tethered

it doesn't cross my mind to doubt that i when i take this step i will leave the ground. and few more steps i will fly. over the city, the houses i have lived in and loved. i feel light and not at all cold like i thought i would be. there is nothing below to hold me.

and above --

and above --

i will myself to keep going. i will not be grounded. i will ascend. i climb the air.

my hair is undone. my dress, my ribbons, my hair -- i am lifted. i am tethered to the sky.

a lone gardener watches as i walk naked in a garden of thistles.

miserable but

i shake with rage. i stand in place shouting words my tongue trips over. feeling left behind, feeling betrayed and shamed, i sling accusations at everyone, hoping some will come true henceforth i will be miserable but correct.

it's a relief

to be home. to find that nothing has changed. the silence. the smell of fallen fruit. the softness of the ground recently watered. every time i come home, i come home to this house. i am still surprised to find that my room is still mine. the house is always empty, always dark. it has remained untroubled, untouched. the flowers still bloom, still give off that smell of satisfied languor. and at night the dogs still howl at the spirits of dead relatives that come home to sleep.

night

in the field. i count the stars. i walk slow.

The Four Generals

Stripped down to their underwear, long and lean, smelling like men, the four generals come into my room to surrender. Immediately I fall in love with one -- the one who looks at me in the eye, the one who understands that later, yes, I will make up excuses to visit him where he is kept prison. I am already rethinking my life all because I want him to take me like a man should. Forceful and fast. Without hesitation. Almost selfishly. I see it happening. I will run down the stairs, go past the garden, behind the chicken shed where the prison is. Maybe I will even learn his name.

air

it feels natural to fly, to soar, to be lifted by will. that they might see panties is a fleeting concern. to keep going until below is nothing but ocean, to see blue above and below, to fall back into air --

i am given red

i am given red. ribbons that are red. the room is full. it is gym. it is church. i don't have time. cut ribbons and give each one a piece of red. i see who they are. it is school. but i am not student. just me, just old, just someone with ribbons that are red. i am patient this time. i know i have left, can leave again. i know i can --

gunfire

i am lost in this shopping center that is about to close. gunfire. i am given a gun. i hide in a room full of crates. i have the sense to back up on the wall but i am shaking. they come closer. i see nothing so i train my ears to listen as i aim.

underwater air

the windows have to be complicated. sometimes you want to let the sun in but not the dust. sometimes you want the air but not the rain. i try each window and in the middle of doing this i see the pool. in the middle of the yard is the pool. the only source of light is this pool. i fall into it. i remember i can swim. i kick to float up. i can't breathe. it seems i will never reach the surface. i am forever kicking upwards wanting to breathe and just as i think of air i start to breathe. still underwater i am breathing, kicking, seeing the surface but never surfacing, hearing muted sounds, filling my lungs with this miraculous, acqueous, underwater air.

chasm

i don't know what to call it except "chasm." it goes deep. it gushes water. i step closer and closer to it. i am filled with awe.


And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced:
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail:
And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred river.
- Coleridge, "Kubla Khan"

just for me

i am getting married in the cathedral that was built just for me.

nothing is no longer in place

at my old school.

been sleeping

i step out of the room that is not mine. measured steps. wooden floor. light. i have been sleeping. my pajamas are white. i am fine, i am fine. i look around the house. i feel i might go unsteady. i keep walking to the door, towards the warmth. i reach out to a hand that is light but sure. outside is sun, air, shore. she pulls up a chair so i can stay and watch the surf, the sky, the light.

River

Curiosity makes me abandon the main road and slip into the dirt roads where the houses get smaller and smaller and farther and farther apart.

I reach the river. The landscape changes and I find that everywhere I look is the river. I float, I row, I navigate around it. It starts to get dark.

I reach a house on stilts. It starts to rain. I pull the shades down but it's still so cold, so wet. Around me the storm, the river, the unknowable land.

Moving In

One

I find myself in a corn field. I can see the house I have to get to. I try to walk towards it but the wind keeps wanting to carry me off.

Two

The indoor pools are empty. They fill up, the people explain, when the tide comes. I step into one and wait.

Three

It will take me a while to get used to my new house. The indoor balcony looks down into the bathroom. It shames me to have people walk by and watch me stand in one of the indoor pools. The ones that fill up when the tide rises.

Four

The room is mine but the clothes are not. I try them on.

Sea Bed

The barge we are on takes us to an underground city. The water is so clear. I can see the words etched on the sea bed.

my legs

refuse to move. i am engulfed by my panic, and by the flames.

Sexy

I walk into class late. As I pass him he tells me he's never seen me so pretty. I don't bother to hide my kilig. I find a seat in front -- seats away from him. But when I look back, he's still looking at me and he's still mesmerized. I take out my notebook and twirl my pen in a way I know he will find sexy.

Even Steps

Paolo, Forest and I love the house at first but we get nervous when we notice the first signs that it is haunted.

A woman calls me on my cell phone telling me that she can see me, that we have to get out. This angers me and I listen to her rantings carefully and see if I can recognize the voice. Meanwhile, to save my family from panic, I slowly make a move to leave. I pick up Forest's leash and he comes running to me. I motion to Paolo to pack our things. With even steps, I walk to the car.

Very Cold

He sees me too late and by the time he waves back I am tossed about in the crowd. I am pushed forward. I travel without having to take a step. It feels like many unfinished hugs. I am laughing out loud. I can see him follow me and it's become like a game.

This continues until someone pushes me too hard and I fly up into the air where it is very, very cold.

Beds

I throw out all my furniture to make space for 100 new beds.

Pink

All around the room are knives. I reach for the nearest knife and cut open the skin of my left pointer. I am surprised at how pink my flesh is. I doesn't hurt at all.

Home

I call her to tell her I am home and if she could come over. Then before I forget I tell her, "It's a different address." I give her my old house's address.

Happy to be home, I don't mind cleaning up. I fix the broken shelves. I sweep the floor. I clear the cobwebs.

Dusk falls. I look for the light switches and wait for her to arrive.

she counts

the dead bodies outside her hotel room.

Her Killer

She watches her father beat up her mother. She feels guilt, relief, sorrow, delight. She turns to her brother who comes to stop the fight, to rescue their mother.

The emotion that wins is relief. That she is not the only witness and that she was true to herself in that she wanted to see their mother dead but at the same time but didn't have to do her daughterly duty of saving her mother from the hands of her killer.

The Beach

I am happy to be home. They show me a new room. It's made of glass and faces the beach. During high tide, when the big waves come, the water eats up the shore near the room. The tide slaps against the glass walls. It's so beautiful. My eyes trace the shore line and see people on the beach. A lot of them are surfing.

I bolt from the room and look for a bathing suit to change into.

"Where are you going? We're going to have dinner!"

I ignore them, find a bathing suit, and run to the beach.

I get pushed into a seat that flies away.

empty

i am holding the movie tickets in my hand. i try to get to the theater but all the stairs leading to that floor disconnect as soon as i set foot on them.

i keep climbing and the stairs keep disintegrating and the mall keeps getting bigger.

disoriented, frustrated, i make it to the theater. it's empty.

Bar of Soap

There's a roadblock on the way to the mall. I sneak pass it. Beyond the roadblock, beyond the mall, is a place I need to get to.

Inside the mall, no one will help me. I try to ask for directions but people push me aside. I fall. I lose my bags.

One girl says she'll help me. She will write down how to get to this place I need to get to. I have no paper. I reach for a big bar of soap.

"Write it here," I say.

She reaches for a knife and uses its point to engrave her first word.

the tower

we hide the body bag (the dead body is inside it) at the nook at the bottom of the tower. he assures me that this is the way it is done. a sacrifice the island needs.

the island is vast. there's so much green. cliffs. trees. the ocean all around us makes a scary, slapping sound. it is deep. i will not come near it so ---

i climb the tower. the stairwell is narrow and at a point it becomes a ladder. i keep climbing. i've never felt so motivated. it is as if i am being called.

i reach a room. it has a bed, books, a window, a desk, a tape recorder. i listen to the instructions that have been left for me. i use the desk to step up, push open a door in the ceiling. i ease myself up to the tower's highest point.

i will look down and survey the island. this vast, tough, indomitable island.

Flag Ceremony

We come in sipping our Starbucks. We're in uniform. They confiscate our coffee and remind us that our cellphones are forbidden. I look to Jill for comfort but she is slipping into high school faster than I can help her. I feel so lost. My cellphone is deep in my skirt's pocket. It makes me nervous. I am committing a high school offense.

I join the flag ceremony. Miserable.

Hose

I step up with the hose to water a hanging plant. The water doesn't stop gushing. I let it spill out of the pot, down my arms, my face, my naked body green like the plant. My skin, green and blooming, drinks up the water.

Is Alive

The murder happens every night with slight variations. What is the same is that the murderer, after stabbing his victim, is somehow overpowered and also dies in a pool of blood. The murderer and the victim, side by side, their blood mixing.

More and more people watch. We've become brave, knowing how we cannot change fate. We will never murder. We will never be murdered. We sit closer and closer to the crime scene.

One night it happens in a theater. We were watching opera. An aria, a death, applause. We are excited to see how they will play out the murder the following night.

A street, a restaurant, a school. The same red pool of blood.

I come closer to the dead bodies. The murderer wakes up, is alive, and grabs my leg.

Syllabus

We are talking about the syllabus. S is angry. N in between us, quiet. S keeps talking until N laughs and leans over for a kiss. I try to catch S's eye but she doesn't see me. I stare in disbelief, feeling more and more betrayed.

as if we were still children

he tells me he is afraid and asks me to sleep in his room.

his room: white curtains. sturdy desk. twin beds on opposite ends of the room.

from my room to his room, i go back and forth, carrying some things i need.

my room: blue. sturdy desk. a bed. books. a little dresser. dark.

back and forth. first, a brush. then, a pillow. a book. it seems like my trips will never end. i am angry at myself.

i feel a presence. from the end of the corridor, someone is watching. i hurry back to his room and shut the door.

school project

we are 15 years old.

they haven't forgiven each other, even though we've traveled back in time.

i feel responsible for this school project and give them assignments.

S says something funny. we all laugh. the air becomes lighter and i feel such relief.

cold and trapped

i say something that makes him snap. he comes into the bathroom where i am taking a shower. "what did you say? what did you say?" his mouth is foaming from anger. i lean across the wall, cold and trapped. i start to shiver.

he lunges forward and goes for my throat.

this house

it's changed much, this house.

we're eating lunch, just having a really pleasant time.

ab arrives with ch. ab motions, "you cut your hair."

i flip it, "yes, yes." i am feeling generous, friendly, welcoming.

A and i walk to my room. i'm feeling shy. "this was my room," i say. the house keeps changing but i know my way around it. i talk about the tiles, the ceiling. outside is the garden, sunlight, heat. inside is this ruin that is familiar and safe. it embarrasses me to take her around this neglect but i want to tell her that i love it, that without this i will be lost. these unused rooms, these creaky sounds.

it hurts.

i can't explain anymore. i watch closely to see if she understands. she does.

veil

i'm already wearing the veil. they can't find the dress. i fish out something red. i tell them it will have to do. they keep looking for the dress.

they find it. they make me wear it.

I say, "i've worn this once before. only once." i point out how delicate the details are.

it's not clear why i have to put it on again.

but i am loving the veil.

i put on the jewelry.

as i walk out i realize i forgot to change my shoes. i walk slow and make sure the hem of my gown covers my sneakers.


you said your vows and you closed the door
on so many men who would've loved you more
- Death Cab for Cutie

it's raining. i'm carrying so many books. the streets keep changing. i am farther and farther away from my classroom.