Doors

There are things known and there are things unknown and in between are the doors.
- Jim Morrison

Chapter 1

We get along so well, she and I. I don't realize even realize that she's killing me until she pushes me down the floor of the car, and puts a pillow on top of my face until I suffocate. Her smile, so much like mine, is the last thing I see.

Chapter 2

A group of us are at a dock, waiting for someone to tell us what to do. I note sadly that we're all dead. I see June Pangan and we exchange stories on how we died. Here, in this place, the question "How did you die?" is a perfect conversation starter.

There must be a way out, since there's a way in. That's only logical, right? I concentrate all my efforts on thinking of that way out. They say there are doors and more doors that I must go through.

I can simply retrace my steps, right? Try to remember how I got here? But I can't remember. Her smile, so much like mine, is the only thing I remember.
Chapter 3

Twilight. Still bright enough to see my way but dark enough to be concealed. I fly over fences, over houses. I am escaping, going back. The mountains are beautiful. The ravines are scary. Everything is so quiet. Until a pack of wild dogs sniff at the air, see me flying above them, and start to bark.

Shit.

Chapter 4

I keep flying. This time I'm flying over a castle. The doors conceal the parties inside but I hear the laughter and the rattling of china and silver.

Inside this castle is my house. Where the library is and all of the old rooms. I open all the doors and check all the rooms. I decide to stay for a while. I can fix this place up, make it feel like home again.

I see a picture of a girl. Her smile, so much like mine, moves to form a grimace.

I scream.

Mudberg

All this water feels claustrophobic. Days and days on this ship and I would give anything for some land.

Is this what drove Rose insane for Jack? Stuck in a cruise ship with all that luzury and nothing to do. Oh, Jack, let's hide in the ship's luggage area and let's fuck like crazy, I'm so bored, and perhaps I can wear nothing but jewelry as you sketch my likeness that will make you want to fuck me more.

Land, someone shouts, land. Oh, thank god and I look around to see if I can see it but I can't then people start screaming, and I believe it's because they're so happy like I am but no, they're frightened and when I look at where they're screaming at, I see a mountain. Land, indeed, coming towards us, or rather, or more accurately, we are coming towards the iceberg of mud -- a mudberg.

So, like, being a smart girl, I run towards the life jackets and it's quite difficult to run with all this water first around my ankles then my calves then my waist.

I am going under and I hope my family will still be able to identify my drowned, wet, dead body.

Puddles, Rock, Alkaline

Restless for the likes of reckless me.
- Joni Mitchell, "Don Juan's Reckless Daughter"

Daddy is arranging to get our visas approved. I hover. Go away, he says but not angrily, go away, I can handle this. Daddy, let me help. No, no, it's quite alright. He smiles at the official, my daughter here, quite the girl to put her finger in everything. He apologizes for me, what for, it's not clear. Why is he mad at me for wanting to fix it myself? When finally it's done, approved, a-ok, we walk. Daddy, Mama and Me walk to the car. It's just rained. The ground is wet. Puddles. Are you alright, Daddy asks. Yes, see, I'm wearing my Doc Martens. I can walk on anything -- puddles, rock, alkaline. Anything at all! I deliberately step on all the puddles. My jeans are six inches in mud but I'm so happy.

G

I should have known, should have known, should have known again.
But here it goes again. Oh here it goes again.
- OK GO

I'm back.

It's Normie who calls the shots. She's the shortest girl in class but she is the class president. She stands on the platform, assigning tasks, making announcements, telling everyone to keep quiet which is really the class president's main job.

She calls me Cookie. Of course there's that nastinest left over from all those years of fighting but being Seniors makes everybody feel sisterly and forgiving which is why, perhaps, she calls me Cookie. Henceforth I will allow it.

I look down at my left jumper strap. There it is -- the G. So, it's true, I'm back.

I almost drown in a wave of panic. Who knows how much time I have left to correct all the things that need to be corrected.

Step one. Ignore Anna. Less than 10 years from now she will proposition you and you'll laugh. Step two. Let Annie be. She's going to UST soon -- the school which made even Jose Rizal unhappy and in that school she will betray you. Step three. Ah, Ella. Warn her about your favorite ex who won't like her as much as she likes him. Step four -- oh forget it. This should be step one -- find Naj. Tell her! Tell her everything!

Now how can I slip past Normie?

It's no fun to go back. This responsibility, heavy like lead, heaviest around my heart.

Don't Ask Questions

Where do I turn? There, the cemetery gates. Tombstones, left and right. Mud. Keep going. A highway, a city. Lights. Why is there a city in the middle of a cemetery? Don't ask questions. Keep driving. Where is this going? The car has no breaks. It's not going to stop. My legs won't move. My arms won't move. I can't drive. The cemetery gates. Tombstones. Mud.

Fair is Fair

Hear them listening. Hear them talking.
Bark, bark, bark, bark.
Talking nonsense.
- Possum Dixon

It's Anna who helps me read my new schedule. She rattles off names of classes I should attend, their times, their venues. I listen carefully but I don't understand her -- it seems as if she's talking too fast and I wonder if I'm getting enough sleep.

And I wonder why she's talking to me. Or if anyone is watching. Or if it's all in my head.

She's saying something important. I concentrate to understand. It has to do with a ring.

"You'll have to give me your rings. As payment, you know."

"No, I don't know."

"Fair is fair, Camille."

And I start to cry. It isn't fair. I don't understand my schedule any better, I'm stuck in my old uniform, I seem to have lost my sense of hearing and now I have to give her my rings.

I hand them to her. She bites off the diamond of the engagement ring (formerly mine) and winks at me.