T for Trouble

Nothing is familiar except his presence. So I go with him quite willingly.

"T for Trouble," he says, looking at me.

I laugh.

8 o' clock

Reno Dakota there's not an iota of kindness in you
You know you enthrall me and yet you don't call me
It's making me Blue Pantone 292
- The Magnetic Fields

There's a big party in my house but I can't enjoy because I keep running upstairs to wait for his call. My blockmates keep calling me, come down, dance, let's drink to the moon, but I put them off and languish by the phone.

They find me asleep by the phone when the party is over.

"He said 8 o' clock!" I cry into my hands. And then just like that the phone rings.

First a Drop

I will it to happen. The sky turns pink like it is reluctantly bleeding and the air is so still like the earth is holding her breath. It's so still, still. I am still. Rain, I think. And I feel the Laws of Physics shift, move, and the earth creaks in her orbit and the Universe, accustomed and bored with such fickle requests, refuses to concede. But I insist. Rain, I think. Rain, rain. I ask until my prayer is heard and it rains like a miracle. First a drop, then another. And soon water pours over the city, washes the streets, finds its way into the canals, makes its way into the ocean where it retires, rumbles, ripples because it is happy to come home.

Without Warning

A warning sign. You came back to haunt me.
- Coldplay

There she is walking to class. She is so sad and lonely. I want to walk up to her and ask her out for a drink. I want to change her life for her or at least get her out of her ratty clothes. I want to tell her how wonderful it is.

I know what class she's going to and I overtake her to beat her to it. I sit down and watch the door for her arrival. She doesn't know anyone in this class and it's going to be hilarious to watch her face scan the room and look for somewhere bearable to sit.

The door opens and she steps inside and wearily surveys the room. (I am laughing deep down inside.) And there it is, an unexpected ripple of joy on her face, a smile for a boy moving his things to give her a seat. Oh Camille, my beautiful young self, I want to warn you about life. I want you to enjoy today, right now. I want to tell you that this boy thinks you are cute. At least ask him his name.

But of course she doesn't. And the term ends and she goes on with her life completely without warning.

No Surprises

I am doing groceries for Ying's surprise birthday party and I'm having a stark-raving hard time because all the items keep changes aisles.

I make my way to the counter and when I get there, Ying's there with April and I give April a murderous look and she just looks totally spaced out.

No surprises.

Late for Busmath

Why can't we give love, give love, give love?
'Cause love's such an old-fashioned word.
- David Bowie, "Under Pressure"

It's a college campus catastrophe. The last of the bad people have been gunned down. I wait for him in the bathroom like we agreed. He comes for me, like he promised. He doesn't look at me. He sits on the floor, catching his breath. "Water?" I ask helpfully, gesturing at the sink. He just sits there like he's thinking of something very, very important. "Maybe you'd like to take a piss?" and this time I gesture at the toilet. He looks straight at me, pulls me down to the floor and gives me a kiss.

Thoughts spin in my head. What have I done? What does this mean? Why did he do that? Does this count as cheating? Who am I cheating, exactly? I love him. This is lifetime karma. What year is it? I love him. Maybe we could run away and not commit the same mistakes. I love him.

It's my turn to just sit there and catch my breath and if I don't tell him I love him it's because I'm afraid I might be acting old-fashioned.

"Let's go", he says, "I'll be late for Busmath."

It's my turn to pull him to the floor for a kiss that not only makes him late for Busmath but for Comath1, Comstat, and all his very important courses.

Underwater

It's coming over you. It's coming over me.
Crashing like a tidal wave that drags me out to sea.
- Plumb

Jill and I look at each other and don't even have to say anything. I wonder if I'll ever get used to digesting my lunch at 2 am. I wonder how I'll get used to doing anything at 2 am. It's unnatural to be up and about: eating, talking, making major decisions.

I'm so tired I don't even notice our friends have joined us. I nod off to sleep, right there on the table. When I come to I see that there are so many people, people I don't even know. I get a sinking feeling in my heart and call out for Jill.

Shawn comes up to me and says, "Chameleon, you need some sleep."

But even as he is saying it I see him slowly disappear and I try to run and scream but I feel like I am underwater and nothing makes sense.

Things I Know

I thought you were really retarded! I can't believe you're not retarded!
- Garden State

It's food paradise right outside the gate. Fishballs, the pink slush with sugar on top, green mangoes, santol, hotdogs, cotton candy, kwek-kwek.

It crosses my mind that I will need a digestive enzyme what with all this junk I'm eating non-stop but my tummy feels fine. Great, in fact. I've never felt younger or more unstoppable.

I reach inside my "invisible" skirt pocket for my phone and panic momentarily when I find out my phone isn't in there. And the fact that I'm in uniform makes my blood pressure shoot up.

I realize a miracle has happened to me. I'm back in time. Life should be a breeze now that I know what I know. For instance:

1. My clear zit-less face and "hair of an Ivory model" will not last due to stress, wear and tear. Best flaunt these assets now.

2. TA is an addict.

3. I will NOT get pregnant. Do not stress about contraception -- artificial or otherwise. (Hurrah!)

And I find that my thoughts are slowing down, slowing down.

Is there anything I can do, I wonder, to change who I will become? It's a hard life being me.

He comes up to me. He's also in uniform. It's so funny. Does he know what I know about us? Should I tell him? I wish I could take a picture for posterity, for proof but hey, guess what, people won't carry point-and-shoot digital cameras or phones with built in cameras until ten years from now.

"You look retarded," he says.

"I can't believe you're NOT retarded," I muse.

***

Every night I drink a digestive enzyme to keep my ulcers in check and fantasize about the shoes I can buy when I cash in all the vacation days I didn't get to use. It's hard to be number one. Everybody wants to be me. I want to be me. All I need to induce a panic attack (not to mention untimely split ends) is to look over the rival bay and see agents over there closing sales. Who do I have to fuck for all the sales calls to route to my agents? Surely there must be someone who'd appreciate some head. Maybe Gordon from IT but gosh he's so old.

- Stella Evangelista, Night Shift

Play

We're on stage and try as I might, I can't recall my lines. In fact, I don't remember rehearsing. I don't remember how I got my part. I don't remember how I got here on stage. I don't remember being an actor at all. I'm so disappointed in myself. How did I let something like this slip me by? How can I not have memorized a bunch of lines?

The extra beside me hands me a script. I'm so relieved but as I stare at it closely, I realize I can't read the words.

"I can't read it," I tell him.

He scoffs. He hates me, I can tell.

The lights go on, the curtain goes up and there's so much applause for me. Everyone's looking at me. The spotlight is on me.

There's so much panic deep down in my heart.

Grade 5

He's not as embarrassingly strange-looking as I remember. I reach for my phone already composing a message to send to my friends: "You will NEVER guess who I encountered today." But I remember that cell phones are forbidden in the room.

He's my teacher. I'm in Grade 5. The desk/chair feels really tiny but I feel good about being back in school. Maybe later I can clear up what level I really am supposed to be in. It's a full class. Everyone is in uniform. Everyone is busy scribbling. When he asks me why I am not busy I say, "I'm done." This startles everyone and they all look at me. I scan the room. All these girls are me. Me, me,me.

SEAL

Dedicated to all my teachers who made me suffer through SEAL. You scarred me for life.

Here I am again. Dressed in my PE uniform: white shirt, blue jogging pants, name tag, class number. Amazing Race got their concept from this traumatic excursion imposed on all seniors before we graduate. The most traumatic thing of all is the fact that we are NOT allowed to take a bath and there is BARELY a bathroom. This is more horrifying than starting a fire with two sticks, forgetting how to tie a double half stitch, formation marches, doing sit ups, having your tent collapse on you in the middle of the night.

Here I am again. But this time I know better. I break rank. (Screw my team leader!) I run to a building and find a bathroom but it's so dirty and smelly. I take the stairs and run to the bathroom on the next level. Still dirty. I try all the bathrooms as on each of the lower levels. When I can't go any lower and when I remember that I have a fear of basements, I see a bathroom that looks promising from afar. When I get inside I see horses being slaughtered.

Here I am again. I am being punished for missing in action. To make amends I have to do a hundred pumps. And as soon as I am done with my last pump, I get up and run to another building and get inside a bathroom and take my bath. I stand under the shower and start to cry with relief.

***

(When I got back from SEAL 1995, Mama came to school to pick me up. I walked right up to her. She stared at me for what seemed like forever before she gave a little start and finally recognized her daughter underneath the bruises, mire and tears.)

Time Cards

He thinks I should be made useful so he gives me a bunch of time cards completely assuming I know what to do with them. And I take them figuring I will learn on the job. Upon closer inspection, I see that the time cards of different companies have been mixed up. I see Paolo's time card. His girlfriend's time card. Sunshine's time card. (And she's all the way in the States!) It's chaos in my hands.

Ssshhh, I look up at my team who are on break and who are so noisy. I try to think what I should do with the most chaotic mix of time cards.

I am the New April

True, it may seem like a stretch
but it's thoughts like this that catch
my troubled head when you're away
and I'm missing you to death.
- Iron and Wine

My blockmates are quite hysterical about the fact that I have not attended a single meeting of Biology and have now exceeded my allowed number of absences. I try to explain that this class is totally unnecessary. Let's not panic, we've graduated, remember? No, no, they say. That ceremony was made void because I spent most of the time smoking the the bathroom with TL and other smokers who were in self-exile. This strikes a chord. Guilty as charged. Oh god. I am the new April.

So where were you, they ask. I was looking for someone. And as soon as I say that I realize I was looking for someone. Who? Who was it that I was looking for? I was missing him to death. My blockmates stare at me and wait for me to explain why I was gone, who I was looking for, what I plan to do about my excess absences. I suddenly feel so, so sleepy and so, so exhausted. I can't even bring myself to say his name.

Search Party

The closest Charlotte had ever come to getting screwed on a plane was the time she'd lost all her luggage on a flight to Palm Beach.
- Sex and the City

We're walking on the way to the airport. It is, after all, just round the block from the house. I've already lost all my luggage but this doesn't bother me. I try to think of what I packed but I don't remember. I don't even remember where I'm going. I just keep walking.

I see her run towards the stadium that also serves as a museum for all the atrocious things the Nazis did during the war. I try to follow her faster but my legs feel heavy from all the walking. When I finally get there I see that a search party has gotten there before me.

"Where is she?" I ask with mild panic.

"Camille, we're sorry to have to tell you this but..."

"No! You cannot give up! You will search every inch of this stadium until you find her! Until you find some clue!"

"Camille, you have to calm down!" But it's too late because I'm throwing things, breaking the glass, pounding walls."

"No, no, no, no! She's my daughter! You have to find my daughter!"

Mr Moron, Mr President, Mr Big

We didn't work out. He needs to NOT exist.
- Miranda, Sex and the City

Stairs, white building, huge crowd. Camille stands around waiting like everyone else. Then she sees Mr Moron (called so because he IS a moron). She dodges his line of sight. Tries to make herself disappear but when it becomes apparent that he sees her and her actions are making her look like a moron, she remembers her old school training and collects her best manners.

Camille: Hello, hello, hello! (Overdoes it.)
Mr Moron: (Speaks really slow and stares about like a moron.) Hi. I just got back.
Camille: Oh! Wow! Wonderful!
Mr Moron: Do you want to come over for old times' sake?
Camille: (Laughs hysterically. A sincere laugh. Thinks it is all a joke. Mr Moron is quiet.) Oh god. You're serious. God! Yuck! Bleh! My boyfriend will kill you for saying that.
Mr Moron: I thought you were married.
Camille: You're the one who's married! You married Ms Bangs and got her pregnant one baby after another. Left, right, left. Bing, bang, boom! You stupid, stupid moron!)

***

We're alone even when we're with men.
- Samantha, Sex and the City

I call him that because he's my most pessimistic student and the self-appointed President of the Bitter Club. Exclusive Membership. I am Muse and the only other club's member. You can only join if you believe you are truly alone and so far we've maintained our exclusivity. It just is so disorienting to see him so old. I remember him as really youthful. The first flush of youth, if you will. Tying his tie. Adjusting his cuffs, making sure the proper length shows outside his coat. Making a pen appear from his coat pocket. Youthful arrogance. Being obnoxious. Man-in-Training. It can't be that I was deceived. He was my student and he looked very, very young.

But I look around and see that all my students are old. What happened? Could it be that I'm old too? If they're old, I must be very old. I run to the mirror to check but I am still me. I haven't gotten old at all.

***
I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it.
- Carrie, Sex and the City

You're coming down the stairs, hurrying, hanging on to your books. Your hair is flying. Your white dress is billowing behind you. And then he bumps into you as he's coming from the turn in the landing. Your books fly, your skirt flies up so you drop your purse to push your skirt down. You bend, he bends, you collect books. One after another, like a sacred ritual, you pick up the books, comment on them before finally exchanging. When all the books are off the floor, both of you stand. The spell has been broken and now you're a little embarrassed. So you grin a little and keep going down the stairs. Hurrying, hanging on to your books a little bit more tightly this time.

First Day

The smell of newness is something I love about the first day of school but I pretty much hate everything else. There's so much traffic. There are so many freshmen. There's so much noise.

I make my way to my first class. I have become an expert of wasting time on the first day of school. I have to go through my rules and explain each one. I have to get to know them while drinking cup after cup of coffee to stimulate my exhausted brain cells that have to remember 200 names at the end of the day.

Strangely though, this first day is different. I've barely gotten through explaining my A/F grading system when the bell rings and I have to get through my next class and it happens there again. And I feel I have merely seconds each class.

I wonder who I should talk to this about. The Registrar? How to explain it? "Dear Ma'am, I have reason to believe that I am being robbed of my class time."

A plane is parked in the hallway. "Come, Camille, this way." And in my confusion I just stand there and the plane door closes and it slowly glides away to take off.

Someone says, "That was the only way out of this school!"

Realizing my entrapment, I run after the plane. My papers fall to the floor. My hair comes undone. The door opens. Hysterical, confused and dirty, I jump in.

Shoes, Books, Dolls

There's so much activity outside the house. It's being prepped for some party. It all seems so... Town and Country. I'm engulfed with a sense of guilt that I wasn't around to help with all the fixing, polishing and repairing. There are pathways where there were once brambles. Everything is shiny and new. The garage has been transformed into some lobby with a lot of leather seats. When I get to my room, I see they've changed it but only a little. Over one wall they put a mirror and some kind of slated window over it.

I stay in my room touching everything in disbelief. I re-arrange my shoes according to color and function. I fix my books according to continent. I plop down on my single bed which was Daddy's single bed. I do everything to mark my territory because somewhere in the back of my mind is a nagging thought that I moved out of this house a long time ago, that I live somewhere else now -- somewhere else where a dog is waiting for me, that I'm merely trespassing on property that belongs to someone else, that all this: this room, these shoes, these books and dolls and yes, this bed I am stubbornly lying on is just a dream.

I Ask

She's three miles of bad road.
- REM

They've grouped us according to some kind of logic that I still can't get. I'm grouped with Sharon. We're so busy running around in circles that when I finally get the time to talk to her I come off as rude, "So you're part of this distro list.... Why?"

She tells the Person-In-Charge about my manners and I'm kicked out. I hear them behind me, "I told you... She shouldn't have been asked... She's three miles of bad road."

"Why just three?" I ask.

Summer

I can never resist the urge to walk around St Pain's grounds. Sometimes I fly but today the ceilings keep extending to block my flight. And after many attempts and many bruises, I give up completely and resign myself to walking around like everyone else.

One some occasions, the landscape of the school changes and staircases appear where there was a wall. Or walls appear where there were rooms. This scares me.

I get a call from Moe.

Moe: You're still there?

Me: I'm going home. See you later!

Moe: You can't. Tina, remember? She has papers you have to sign.

Me: (Grumble, grumble.) Can't it wait until tomorrow? I have to leave. There's this staircase that wasn't there yesterday and I tried to fly but the ceilings ---

Moe: No! They're MY papers and I entrusted them to HER and all you have to do is sign. Why do you have to be such a brat about this after she all she's done to help! Kawawa naman sya. Do you not know how important she is to me? How important those papers are?

Me: Well! If they're so important why didn't she just come up to me earlier? I was here the whole time --

And the line gets cut and I have no choice but to find this girl. But it's late and darkness has cloaked the building in an eerie shade of gray. And there have been more interior changes than a few minutes ago. I'm only now beginning to wonder: What papers? Why are they with Tina? What am I doing in St Pain when it's summer?