change a lot around here and I don't want to lose you. And in my dreams I'm not going to be with you for long! Please!"
"Camille, we swear, we're not leaving this room."
So I go. Click, click, click, my shoes would say except that the floors are carpeted. So with my chin up I glide.
The colony is bigger than I remember. It stretches on and on. I hear the familiar drone of voices. I feel sick. But I carry on walking until I reach the printer and wait for my stuff to come out. Pages and pages of the training manual.
I'm so afraid. I wish it would finish printing already. All these people I love. Will I lose them? What will happen when I leave this place? Will we find a way to keep in touch and be friends? I'm scared!
To keep myself brave, I sing, "Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play? Dear Prudence, such a lovely day. The sun is up, the sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you."
Eventually, a heavy drowsiness overtakes me and I fall asleep.
What's going on?
"Mermaid, I thought you resigned!"
"I did. I'm back. Pretty cool, huh?"
"But I thought I resigned as well! For good! Forever!"
"You must've been dreaming!"
It's too good to be true. Jill, Lovey, Jojo, Doods, Ariel, Me. Just us in our favorite room. We're all pooped from training and all talking quietly and laughing quietly and just taking advantage of each other's company before our Quality cousins come in and just burst with shrill chatter after the whole shift of just listening to all those boring calls.
I want to tell Jill, Lovey, Jojo, Doods and Ariel, "I really, really love you, you know?"
What's gonna happen if they find out I really resigned? Will I be escorted out of the building like the people who stole from company money?
All my passwords still work. My work station hasn't been touched. My headset is right here. I've never worn my ID but look, I'm wearing it now! Outside is... darkness. It's... night! I guess it's true. I'm back.
I should just keep printing these manuals before my passwords expire or before someone detects my presence and I'm called an impostor but, oh no, shit!
"Shit!"
"What?"
"The printer's not printing!"
"You'll have to print outside."
"Noooo!"
"It's simple! You can select the printer you want to print with, you know?"
"I know that! I'm not completely inane! I just don't want to step out to the colony! Please just let me stay in here! I don't want to leave! You might not be here when I get back! Please! I'm afraid! Things just change a lot around here and I don't want to lose you. And in my dreams I'm not going to be with you for long! Please!"
"Camille, we swear, we're not leaving this room."
So I go. Click, click, click, my shoes would say except that the floors are carpeted. So with my chin up I glide.
The colony is bigger than I remember. It stretches on and on. I hear the familiar drone of voices. I feel sick. But I carry on walking until I reach the printer and wait for my stuff to come out. Pages and pages of the training manual.
I'm so afraid. I wish it would finish printing already. All these people I love. Will I lose them? What will happen when I leave this place? Will we find a way to keep in touch and be friends? I'm scared!
To keep myself brave, I sing, "Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play? Dear Prudence, such a lovely day. The sun is up, the sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you."
Eventually, a heavy drowsiness overtakes me and I fall asleep.
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