Help Me

I only realize I'm lost when I reach the top of the stairs. It's a hallway and all the doors are closed. When I turn around to retrace my steps I see not one but two set of stairs. I start to panic. I try the first stairwell but it doesn't seem familiar. I try the next one and it's not familiar either.

I feel dread. It paralyzes me and I can't move my legs. And I realize that these stairwells aren't ventilated. "Help me, help me, help me," I say silently to myself. I can't even move my mouth to scream.

In the Car

I feel so inconvenienced when they break it to me that VL and OV are my long lost brothers and now the three of us have to share a house.

But it doesn't take me long to realize that I can use this weird situation to my advantage. Like now, I glance at the driveway and see that the only car available is NOT an automatic so what do I do? I simply storm into their room, plop myself on their bed and decide that between the two of them VL is more tolerable and so it's him I shake to awake. "I need a ride."

And it's funny how he rouses himself up to get dressed. But wait, he's getting too dressed up. And this is when he tells me, "So I'm coming with you right? I'll tag along at the party." Gross.

It's so vile but it's so beneath me to argue so I roll my eyes, storm out of the room and just as I slam the door I shout, "I'll be in the car!"

Your Name

I don't know if I could fly a plane
Well enough to tailspin out your name
Or high enough to lose control completely
Honey, I'm thinking maybe
- Liz Phair, "Shatter"

Chaos is a house party. The party lasts all night and the number of guests just keep increasing exponentially. Mama has been giving me dagger looks the whole night but all the guests keep her busy, make her hold her temper.

Finally, the crack of dawn and the guests disappear.

You, TL and I grab our things and make our way out the door.

TL asks, "Camille, are we talking the car?"

I say, "No. We're just one jeep away. We'll take the jeep."

And then Mama finally asks me, "Who is that you are with?" And I'm surprised that she doesn't sound angry.

"We're off to work!" I say, pretending not to hear her. And I think, where is it that I work again? I can't remember...

She insists, "Who is that?"

"This..." I say, "This is..." And I look at you for help and you give me a wink and I'm so inlove and I suddenly have the courage to tell Mama your name.

Shelf, Space, Sail

It's so lovely to enter this room. I haven't been in here for so long. First it was Lola Candeng's room. Then Auntie Nieves'. Now it's mine. Slowly, and one book at a time, I start to empty the bookshelf. It takes me so long because I read the backcovers and glance at the inside pages. One book at a time. Never finding the book I was tasked to look for -- but somehow I feel that it's okay.

***

The inhabitants of this place act like regular people. They almost look like regular people except that they have teddy bear faces. They're so kind but I feel so confused by their appearance. I want to hug them and place them beside me on my bed except that they're people too. It's weird! I take more time to talk to them, get to know them, prepare myself to negotiate this space.

***

To be solar powered means to be able to fly like Superman. I was recently granted the powers of strength and flight and now this pressure to save the world hangs heavy on me. But I ignore the responsibility. Wearing a tutu, I do flips in the air, stretch my limbs, feel the surge of solar strength. My long, long hair trails behind me like a sail.

Code

It's only a matter of seconds before I figure out the code. It's nothing but a sequence of numbers but it's very sinister. I have a feeling they mean business.

Before they strike, I jump off the bed, bend over and scoop Forest out of his bed, and run.

Mesmerizing

Wild and unwise
I wanna be mesmerizing too
- Liz Phair

The bell rings and I walk to the Speech Room. Nothing I have is for my Speech classes. I check my blue feather and sure enough it's my college schedule that's written and I look around starting to panic and I realize that I don't know anyone anymore and it dawns on me that Sunshine is in America and I'm in the wrong year or something.

And in the wrong clothes. I don't remember putting these on. They're ugly. Ugly, ugly, ugly. And people start to stare as I strip off these ugly clothes until I'm down to my underwear but I don't care. I run down the steps and it surprises me that I'm not ashamed -- it's mesmerizing I feel.

Rene Villanueva's Class

We lay on the bed there.
Kissing just for practice.
- Belle and Sebastian, "Seeing Other People"

Part One

After Rene Villanueva's class, I'm so elated that I fly around the field. I experiment with means of take-off. Running, skipping, piroueting... My favorite is me taking a few steps back, tipping back until I think I am going to fall but the air catches me and I am in flight.

I do this for too long and even when I hear the bell ring I carry on flying. It's too good I can't stop!

I'm late for class and they ask me to fill out an excuse slip. Under "Reason for tardiness" I write "Flying."

Part Two

Time has come for us to act out the plays written in Rene Villanueva's class. J and I are cast in the lead roles.

The play's climax goes something like:

Boy: This is what I have to tell you.
Girl: (Looks tense. Hand goes to table behind her for support.) I thought it was good news? It doesn't look like good news.
Boy: (Pauses. Clears throat.) It was me.

But during practice it comes out like this:

Boy: This is what I have to tell you.
Girl: (Looks tense. Hand goes to table behind her for support.) I thought it was good news? It doesn't look like good news.
Boy: (Takes two giant steps toward Girl and kisses her on the mouth. It's a long, long kiss.) It was me.

Reading Braille

Sockie, Cheng and I arrive at the old house. We explore it and get to know it again. Places of it are dark and derelict but we don't mind. I touch the walls, the bannisters, the doors like a blind person reading braille.

Upstairs is the gallery. I look at the pictures. Sockie, Cheng and I. No one else. It means it's our house now.

At the Moment

I'm sorry I haven't been in touch. It's so nice of you to meet me. So. Well. Here we are. Is he looking? Sphinx?

Yes.

Never mind.

Is it true what I heard?

Yes, of course it is which is partly why I needed to talk to you. Remember the elevators?

Yes.

There. That's all I can say at the moment but do you understand?

Yes.

All Her Moves

Beauty is where you find it. - Madonna

David Bowie picks me up at hotel room. "Why are you carrying all those bags?" he asks.

I try to explain, "This one has my cell. This one has my lip gloss. This one has my wallet -- "

And it's the idea of needing to carry around money that he finds funny. I feel slightly ashamed that I have revealed my non-celebrity status by needing cash but he acts so nice about it albeit he can't help from laughing when he says, "Leave your stuff sweetheart and take my arm."

So that is how you see us, Me and David Bowie walking across the hotel lobby. And you stop dead in your tracks and I blow you a kiss.

It changes one, you know, to be treated like a celebrity. I've done more significant things in my life but I've never felt this important. Or so loved.

Anyways.

People from our entourage open the doors of a theater and guide us to VIP seats and then, she comes on stage, because our people have cued her people that we have arrived. She comes on stage and starts singing and dancing, Madonna my idol is singing and dancing for me and David Bowie. I squeal from delight and sing and dance along. I know every word and know all her moves.

David Bowie just watches me and smiles.

Kilig Junkie

He pretends it is accidental -- the way his arm keeps touching mine. We're part of a group and we're working on a project and don't ask me what project it is because I haven't been paying attention what with all this clandestine touching of skin.

It's electric, it is. I am high for this kind of thing. I will feel jubilant for days. I am a kilig junkie.

Suddenly, amidst the chaos, his puts his hand on top of mine. No one notices. I tilt my head to meet his eyes and smile.

Barefoot

You don't know the power that you have with that tear in your hand.

Your car is the first thing I see. It's not likely that we will meet here but still my heart races. I wander around wanting to see you but not wanting to see you too. Do you understand?

While wandering I see: a group of yuppies still in their suits toasting the fine weather (indeed it is fine), a playground, a pond, swimming pools, bath tubs, a beach -- all kinds of water and water containers and the black of the blackest ocean.

I take my sandals off and carry them in my hand. All the world is all I am. Do you understand?

This is how I am when I see you: Barefoot, flushed from the exercise, my hair sticking to my face, my shirt wet.

You are sitting in a gazebo that overlooks a lake. You are with two girls. (I think they're pieces of me you've never seen.) I approach. (I've forgotten to put my sandals on and they are still swinging from my left hand.)

You rise and stare in disbelief. Well, part of me doesn't want to see you, right? And that part of me wants to turn around and run. But you smile at the same time a tear falls from the corner of your eye and you come towards me and we hug and I let my sandals drop on the ground.

All the world just stopped now.

***
Tori Amos' words from "Tear in Your Hand" in Italics.

Closer, Closer

I follow him to a party. It's dark. We're in a house that sits on top of the hill. The floors are slippery, red. People I don't know talk to me. I try to keep an eye on him but it's dark, black. I lose him.

All around are candles and the smell of wax.

When I see him it is exactly like I feared. Him and her locked in a kiss. How could he, how could he do this to ME.

The sense they are being watched so they look at me. I'm so startled that I start to run. He comes after me so I run faster. I make my way out the house that sits on top of the hill. Do you know the walls could be peeled off? Like paint? That's how easy they came off for me. I kick of my shoes and run down the hill, the music from the party getting softer and softer. I run down the streets, the asphalt bruising my soles. I see lights from cars, a road, more lights.

I wave both my hands at passing cars trying to hitch a ride. No one will stop. I start crying. From behind me I hear him coming closer, closer.

Grounds

You've never felt so stressed in your life. The school bus has left you. Your cell phone went dead. The hallways are haunted. The lessons are difficult. The girls are unfriendly. Your best friend is dead.

Your best friend is dead.

She's the one torturing you, driving you mad, making strange these once familiar grounds of school.

Blue Blue

I think I'm in love but it makes me kinda nervous to say so.
- Beck

You know you should be afraid but it's nice that you feel. You let him pull you by the wrists. No, no, you say but you don't mean it and you giggle when he pulls harder. You're near enough for a kiss and you close your eyes to receive it.

Yes, your eyes are closed but still you see it.

You see him, you, the kiss, the blue blue sky get bigger and bigger to swallow you up.

Petiks and Bisi-bisihan at The Colony

You're surprised at how good it feels to be back. Outside the glass walls you can see that it's night. Inside there's a particular energy level that will reach its peak at around 2 am. You can't hear people approach you -- the carpet silences footsteps -- but you can see all around you because of the glass. There is a distinct hum of voices and keys. A vibration, if you like - a vibe, a hum punctuated by steady clicking and tapping of all those keys.

You are back but don't know what to do so you linger and move papers around. Petiks. You don't want to appear lazy or useless at your first night back at The Colony.

You don't recognize anyone but that's okay. It's early yet. Your team comes in later. And when you see Camille-wannabes wearing clothes that remind you of your own, you kind of laugh and change attire. You are able to change just like that. You change into short shorts (why not?) layers of tops and a coat. Let's see them copy this.

You see Ari and you remember why you liked him. He was so smart and talked to you about economics and gold and investments. "I liked a girl in college who looked exactly like you," he said. "Are you sure that wasn't me?" you said back. Now you ask him, "Ari, could you walk with me to the other side? I don't want to walk alone. This person I am avoiding will be easier to avoid if it appears we are talking about something important. You know, bisi-bisihan." He laughs. Ari, the economist.

When your team comes in you realize you don't recognize them and when they ask you for help you realize you don't know what to do. You don't know your passwords, you don't know The Systems, you don't know anything.

But it's okay. It's okay because... because... you've gotten through this before. You're happy. You have a feeling it will work. Yes.

Doors

There are things known and there are things unknown and in between are the doors.
- Jim Morrison

Chapter 1

We get along so well, she and I. I don't realize even realize that she's killing me until she pushes me down the floor of the car, and puts a pillow on top of my face until I suffocate. Her smile, so much like mine, is the last thing I see.

Chapter 2

A group of us are at a dock, waiting for someone to tell us what to do. I note sadly that we're all dead. I see June Pangan and we exchange stories on how we died. Here, in this place, the question "How did you die?" is a perfect conversation starter.

There must be a way out, since there's a way in. That's only logical, right? I concentrate all my efforts on thinking of that way out. They say there are doors and more doors that I must go through.

I can simply retrace my steps, right? Try to remember how I got here? But I can't remember. Her smile, so much like mine, is the only thing I remember.
Chapter 3

Twilight. Still bright enough to see my way but dark enough to be concealed. I fly over fences, over houses. I am escaping, going back. The mountains are beautiful. The ravines are scary. Everything is so quiet. Until a pack of wild dogs sniff at the air, see me flying above them, and start to bark.

Shit.

Chapter 4

I keep flying. This time I'm flying over a castle. The doors conceal the parties inside but I hear the laughter and the rattling of china and silver.

Inside this castle is my house. Where the library is and all of the old rooms. I open all the doors and check all the rooms. I decide to stay for a while. I can fix this place up, make it feel like home again.

I see a picture of a girl. Her smile, so much like mine, moves to form a grimace.

I scream.

Mudberg

All this water feels claustrophobic. Days and days on this ship and I would give anything for some land.

Is this what drove Rose insane for Jack? Stuck in a cruise ship with all that luzury and nothing to do. Oh, Jack, let's hide in the ship's luggage area and let's fuck like crazy, I'm so bored, and perhaps I can wear nothing but jewelry as you sketch my likeness that will make you want to fuck me more.

Land, someone shouts, land. Oh, thank god and I look around to see if I can see it but I can't then people start screaming, and I believe it's because they're so happy like I am but no, they're frightened and when I look at where they're screaming at, I see a mountain. Land, indeed, coming towards us, or rather, or more accurately, we are coming towards the iceberg of mud -- a mudberg.

So, like, being a smart girl, I run towards the life jackets and it's quite difficult to run with all this water first around my ankles then my calves then my waist.

I am going under and I hope my family will still be able to identify my drowned, wet, dead body.

Puddles, Rock, Alkaline

Restless for the likes of reckless me.
- Joni Mitchell, "Don Juan's Reckless Daughter"

Daddy is arranging to get our visas approved. I hover. Go away, he says but not angrily, go away, I can handle this. Daddy, let me help. No, no, it's quite alright. He smiles at the official, my daughter here, quite the girl to put her finger in everything. He apologizes for me, what for, it's not clear. Why is he mad at me for wanting to fix it myself? When finally it's done, approved, a-ok, we walk. Daddy, Mama and Me walk to the car. It's just rained. The ground is wet. Puddles. Are you alright, Daddy asks. Yes, see, I'm wearing my Doc Martens. I can walk on anything -- puddles, rock, alkaline. Anything at all! I deliberately step on all the puddles. My jeans are six inches in mud but I'm so happy.

G

I should have known, should have known, should have known again.
But here it goes again. Oh here it goes again.
- OK GO

I'm back.

It's Normie who calls the shots. She's the shortest girl in class but she is the class president. She stands on the platform, assigning tasks, making announcements, telling everyone to keep quiet which is really the class president's main job.

She calls me Cookie. Of course there's that nastinest left over from all those years of fighting but being Seniors makes everybody feel sisterly and forgiving which is why, perhaps, she calls me Cookie. Henceforth I will allow it.

I look down at my left jumper strap. There it is -- the G. So, it's true, I'm back.

I almost drown in a wave of panic. Who knows how much time I have left to correct all the things that need to be corrected.

Step one. Ignore Anna. Less than 10 years from now she will proposition you and you'll laugh. Step two. Let Annie be. She's going to UST soon -- the school which made even Jose Rizal unhappy and in that school she will betray you. Step three. Ah, Ella. Warn her about your favorite ex who won't like her as much as she likes him. Step four -- oh forget it. This should be step one -- find Naj. Tell her! Tell her everything!

Now how can I slip past Normie?

It's no fun to go back. This responsibility, heavy like lead, heaviest around my heart.