Things are getting desperate when the all the boys can't be men.
He finds me at my old desk and asks me to help him look for Nyanne.
We search the grounds until we find her and she tries to explain to me that it's late, that the school bus is going to leave without us, but before she gets any further, he goes up to her and yanks her panties down. Pink panties with yellow flowers.
I wonder what color mine are but as I am about to look under my skirt he takes my hand and we run away.
"Can you fly?" he asks me.
"Yes, of course," I say.
So we take off and fly over the roofs and we can hear people below us looking for us but since no one bothers to look up, no one finds us.
We land on a field of barley and daisies and he asks me, "Can I give you pleasure?"
"But you're just a boy!, " I say.
"How?" he insists. "I'd like to make you come."
"Well. Like this," I say, pulling my panties down.
He stares.
"See this?" I point. "Eat it. Go ahead, eat it like it's the most delicious candy you've ever tasted or better yet eat it like it's the first time you've ever eaten candy.
He lunges at me and I topple down.
"Stop. Go back. Crawl to me and beg."
So he crawls and begs me, "Let me eat you, let me eat you, please." And I'm so turned on and he reaches me and then tastes me and eats me until I come.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Monday, April 24, 2006
Concubine, Concubine
As the King's favorite concubine, I know certain things. I know that outside these walls, all Chinese children are being slaughtered like pigs. He tells it to me in detail so that I am able to see what goes on. The children first then the adults.
The Chinese community is thrown in confusion. All their dead children line the pavements. They are not buried; their stink allowed to weigh heavy around them like a shroud.
"Why kidnap them when I can kill them?"
"Do they smell like dimsum -- the Chinese, I mean -- when they're left to rot?"
"Like rotten dimsum." The King can't make up his mind who's funnier -- him or me.
Elephants stomp around the disheveled city just because the King thinks it would be a hilarious picture and I have to admit it kinda is.
The King and I huddle together in a naughty air of conspiracy. It's all a childish prank to him. With his one hand in between my legs and his other hand cupping his mouth to my ear, he tells me his other gruesome pranks. He set China town on fire because "it's so ugly and smelly." It was funny, he adds, to watch the little Chinese "peasants" run around speaking Chinese that "sounded ugly."
Something occurs to me. "Do you rape the women?"
"What for? Anyone I fuck will just like it."
His hand between my legs. I can't think. I can't follow his logic. I can't argue.
"Castro is coming to wage war on me. He loves the Chinese."
"Noli de Castro?"
"Fidel Castro. Hello! Let him come. Let him make his way to me."
Dead Chinese bodies will line the runway he lands on. Dead Chinese bodies will be the dimsum he eats. Dead Chinese bodies will make the incense to scent the air he breathes. Dead Chinese bodies will be the very streets he walks on.
"You're crazy," I tell him, "What makes you think he simply won't send a nuclear missile from Cuba?"
He laughs.
He lays me on the bed and starts fucking me.
"Concubine, concubine. My favorite, favorite concubine."
The Chinese community is thrown in confusion. All their dead children line the pavements. They are not buried; their stink allowed to weigh heavy around them like a shroud.
"Why kidnap them when I can kill them?"
"Do they smell like dimsum -- the Chinese, I mean -- when they're left to rot?"
"Like rotten dimsum." The King can't make up his mind who's funnier -- him or me.
Elephants stomp around the disheveled city just because the King thinks it would be a hilarious picture and I have to admit it kinda is.
The King and I huddle together in a naughty air of conspiracy. It's all a childish prank to him. With his one hand in between my legs and his other hand cupping his mouth to my ear, he tells me his other gruesome pranks. He set China town on fire because "it's so ugly and smelly." It was funny, he adds, to watch the little Chinese "peasants" run around speaking Chinese that "sounded ugly."
Something occurs to me. "Do you rape the women?"
"What for? Anyone I fuck will just like it."
His hand between my legs. I can't think. I can't follow his logic. I can't argue.
"Castro is coming to wage war on me. He loves the Chinese."
"Noli de Castro?"
"Fidel Castro. Hello! Let him come. Let him make his way to me."
Dead Chinese bodies will line the runway he lands on. Dead Chinese bodies will be the dimsum he eats. Dead Chinese bodies will make the incense to scent the air he breathes. Dead Chinese bodies will be the very streets he walks on.
"You're crazy," I tell him, "What makes you think he simply won't send a nuclear missile from Cuba?"
He laughs.
He lays me on the bed and starts fucking me.
"Concubine, concubine. My favorite, favorite concubine."
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Gold Slippers
When TL and Bunny finally arrive, TL presents me with a no-reason present. Gold slippers! They fit exactly.
"Sabi sayo kasya!" Bunny says to TL.
"We were worried about the size," TL says.
"You know, I don't understand it myself but it appears my feet are growing! Weird! But these fit exactly. I love them! Thanks!"
"Sabi sayo kasya!" Bunny says to TL.
"We were worried about the size," TL says.
"You know, I don't understand it myself but it appears my feet are growing! Weird! But these fit exactly. I love them! Thanks!"
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
The Good Pass
It's a coed retreat so it can't be St Scho but it sure looks like the St Scho retreat house in Tagaytay and there are 30 of us to a room -- boys and girls! We even have unisex bathrooms!
Everyday, a trainer teaches me how to play soccer. None of us have any of our old clothes so we're outfitted with all the clothes we'll ever need. I have all these cool Adidas sportswear in my closet. I get to wear a new combination everyday.
Our days are busy and the house gets pretty chaotic but even so our society, because that's what we've become, is peaceful like we know Big Brother is Watching.
Moe sleeps across from me. We don't talk. We don't even look at each other directly but I look when I think he doesn't notice and he looks when he thinks I don't notice. We've memorized each other's movements so we don't have to cross each other on the aisles between the beds or have to be in the unisex bathroom at the same time or have to eat together. Sometimes, it can't be helped that we're being trained together but even on the field we don't say a word to each other. No one can tell we were friends or that we even met before.
Moe and I are ever so civil like strangers are to one another. One day, playing on the field, the day he wore his blue jacket and me my white, I almost called out to him, "Here, here! Pass to me!" But I stopped myself but I think he understood anyway because he kicked the ball to me and I was so embarrassed that I botched the good pass.
That night, we followed our unspoken routine. We never crossed each other on the aisle, we never used the unisex at the same time. Right across from me, can you imagine? And not a word. I said to myself, "Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will set this right."
The next day he was gone. His bed was made. On my bed, beside my pillow was a package he left. Bric-a-brac, pictures of us, (returned) letters from me to him, letters he wrote to me.
I open one and start to read. "Dear Camille." I cry so much that I can't read anymore.
Then I hear the bell that means it's time to train so I leave the package there on my bed and soon forget about it. I even manage to convince myself that I was just dreaming. There was no Moe and no package. It was just a dream.
Everyday, a trainer teaches me how to play soccer. None of us have any of our old clothes so we're outfitted with all the clothes we'll ever need. I have all these cool Adidas sportswear in my closet. I get to wear a new combination everyday.
Our days are busy and the house gets pretty chaotic but even so our society, because that's what we've become, is peaceful like we know Big Brother is Watching.
Moe sleeps across from me. We don't talk. We don't even look at each other directly but I look when I think he doesn't notice and he looks when he thinks I don't notice. We've memorized each other's movements so we don't have to cross each other on the aisles between the beds or have to be in the unisex bathroom at the same time or have to eat together. Sometimes, it can't be helped that we're being trained together but even on the field we don't say a word to each other. No one can tell we were friends or that we even met before.
Moe and I are ever so civil like strangers are to one another. One day, playing on the field, the day he wore his blue jacket and me my white, I almost called out to him, "Here, here! Pass to me!" But I stopped myself but I think he understood anyway because he kicked the ball to me and I was so embarrassed that I botched the good pass.
That night, we followed our unspoken routine. We never crossed each other on the aisle, we never used the unisex at the same time. Right across from me, can you imagine? And not a word. I said to myself, "Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will set this right."
The next day he was gone. His bed was made. On my bed, beside my pillow was a package he left. Bric-a-brac, pictures of us, (returned) letters from me to him, letters he wrote to me.
I open one and start to read. "Dear Camille." I cry so much that I can't read anymore.
Then I hear the bell that means it's time to train so I leave the package there on my bed and soon forget about it. I even manage to convince myself that I was just dreaming. There was no Moe and no package. It was just a dream.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Masquerade
I've stumbled upon a masquerade. I'm not masked but when I look at what I'm wearing I'm surprised to see I'm wearing an odd green and white button-down ruffled combo. Ruffles, geez.
The strip of bars looks unfamiliar but I feel right at home and go from bar to bar, sipping my tea which everyone thinks is beer.
Since everyone is in a mask they think I'm in a mask as well. They think I'm someone else pretending to be Camille.
I remember looking at the nights at Ortigas. Empty streets. Traffic lights changing for nobody. A scene from a David Lynch movie.
This night redeems all those empty nights. There are tiangge strips, bars, clubs and concerts, amusment parks, wild rides, car races.
I stop at one stall to buy fish balls.
The strip of bars looks unfamiliar but I feel right at home and go from bar to bar, sipping my tea which everyone thinks is beer.
Since everyone is in a mask they think I'm in a mask as well. They think I'm someone else pretending to be Camille.
I remember looking at the nights at Ortigas. Empty streets. Traffic lights changing for nobody. A scene from a David Lynch movie.
This night redeems all those empty nights. There are tiangge strips, bars, clubs and concerts, amusment parks, wild rides, car races.
I stop at one stall to buy fish balls.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Nyanne's UST Friends
"Nyanne and Camille lived in their gingerbread house."
- Pax '95 (High School Year Book)
I'm driving Nyanne to a party. She won't say where and she won't say whose except to say, "Some friends from UST."
Since I don't know where we're going exactly, she gives me last minute instructions, "Turn right, right, right! Oh fuck, we missed it. Make a u-turn there, there, here!"
Soon, we find ourselves in Commonwealth (the end of the world) where the only familiar place to me is UP but we go past UP and I begin to suspect where we're going and start a harangue.
"No, Annie, no! I'm not driving you anywhere anymore! I know where we're going you can't trick me into going!"
But she finds the whole thing hilarious and I begin to feel the downside of having good manners because as much as I want to tell her to get out of the car, I just can't.
And my suspicions turn out to be correct because it's Moe's party and as I consider where and how to park, I also consider what to do about the situation. I decide, as we're walking to the party, to tell Nyanne some of the truth.
"See here, Annie, maselan na sitwasyon to."
"Maselan? How?"
"In a lot of ways I can't explain right now! Besides, I'm not even invited!"
But I've been spotted. Moe hands me a beer and tells me to sit anywhere but I'm too dumbfounded by everything that I just stand there with my beer.
Nyanne, meanwhile, goes across the street to a boy's dorm and starts flirting with everyone and I hear her laugh her really loud and hearty laugh, the only one that could match mine in high school, and I'm so envious because she's enjoying the night and I'm not.
I go around Moe's party and I find no one to laugh with, until Moe who is the host after all, takes pity on me and talks to me but it's so noisy that I can't hear what he's saying. I watch his mouth move, I watch his movements but I can't understand a thing he wants to tell me.
"Slow down! What? What are you saying?"
He begins again but I still don't understand anything.
So I give up. I walk back to the car and leave Nyanne in the boy's dorm.
The car makes a toot toot toot noise as I back up and check all my mirrors to see why. Why? I'm not going to hit anything! But it continues even more loudly toot toot toot and there really must have been something back there because I crash quite loudly. My head hits the steering wheel and I get knocked unconscious.
- Pax '95 (High School Year Book)
I'm driving Nyanne to a party. She won't say where and she won't say whose except to say, "Some friends from UST."
Since I don't know where we're going exactly, she gives me last minute instructions, "Turn right, right, right! Oh fuck, we missed it. Make a u-turn there, there, here!"
Soon, we find ourselves in Commonwealth (the end of the world) where the only familiar place to me is UP but we go past UP and I begin to suspect where we're going and start a harangue.
"No, Annie, no! I'm not driving you anywhere anymore! I know where we're going you can't trick me into going!"
But she finds the whole thing hilarious and I begin to feel the downside of having good manners because as much as I want to tell her to get out of the car, I just can't.
And my suspicions turn out to be correct because it's Moe's party and as I consider where and how to park, I also consider what to do about the situation. I decide, as we're walking to the party, to tell Nyanne some of the truth.
"See here, Annie, maselan na sitwasyon to."
"Maselan? How?"
"In a lot of ways I can't explain right now! Besides, I'm not even invited!"
But I've been spotted. Moe hands me a beer and tells me to sit anywhere but I'm too dumbfounded by everything that I just stand there with my beer.
Nyanne, meanwhile, goes across the street to a boy's dorm and starts flirting with everyone and I hear her laugh her really loud and hearty laugh, the only one that could match mine in high school, and I'm so envious because she's enjoying the night and I'm not.
I go around Moe's party and I find no one to laugh with, until Moe who is the host after all, takes pity on me and talks to me but it's so noisy that I can't hear what he's saying. I watch his mouth move, I watch his movements but I can't understand a thing he wants to tell me.
"Slow down! What? What are you saying?"
He begins again but I still don't understand anything.
So I give up. I walk back to the car and leave Nyanne in the boy's dorm.
The car makes a toot toot toot noise as I back up and check all my mirrors to see why. Why? I'm not going to hit anything! But it continues even more loudly toot toot toot and there really must have been something back there because I crash quite loudly. My head hits the steering wheel and I get knocked unconscious.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Dear Prudence
Training and Quality Office, 37th floor. Dim lights.
What's going on?
"Mermaid, I thought you resigned!"
"I did. I'm back. Pretty cool, huh?"
"But I thought I resigned as well! For good! Forever!"
"You must've been dreaming!"
It's too good to be true. Jill, Lovey, Jojo, Doods, Ariel, Me. Just us in our favorite room. We're all pooped from training and all talking quietly and laughing quietly and just taking advantage of each other's company before our Quality cousins come in and just burst with shrill chatter after the whole shift of just listening to all those boring calls.
I want to tell Jill, Lovey, Jojo, Doods and Ariel, "I really, really love you, you know?"
What's gonna happen if they find out I really resigned? Will I be escorted out of the building like the people who stole from company money?
All my passwords still work. My work station hasn't been touched. My headset is right here. I've never worn my ID but look, I'm wearing it now! Outside is... darkness. It's... night! I guess it's true. I'm back.
I should just keep printing these manuals before my passwords expire or before someone detects my presence and I'm called an impostor but, oh no, shit!
"Shit!"
"What?"
"The printer's not printing!"
"You'll have to print outside."
"Noooo!"
"It's simple! You can select the printer you want to print with, you know?"
"I know that! I'm not completely inane! I just don't want to step out to the colony! Please just let me stay in here! I don't want to leave! You might not be here when I get back! Please! I'm afraid! Things just change a lot around here and I don't want to lose you. And in my dreams I'm not going to be with you for long! Please!"
"Camille, we swear, we're not leaving this room."
So I go. Click, click, click, my shoes would say except that the floors are carpeted. So with my chin up I glide.
The colony is bigger than I remember. It stretches on and on. I hear the familiar drone of voices. I feel sick. But I carry on walking until I reach the printer and wait for my stuff to come out. Pages and pages of the training manual.
I'm so afraid. I wish it would finish printing already. All these people I love. Will I lose them? What will happen when I leave this place? Will we find a way to keep in touch and be friends? I'm scared!
To keep myself brave, I sing, "Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play? Dear Prudence, such a lovely day. The sun is up, the sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you."
Eventually, a heavy drowsiness overtakes me and I fall asleep.
What's going on?
"Mermaid, I thought you resigned!"
"I did. I'm back. Pretty cool, huh?"
"But I thought I resigned as well! For good! Forever!"
"You must've been dreaming!"
It's too good to be true. Jill, Lovey, Jojo, Doods, Ariel, Me. Just us in our favorite room. We're all pooped from training and all talking quietly and laughing quietly and just taking advantage of each other's company before our Quality cousins come in and just burst with shrill chatter after the whole shift of just listening to all those boring calls.
I want to tell Jill, Lovey, Jojo, Doods and Ariel, "I really, really love you, you know?"
What's gonna happen if they find out I really resigned? Will I be escorted out of the building like the people who stole from company money?
All my passwords still work. My work station hasn't been touched. My headset is right here. I've never worn my ID but look, I'm wearing it now! Outside is... darkness. It's... night! I guess it's true. I'm back.
I should just keep printing these manuals before my passwords expire or before someone detects my presence and I'm called an impostor but, oh no, shit!
"Shit!"
"What?"
"The printer's not printing!"
"You'll have to print outside."
"Noooo!"
"It's simple! You can select the printer you want to print with, you know?"
"I know that! I'm not completely inane! I just don't want to step out to the colony! Please just let me stay in here! I don't want to leave! You might not be here when I get back! Please! I'm afraid! Things just change a lot around here and I don't want to lose you. And in my dreams I'm not going to be with you for long! Please!"
"Camille, we swear, we're not leaving this room."
So I go. Click, click, click, my shoes would say except that the floors are carpeted. So with my chin up I glide.
The colony is bigger than I remember. It stretches on and on. I hear the familiar drone of voices. I feel sick. But I carry on walking until I reach the printer and wait for my stuff to come out. Pages and pages of the training manual.
I'm so afraid. I wish it would finish printing already. All these people I love. Will I lose them? What will happen when I leave this place? Will we find a way to keep in touch and be friends? I'm scared!
To keep myself brave, I sing, "Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play? Dear Prudence, such a lovely day. The sun is up, the sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you."
Eventually, a heavy drowsiness overtakes me and I fall asleep.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Black Betty
Whoa, black betty (bam-ba-lam)!
She's always ready (bam-ba-lam)!
She's so rock steady (bam-ba-lam)!
- Spiderbait, "Black Betty"
"We told you, remember, Camille? That you were going to play bass for us tonight? Spiderbait?"
"Fuck! I don't remember! I can't! I haven't learned it!"
"You'll just have to play your best because everyone's expecting you to play."
"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I love Spiderbait. I won't do them justice."
"People don't know the song we're going to play. Just act really thrashy. Punk style, yeah?"
"Fuck. Death by Punk."
"Fuck this, fuck that. Why do keep saying that word?"
"Oh, 'fuck' is more than a word. It's my way of life." And suddenly I feel, fuck them, I will not only play "Black Betty" but the whole fucking Tonight Alright album and dedicate "Fucken Awesome" to myself. Is that done? Can rock stars dedicate songs to themselves? Henceforth, let it be said that I am the only rock star to dedicate songs to herself.
A miracle happens on stage. I've learned "Black Betty" and I'm thrashing and singing along to "bam-ba-lam." And my band mates were right -- no one notices if I've made up some parts of the song because I've forgotten the real notes. I feel like I am Black Betty. It's so glorious.
She's always ready (bam-ba-lam)!
She's so rock steady (bam-ba-lam)!
- Spiderbait, "Black Betty"
"We told you, remember, Camille? That you were going to play bass for us tonight? Spiderbait?"
"Fuck! I don't remember! I can't! I haven't learned it!"
"You'll just have to play your best because everyone's expecting you to play."
"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I love Spiderbait. I won't do them justice."
"People don't know the song we're going to play. Just act really thrashy. Punk style, yeah?"
"Fuck. Death by Punk."
"Fuck this, fuck that. Why do keep saying that word?"
"Oh, 'fuck' is more than a word. It's my way of life." And suddenly I feel, fuck them, I will not only play "Black Betty" but the whole fucking Tonight Alright album and dedicate "Fucken Awesome" to myself. Is that done? Can rock stars dedicate songs to themselves? Henceforth, let it be said that I am the only rock star to dedicate songs to herself.
A miracle happens on stage. I've learned "Black Betty" and I'm thrashing and singing along to "bam-ba-lam." And my band mates were right -- no one notices if I've made up some parts of the song because I've forgotten the real notes. I feel like I am Black Betty. It's so glorious.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Death by Trance
What can I say? These massives are really massive.
"Are you okay?" he asks.
"Yes," I say, even though I mean "no" because I feel guilty about him wasting his $40 on a silly girl who can't appreciate a rave party. I can't help but make a biting remark, "I just hope your dancing skills have improved."
Massive chandeliers that give off different colors of light. Massive ferris wheels that spin you around to heighten your high. Massive bars. Massive stages. Massive stars.
Yes, because it's an outdoor rave party in the middle of San Francisco. Even though it's outdoors, it seems indoors because how else will those chandeliers hang. Unless... Am I drugged?
"Cams, keep up! I nearly lost you!"
"Fuck, I can't go on anymore. Death by Trance!"
"Trance? What are you talking about? This is my room."
I look around and see that he's right. We're in his room in his house in South Bay. I'm wearing my St Scho uniform. He's wearing his La Salle uniform. We're 10 years wiser but 10 years younger. We are before and after at the same time.
So I know because I remember. We've been fighting on the streets of South Bay. Me sitting on the sidewalk. Him giving a deranged soliloquy, pacing back and forth. Me thinking, "How can I help you if you push me away? Fuck you, say it! Tell me what I've already guessed! How dare you think that I don't know! How dare you treat me like a child!" And I remember him sitting beside me to cry which makes me cry too and then me thinking, "Maybe all we needed was a good cry."
"Just love me?"
"I do. You don't have to ask."
Did it really happen that way? Yes, yes, it did.
"Call Jill's house. They're waiting for me to come back. They might be worried." I say the exact words I said 10 years ago.
He steps out, exactly like he did ten years ago.
And I see everything with the voyeurism and hindsight of 10 years of wisdom and memory. I see him dial Jill's number and wait for her to pick up. I see Jill pick up the phone. I see him say, "She's with me. She's okay." I see Jill turn to the others - Nins, Chinx, TL - and say, "She's with him. She's okay." I see them give a collective sigh of relief. I see them lock the door that they were keeping unlocked for me. I see them turn off the lights.
And when he steps back into the room, exactly like he did ten years ago, I am asleep.
And it's with innocence he puts his arm around me and watches me sleep.
And it's with wisdom that I hurt because I know that this gesture of possession will be repeated, with different boys in different rooms, but no other gesture of love and possession will ever be as sweet and innocent as this first time.
"Are you okay?" he asks.
"Yes," I say, even though I mean "no" because I feel guilty about him wasting his $40 on a silly girl who can't appreciate a rave party. I can't help but make a biting remark, "I just hope your dancing skills have improved."
Massive chandeliers that give off different colors of light. Massive ferris wheels that spin you around to heighten your high. Massive bars. Massive stages. Massive stars.
Yes, because it's an outdoor rave party in the middle of San Francisco. Even though it's outdoors, it seems indoors because how else will those chandeliers hang. Unless... Am I drugged?
"Cams, keep up! I nearly lost you!"
"Fuck, I can't go on anymore. Death by Trance!"
"Trance? What are you talking about? This is my room."
I look around and see that he's right. We're in his room in his house in South Bay. I'm wearing my St Scho uniform. He's wearing his La Salle uniform. We're 10 years wiser but 10 years younger. We are before and after at the same time.
So I know because I remember. We've been fighting on the streets of South Bay. Me sitting on the sidewalk. Him giving a deranged soliloquy, pacing back and forth. Me thinking, "How can I help you if you push me away? Fuck you, say it! Tell me what I've already guessed! How dare you think that I don't know! How dare you treat me like a child!" And I remember him sitting beside me to cry which makes me cry too and then me thinking, "Maybe all we needed was a good cry."
"Just love me?"
"I do. You don't have to ask."
Did it really happen that way? Yes, yes, it did.
"Call Jill's house. They're waiting for me to come back. They might be worried." I say the exact words I said 10 years ago.
He steps out, exactly like he did ten years ago.
And I see everything with the voyeurism and hindsight of 10 years of wisdom and memory. I see him dial Jill's number and wait for her to pick up. I see Jill pick up the phone. I see him say, "She's with me. She's okay." I see Jill turn to the others - Nins, Chinx, TL - and say, "She's with him. She's okay." I see them give a collective sigh of relief. I see them lock the door that they were keeping unlocked for me. I see them turn off the lights.
And when he steps back into the room, exactly like he did ten years ago, I am asleep.
And it's with innocence he puts his arm around me and watches me sleep.
And it's with wisdom that I hurt because I know that this gesture of possession will be repeated, with different boys in different rooms, but no other gesture of love and possession will ever be as sweet and innocent as this first time.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Just Love Me
Maybe it helps you be a better friend if you've never been on Friendster.
Isn't this funny, my bad luck in elevators has transliterated to planes. I managed to ride the wrong one because here I am in China with no luggage, no passport, no currency. This is my ultimate Bridget Jones Moment.
But the beaches are beautiful. Maybe I can just pretend this is Boracay. Oh, forget it. There are too many Chinese. I wonder how you say, "Where can I get a Brazilian wax?" in Chinese.
I don't even have a bathing suit.
This man. This man transforms into anyone I want him to be. It's almost scary. We walk to his room which is just a shack ten other people share with him but they all complicitly step out to go to the beach when we enter. We look at each other, this anyman man, and giggle because really, we have nothing lascivious in mind. No, I lie. Lascivious is all I have in mind.
"Who do I transform you to now?"
We kiss.
"Who are you?"
I can't see. I try to figure out who he is, from the taste of his saliva, from the pressure of his lips, from the way he bites.
"Tell me who you are."
"Don't you recognize me? From Friendster?" He pulls me closer.
"I quit Friendster."
"Yes but you didn't quit me, did you?" He tugs at my hair. "You didn't, did you?"
"If I don't know who you are how will I know if I should love you or hate you?"
"Just love me," he says just as I take him inside me.
Suddenly I know who he is.
Isn't this funny, my bad luck in elevators has transliterated to planes. I managed to ride the wrong one because here I am in China with no luggage, no passport, no currency. This is my ultimate Bridget Jones Moment.
But the beaches are beautiful. Maybe I can just pretend this is Boracay. Oh, forget it. There are too many Chinese. I wonder how you say, "Where can I get a Brazilian wax?" in Chinese.
I don't even have a bathing suit.
This man. This man transforms into anyone I want him to be. It's almost scary. We walk to his room which is just a shack ten other people share with him but they all complicitly step out to go to the beach when we enter. We look at each other, this anyman man, and giggle because really, we have nothing lascivious in mind. No, I lie. Lascivious is all I have in mind.
"Who do I transform you to now?"
We kiss.
"Who are you?"
I can't see. I try to figure out who he is, from the taste of his saliva, from the pressure of his lips, from the way he bites.
"Tell me who you are."
"Don't you recognize me? From Friendster?" He pulls me closer.
"I quit Friendster."
"Yes but you didn't quit me, did you?" He tugs at my hair. "You didn't, did you?"
"If I don't know who you are how will I know if I should love you or hate you?"
"Just love me," he says just as I take him inside me.
Suddenly I know who he is.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Messages
Oh, please, not the St Scho uniform again.
I sit at the back of the classroom and start messaging people in furious, desperate manner as being in classroom wearing a uniform makes me feel helpless and cut off from the world. I look at my phone. Oh my god. So many messages. I was so sure I answered these messages already! Remember sinking feeling of being in Ambergris and opening email to see 50 unread in inbox, all waiting for reply.
"Sunsh, you'll never believe it but am stuck, once again, in St Pain. Please rescue. Don't want to miss your birthday."
"Pao, I might be stuck here for some time. Please take care of Forest."
"Mama, test results on top of dining table. Please take to Dr. Lumibao. Particularly interested in reason am bruising."
"Kit, when is fucking deadline again?"
"Ricci, count me in. Text directions."
"Naj, I need a lawyer."
I know the rest of the students look at me suspiciously as cell phones are like, banned, and people who message in the middle of the school day are serious vigilantes, likened to the NPA. They're so young and gullible. I feel so smug. How can they not see that I am not one of them?
I keep sending messages until my phone's screen becomes blurry, until the keypad is almost destroyed but my unread messages keep growing exponentially, until my messages become more and more desperate.
New message. More? It's from Moe. "Waiting for you. Won't leave without you but hurry. Rest of them went ahead."
I'm so confused I can't even begin to reply.
"Do you think you can rescue --- " Clear message.
"I don't think I can --- " Clear message.
"I'm stuck in ---" Clear message.
"Sorry but --- " Clear message.
"Sorry for the delay. All very weird. Wait. Will be there shortly." Send.
I sit at the back of the classroom and start messaging people in furious, desperate manner as being in classroom wearing a uniform makes me feel helpless and cut off from the world. I look at my phone. Oh my god. So many messages. I was so sure I answered these messages already! Remember sinking feeling of being in Ambergris and opening email to see 50 unread in inbox, all waiting for reply.
"Sunsh, you'll never believe it but am stuck, once again, in St Pain. Please rescue. Don't want to miss your birthday."
"Pao, I might be stuck here for some time. Please take care of Forest."
"Mama, test results on top of dining table. Please take to Dr. Lumibao. Particularly interested in reason am bruising."
"Kit, when is fucking deadline again?"
"Ricci, count me in. Text directions."
"Naj, I need a lawyer."
I know the rest of the students look at me suspiciously as cell phones are like, banned, and people who message in the middle of the school day are serious vigilantes, likened to the NPA. They're so young and gullible. I feel so smug. How can they not see that I am not one of them?
I keep sending messages until my phone's screen becomes blurry, until the keypad is almost destroyed but my unread messages keep growing exponentially, until my messages become more and more desperate.
New message. More? It's from Moe. "Waiting for you. Won't leave without you but hurry. Rest of them went ahead."
I'm so confused I can't even begin to reply.
"Do you think you can rescue --- " Clear message.
"I don't think I can --- " Clear message.
"I'm stuck in ---" Clear message.
"Sorry but --- " Clear message.
"Sorry for the delay. All very weird. Wait. Will be there shortly." Send.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Acting
Driving car. Drunk with Naj. Forgotten how to drive non-automatic car. Feet do not want to cooperate, stick feels heavy. Goodness I must concentrate because we have to rush back to St Scho to star in a school play. It dawns on me, we don't have to attend this thing, we're not students anymore, but the thought vanishes and I feel compelled to oblige.
Backstage. Wearing Queen costume. I don't even know my lines. Director says just go and pretend you know what you're doing. What? What does that mean? What does she mean by pretend?
Onstage. Sitting pretty like real Queen Camille I. Everyone else knows their lines. Never mind. Walk a little, fan myself a little. I guess I should just go ahead with normal stage business. Even Mama came to watch me, how funny!
Curtain call. What's going on? Why is the audience coming on stage? Why are they all bowing to me?
I turn Naj, "Are they bowing to me because I'm Queen Camille I?"
"No, fool. They're bowing because they've been performing for you! They were acting like an audience. Gets?"
"That's hilarious! What an original idea! I guess I should clap then! Clap with me Naj! Not like that, fool! With one hand steady and the other's fingers tapping the steady palm --- like a lady, like we were taught in school!"
Backstage. Wearing Queen costume. I don't even know my lines. Director says just go and pretend you know what you're doing. What? What does that mean? What does she mean by pretend?
Onstage. Sitting pretty like real Queen Camille I. Everyone else knows their lines. Never mind. Walk a little, fan myself a little. I guess I should just go ahead with normal stage business. Even Mama came to watch me, how funny!
Curtain call. What's going on? Why is the audience coming on stage? Why are they all bowing to me?
I turn Naj, "Are they bowing to me because I'm Queen Camille I?"
"No, fool. They're bowing because they've been performing for you! They were acting like an audience. Gets?"
"That's hilarious! What an original idea! I guess I should clap then! Clap with me Naj! Not like that, fool! With one hand steady and the other's fingers tapping the steady palm --- like a lady, like we were taught in school!"
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Superior Hostess
Your emergency's about to end.
Earlier this evening on your bed.
- Possum Dixon, "Emergency"
Chapter 1
Slumber party! The whole house to myself and my guests! It's a dream come true!
At first I was concerned about the condition of the house because it's been empty for so long but everything is in tip-top shape. Excellent.
I get to keep my old blue room, of course. The guests get to pick from the other rooms.
Sunshine takes Cheng's room. Good choice, Sunsh. Big airy room with two views - one of the courtyard.
My UP friends (Kit, Kath, Abi, LaVerne) take Sockie's room since there are more of them and that room has more beds.
Where to put my barkada? Oh, the library! That has its own bathroom too! Everything is fine. Lalalala.
Moe gets the upstairs master's bedroom. The master's bedroom! That room has two views as well! Wait a minute! Oh, okay, whatever. At least he gets his own bathroom and doesn't have to share with the girls.
More people are coming! Wee! Will just open up more rooms.
Feeling very much like superior type of hostess. People will say, "That Camille throws the best slumber parties!" Heehee.
"Hey! Come in! So glad you could come!" Beso, beso. Move on to next guest. "Hey... Tina?"
Blink, blink. Now how did she happen to be invited?
"Umm. Moe invited me. Can I stay?"
It only takes me a second of hesitation to earn a lifetime of guilt for being inhospitable and I fall over myself trying to make up for it.
"Yes. Yes! Come in! Certainly!" Weirdly enough I don't want to hurt her feelings. Her feelings!
It doesn't seem enough of an act of contrition so I say, "Look, you get the best room in the house!"
And before I can stop myself I've led her to the downstairs master bedroom. Auntie Nieves' room! The one with the best two views. The one with high ceilings! The one beside the bush of rosal whose flowers make the room so fragrant. The one with the walk in closet! I look at Tina's clothes and think she doesn't deserve a walk in closet and for a second want to tell her, "Don't go in there! Don't go in that room! It's my favorite!" But I am a superior hostess and god damn me if I am rude to my guests.
I settle her in and sit outside her room. I'm so envious. Am I selfish? Begrudging her a short stay in my favorite room? It's just that she's so lukcy. She's so lucky. This master bedroom comes with a master suite. It has a little common room and an extra room. It comes with so many perks! Sigh. Lucky, lucky Tina.
And hello?!? Who is this woman sitting in the extra room in the master suite? I swear next time must hire bouncer.
I inhale and do recite my mantra in my head. "Superior hostess. Superior hostess. Superior hostess."
Then Tina pops out. "Camille? I forgot to tell you. I brought my Mother. Ma, meet Camille, our gracious, superior hostess."
Chapter 2
Stupid fuck! Gracious, superior hostess indeed!
Must find Moe. What's this? Mothers? What kind of slumber party is this? Will never forgive him. Never can ever! Why am I mad at him? Why? Because I cannot get mad at Tina, that's why! Because I cannot get mad at the old lady who is her mother, that's why! This one is on him! Damn him!
Where are my cigarettes?
I confront him in the upstairs master bedroom and it hits me that him and Tina have one master bedroom each and that just makes me laugh and cry at the same time.
"I cannot believe it! You brought her and she brought her mother! You didn't even bother to ask me! This is my house!"
"Her mother? Has she come? Where is she?"
"Oh, don't worry. I settled her in. She and Tina are staying in the master suite with Tina in the master bedroom! How did it happen that you and Tina get the best rooms!"
"Fine. Take this room! Tina and I will share. She'll share with me, generous, sweet, perfect girl that she is."
Ouch. "GO AHEAD TRAITOR!" Ang sakit talaga!
"Who are you calling a traitor? You're an infidel! Evil Cam-evil! What made you think I could ever take you seriously? You're a bad person and a terrible hostess!"
"Ohhhh, fuck it! Fuck you! Fuck the world! I am a superior hostess and will continue being a superior hostess and attend to my other guests but we're not done here!"
"Oh, yes we are! We were done long ago!"
Chapter 3
Dinner. Tired. Now how can it be that I can't find a seat in my own house?
Ah, there, Moe. Never mind if we parted in a sour, bruttish fashion. Must make up now and share a table.
But as I'm making my way, he spots me and as if to not make me come any closer, he stands up hastily and prepares to give a speech and for a while I smile thinking he will repeat his welcome-to-MCI speech just to make me laugh but he announces his engagement to Tina and I see that they've been sitting beside each other all this time. Engagement! That's why she brought her mother! Fuck me, why didn't I see this coming?
Everyone stands up to clap and cheer and I'm standing there holding my plate, holding my breath, holding my tears.
"Superior hostess. Superior hostess. Superior hostess." No, it's no good. It's not working.
I start to cry. Never mind. No one is looking at me anyway.
Hay, Moe. You do what you have to do.
Good bye guests. Good bye my room with my postcards on the walls and my dolls on shelves. Good bye house. I thought this time I could keep you.
No one notices me put my plate down on the nearest table, leave the room, walk out of my own house and disappear.
Earlier this evening on your bed.
- Possum Dixon, "Emergency"
Chapter 1
Slumber party! The whole house to myself and my guests! It's a dream come true!
At first I was concerned about the condition of the house because it's been empty for so long but everything is in tip-top shape. Excellent.
I get to keep my old blue room, of course. The guests get to pick from the other rooms.
Sunshine takes Cheng's room. Good choice, Sunsh. Big airy room with two views - one of the courtyard.
My UP friends (Kit, Kath, Abi, LaVerne) take Sockie's room since there are more of them and that room has more beds.
Where to put my barkada? Oh, the library! That has its own bathroom too! Everything is fine. Lalalala.
Moe gets the upstairs master's bedroom. The master's bedroom! That room has two views as well! Wait a minute! Oh, okay, whatever. At least he gets his own bathroom and doesn't have to share with the girls.
More people are coming! Wee! Will just open up more rooms.
Feeling very much like superior type of hostess. People will say, "That Camille throws the best slumber parties!" Heehee.
"Hey! Come in! So glad you could come!" Beso, beso. Move on to next guest. "Hey... Tina?"
Blink, blink. Now how did she happen to be invited?
"Umm. Moe invited me. Can I stay?"
It only takes me a second of hesitation to earn a lifetime of guilt for being inhospitable and I fall over myself trying to make up for it.
"Yes. Yes! Come in! Certainly!" Weirdly enough I don't want to hurt her feelings. Her feelings!
It doesn't seem enough of an act of contrition so I say, "Look, you get the best room in the house!"
And before I can stop myself I've led her to the downstairs master bedroom. Auntie Nieves' room! The one with the best two views. The one with high ceilings! The one beside the bush of rosal whose flowers make the room so fragrant. The one with the walk in closet! I look at Tina's clothes and think she doesn't deserve a walk in closet and for a second want to tell her, "Don't go in there! Don't go in that room! It's my favorite!" But I am a superior hostess and god damn me if I am rude to my guests.
I settle her in and sit outside her room. I'm so envious. Am I selfish? Begrudging her a short stay in my favorite room? It's just that she's so lukcy. She's so lucky. This master bedroom comes with a master suite. It has a little common room and an extra room. It comes with so many perks! Sigh. Lucky, lucky Tina.
And hello?!? Who is this woman sitting in the extra room in the master suite? I swear next time must hire bouncer.
I inhale and do recite my mantra in my head. "Superior hostess. Superior hostess. Superior hostess."
Then Tina pops out. "Camille? I forgot to tell you. I brought my Mother. Ma, meet Camille, our gracious, superior hostess."
Chapter 2
Stupid fuck! Gracious, superior hostess indeed!
Must find Moe. What's this? Mothers? What kind of slumber party is this? Will never forgive him. Never can ever! Why am I mad at him? Why? Because I cannot get mad at Tina, that's why! Because I cannot get mad at the old lady who is her mother, that's why! This one is on him! Damn him!
Where are my cigarettes?
I confront him in the upstairs master bedroom and it hits me that him and Tina have one master bedroom each and that just makes me laugh and cry at the same time.
"I cannot believe it! You brought her and she brought her mother! You didn't even bother to ask me! This is my house!"
"Her mother? Has she come? Where is she?"
"Oh, don't worry. I settled her in. She and Tina are staying in the master suite with Tina in the master bedroom! How did it happen that you and Tina get the best rooms!"
"Fine. Take this room! Tina and I will share. She'll share with me, generous, sweet, perfect girl that she is."
Ouch. "GO AHEAD TRAITOR!" Ang sakit talaga!
"Who are you calling a traitor? You're an infidel! Evil Cam-evil! What made you think I could ever take you seriously? You're a bad person and a terrible hostess!"
"Ohhhh, fuck it! Fuck you! Fuck the world! I am a superior hostess and will continue being a superior hostess and attend to my other guests but we're not done here!"
"Oh, yes we are! We were done long ago!"
Chapter 3
Dinner. Tired. Now how can it be that I can't find a seat in my own house?
Ah, there, Moe. Never mind if we parted in a sour, bruttish fashion. Must make up now and share a table.
But as I'm making my way, he spots me and as if to not make me come any closer, he stands up hastily and prepares to give a speech and for a while I smile thinking he will repeat his welcome-to-MCI speech just to make me laugh but he announces his engagement to Tina and I see that they've been sitting beside each other all this time. Engagement! That's why she brought her mother! Fuck me, why didn't I see this coming?
Everyone stands up to clap and cheer and I'm standing there holding my plate, holding my breath, holding my tears.
"Superior hostess. Superior hostess. Superior hostess." No, it's no good. It's not working.
I start to cry. Never mind. No one is looking at me anyway.
Hay, Moe. You do what you have to do.
Good bye guests. Good bye my room with my postcards on the walls and my dolls on shelves. Good bye house. I thought this time I could keep you.
No one notices me put my plate down on the nearest table, leave the room, walk out of my own house and disappear.
Friday, March 10, 2006
No Point
We're being bombed. St Scho is a relocation center and I'm put together with thousands of strangers. Bombs drop left and right. The ground rocks. The walls crack. The ceiling comes crashing. We scamper right and left.
I think of Forest. He's so dumb and helpless. I shouldn't have left him in our house to die with Paolo. Forest wouldn't understand it when a bomb comes for him. He's so silly. We could've made it, the two of us, running and hiding. I wouldn't even take anything in my bag except his food.
I leave the crowd. I need to be alone. There's no point to life.
I take a moment to remember him, my baby Forest. The way he'd jump at me when I'd walk in the door. The way he'd wake me up or cuddle beside me at night. The way we'd play hide and seek, me pretending not to see him, "Where's Forest? Forest, why did you leave Mommy?" and his tail going "tak, tak, tak" and he's so stupid to think I don't see him and then I'll pretend to cry and then he'll emerge from his hiding place to jump on me and lick my face, all this time squirming from delight thinking he played a really good joke on me.
It's the most fortunate blessing to be loved by a dog.
Oh, Forest. I love you. I hope it didn't hurt for you.
The building in front of me has caught fire. I walk towards it slowly until I disappear into the fire.
I think of Forest. He's so dumb and helpless. I shouldn't have left him in our house to die with Paolo. Forest wouldn't understand it when a bomb comes for him. He's so silly. We could've made it, the two of us, running and hiding. I wouldn't even take anything in my bag except his food.
I leave the crowd. I need to be alone. There's no point to life.
I take a moment to remember him, my baby Forest. The way he'd jump at me when I'd walk in the door. The way he'd wake me up or cuddle beside me at night. The way we'd play hide and seek, me pretending not to see him, "Where's Forest? Forest, why did you leave Mommy?" and his tail going "tak, tak, tak" and he's so stupid to think I don't see him and then I'll pretend to cry and then he'll emerge from his hiding place to jump on me and lick my face, all this time squirming from delight thinking he played a really good joke on me.
It's the most fortunate blessing to be loved by a dog.
Oh, Forest. I love you. I hope it didn't hurt for you.
The building in front of me has caught fire. I walk towards it slowly until I disappear into the fire.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Crossing the Ocean
We're to cross the ocean on nothing but tiny boats that fit one person. There are four of us adults, a baby and four boats.
John is the only boy and first in command and he's the crummiest, dumbest boss I've ever worked with.
His first blunder: Forcing us to leave before we were ready. We were only wearing our bathing suits that didn't help us against the cold. The baby was assigned to me. I almost dropped it in the water thrice!
His second blunder: Making us set sail when it was high tide. When we were no further than 20 feet into the ocean the tide brought us in.
His third blunder: Ordering us to rest by the shore once the tide brought us in. I saw huge waves coming in and yelled, "Run!" and we all scampered to higher ground.
John was once again giving orders once we had settled down but I shut him up and took over. I ordered the girls to get us proper ocean wear (giving specific instructions as to the kind of bathing suit I want to wear under the outer suit.) Then I find the baby some milk.
The water is soon so calm. Not a ripple in sight. I decide we need to set sail. I assign the baby to someone else and tell John and I don't to hear a squeak out of him. We move along the water. (I love my outfit!) We keep sailing and I'm so happy but at the same time so frightened because there's nothing in sight but the ocean.
John is the only boy and first in command and he's the crummiest, dumbest boss I've ever worked with.
His first blunder: Forcing us to leave before we were ready. We were only wearing our bathing suits that didn't help us against the cold. The baby was assigned to me. I almost dropped it in the water thrice!
His second blunder: Making us set sail when it was high tide. When we were no further than 20 feet into the ocean the tide brought us in.
His third blunder: Ordering us to rest by the shore once the tide brought us in. I saw huge waves coming in and yelled, "Run!" and we all scampered to higher ground.
John was once again giving orders once we had settled down but I shut him up and took over. I ordered the girls to get us proper ocean wear (giving specific instructions as to the kind of bathing suit I want to wear under the outer suit.) Then I find the baby some milk.
The water is soon so calm. Not a ripple in sight. I decide we need to set sail. I assign the baby to someone else and tell John and I don't to hear a squeak out of him. We move along the water. (I love my outfit!) We keep sailing and I'm so happy but at the same time so frightened because there's nothing in sight but the ocean.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Pixie and Pony
"Best friends?" Pony says. "We are sisters," Pony says.
- From "Pixie and Pony" by Francesca Lia Block
We're Sunshine and Camille. We're also Pixie and Pony. We're not exactly sure if St. Pain is the bubble gum / film noir, vintage / ultramodern, starstruck Los Angeles of Block's work but today we're on a mission.
Before we even get to talk about strategy the students come down to the quadrangle and I'm literally engulfed by a sea of blue and white uniforms smelling as if they just came from PE.
Then Tina comes up to me to tell me that we have to leave as the whole institution is having Mass and that strangers are not allowed.
They caught us, I realize, so I say, "Okay, we're leaving."
Sunshine and I look at each other in disbelief and on our way out we dissect just what happened.
"Who would think Tina could do this to us?"
"She was always nice to us!"
"I was expecting Juliet to pounce upon us, honestly, but not Tina!"
"God, what's wrong with these secretaries?"
"Tina has lost it."
"Totally."
"Juliet's influence."
"Do you notice how secretaries have strange names?"
"I think people with certain names are destined to become secretaries. Don't you think?"
"I can imagine a Juliet and a Tina doing secretarial things."
"Juliet, Tina. Joo-leeh-et. Tee-nah. Hahaha."
"There's another Juliet in UP. Hahaha."
"Right, really sungit too. Hahaha!"
"I know an Annabel and a Maricel. Hahaha!"
"I know a Maritess. Hahaha!"
"And what about us? Camille and Sunshine? Pixie and Pony?"
"We're not secretaries! We're sisters!"
- From "Pixie and Pony" by Francesca Lia Block
We're Sunshine and Camille. We're also Pixie and Pony. We're not exactly sure if St. Pain is the bubble gum / film noir, vintage / ultramodern, starstruck Los Angeles of Block's work but today we're on a mission.
Before we even get to talk about strategy the students come down to the quadrangle and I'm literally engulfed by a sea of blue and white uniforms smelling as if they just came from PE.
Then Tina comes up to me to tell me that we have to leave as the whole institution is having Mass and that strangers are not allowed.
They caught us, I realize, so I say, "Okay, we're leaving."
Sunshine and I look at each other in disbelief and on our way out we dissect just what happened.
"Who would think Tina could do this to us?"
"She was always nice to us!"
"I was expecting Juliet to pounce upon us, honestly, but not Tina!"
"God, what's wrong with these secretaries?"
"Tina has lost it."
"Totally."
"Juliet's influence."
"Do you notice how secretaries have strange names?"
"I think people with certain names are destined to become secretaries. Don't you think?"
"I can imagine a Juliet and a Tina doing secretarial things."
"Juliet, Tina. Joo-leeh-et. Tee-nah. Hahaha."
"There's another Juliet in UP. Hahaha."
"Right, really sungit too. Hahaha!"
"I know an Annabel and a Maricel. Hahaha!"
"I know a Maritess. Hahaha!"
"And what about us? Camille and Sunshine? Pixie and Pony?"
"We're not secretaries! We're sisters!"
Sunday, March 05, 2006
The Orchestra Pit and The Game of Tetris
Sunshine and I are judges and the only audience of this lavish St. Pain student production. What can I say, it's far better than any school production I've ever seen. The ambience of St. Cecilia's hall lends the whole thing some professionalism.
This tiny girl, Joanna (and I don't even remember having her as a student), makes a big entrance but misses the X spot marked for her on the stage and bounces off the big props and disappears down the orchestra pit --- the same pit I almost fell into years ago. We're all stunned into silence. It's so quiet that we hear her bones crack as she lands.
Could the pit really be that deep?
"Oh my God!" I scream and while I run to the pit I call out to the class president, "Chukis, run to the clinic! Run! Tell them we need an ambulance!"
"Sunshine? Sunshine?" Sunshine has disappeared.
By the time I get to the orchestra pit, the whole class is there and I see someone stroking Joanna's leg, trying to get her to move.
"Don't touch her! Don't move her!" There's so much crying and wailing and I myself want to start crying but I feel that as a teacher I must keep my composure.
"Everbody move away from her. Everyone except you, Balot. You can stay beside her and keep talking to her."
The pit clears and I see Joanna's broken face for the first time.
Bloody. Cracked into several pieces, like a jigsaw puzzle. Limbs twisted like gnarled branches.
I realize how tiny she really is. How tiny and broken. Like Barbie having a bad hair day.
I am unable to speak nor cry.
(At the next issue of The Blue Flame, an editorial will comment on my lack of tears and they will interpret my shock as unfeelingness.)
***
I want to say I'm sorry.
If you think that I could be forgiven. Wish you would.
I look at him from afar and practice my apology in my head but before I gather enough of myself he calls out to me, "Come, Camille and watch me play Tetris."
I come up to him from behind and watch. Nothing else is said.
I can't remember the last thing that you said to me as you were leaving. Now the days go by so fast.
To be able to follow the game more closely, I bend and rest my chin on his right shoulder. And he doesn't flinch so perhaps I have been forgiven.
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass.
And this is the only tender moment we share. Me and this nameless, faceless man who has yet to tell me I have been forgiven.
This tiny girl, Joanna (and I don't even remember having her as a student), makes a big entrance but misses the X spot marked for her on the stage and bounces off the big props and disappears down the orchestra pit --- the same pit I almost fell into years ago. We're all stunned into silence. It's so quiet that we hear her bones crack as she lands.
Could the pit really be that deep?
"Oh my God!" I scream and while I run to the pit I call out to the class president, "Chukis, run to the clinic! Run! Tell them we need an ambulance!"
"Sunshine? Sunshine?" Sunshine has disappeared.
By the time I get to the orchestra pit, the whole class is there and I see someone stroking Joanna's leg, trying to get her to move.
"Don't touch her! Don't move her!" There's so much crying and wailing and I myself want to start crying but I feel that as a teacher I must keep my composure.
"Everbody move away from her. Everyone except you, Balot. You can stay beside her and keep talking to her."
The pit clears and I see Joanna's broken face for the first time.
Bloody. Cracked into several pieces, like a jigsaw puzzle. Limbs twisted like gnarled branches.
I realize how tiny she really is. How tiny and broken. Like Barbie having a bad hair day.
I am unable to speak nor cry.
(At the next issue of The Blue Flame, an editorial will comment on my lack of tears and they will interpret my shock as unfeelingness.)
***
I want to say I'm sorry.
If you think that I could be forgiven. Wish you would.
I look at him from afar and practice my apology in my head but before I gather enough of myself he calls out to me, "Come, Camille and watch me play Tetris."
I come up to him from behind and watch. Nothing else is said.
I can't remember the last thing that you said to me as you were leaving. Now the days go by so fast.
To be able to follow the game more closely, I bend and rest my chin on his right shoulder. And he doesn't flinch so perhaps I have been forgiven.
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass.
And this is the only tender moment we share. Me and this nameless, faceless man who has yet to tell me I have been forgiven.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Returned
I've been returned.
"What am I going to do with you now?" Mama asks.
"Give me my inheritance, Ma, and I promise to never cause trouble again."
To my surprise, Mama gives me a house and lots of money. I may be disgraced but at least I'm still rich.
It gets lonely and on my first night alone I call Paolo.
"This is ridiculous. Take me back or else!"
Silence. I wonder what's taking him so long to say, "Okay."
"What am I going to do with you now?" Mama asks.
"Give me my inheritance, Ma, and I promise to never cause trouble again."
To my surprise, Mama gives me a house and lots of money. I may be disgraced but at least I'm still rich.
It gets lonely and on my first night alone I call Paolo.
"This is ridiculous. Take me back or else!"
Silence. I wonder what's taking him so long to say, "Okay."
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
All the World Drops Dead
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
"Camille!"
I realize I've been mumbling Sylvia Plath. I take a deep breath and look around. It's all dark and fuzzy at first but soon I begin to see.
Around me are evidence of a plane crash. Pieces of metal still steaming with heat. Luggage. Severed limbs. Blood.
It's beautiful beyond the grounds that are dirtied by signs of the crash. Blue ocean. White sand. Coconut trees. Fruit waiting to be picked.
The voice again, "Camille!"
I ignore it and start to search for survivors but find nothing but limbs that don't have bodies, bodies that don't have faces and soon I scream from frustration.
I scream until the voice comes again. Urgently this time, "Camille!"
I try to locate its source as all world drops dead.
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
"Camille!"
I realize I've been mumbling Sylvia Plath. I take a deep breath and look around. It's all dark and fuzzy at first but soon I begin to see.
Around me are evidence of a plane crash. Pieces of metal still steaming with heat. Luggage. Severed limbs. Blood.
It's beautiful beyond the grounds that are dirtied by signs of the crash. Blue ocean. White sand. Coconut trees. Fruit waiting to be picked.
The voice again, "Camille!"
I ignore it and start to search for survivors but find nothing but limbs that don't have bodies, bodies that don't have faces and soon I scream from frustration.
I scream until the voice comes again. Urgently this time, "Camille!"
I try to locate its source as all world drops dead.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Science Experiment and Super Mario Top Score
Huddled on the floor of the science room. Late afternoon. Wearing St Scho uniforms in different stages of untidiness.
Normie: It's genius. We'll have to go through with it.
Nyanne: I can't believe nobody's ever thought of this before. We'll be famous.
Camille: Who gets to be IT?
Normie: We draw straws. [Holds up 3 straws. The three of them draw then compare.]
Camille: Shit. [Slumps on the floor and theatrically covers her eyes with her arm.]
Normie: Take this. [Gives Camille a bottle.] Rub a substantial amount of lotion on your nipples and wait for them to disappear.
Camille: [Sadly.] What if they do?
Nyanne: Then it means our formula for disappearing nipples works! Imagine that, you can rub away your nipples.
Camille: But I like mine! I don't want to be the girl without nipples! That's worse than having three!
Normie: I promise you, it's worth it.
Camille: What if I'm allergic to this thing? How cruel of you to not even check.
Nyanne: We'll check now. [Takes some of the lotion and rubs it on Camille's forearm. The three of them just stare for a minute or so.]
Normie: Nothing.
Nyanne: Nothing, I told you.
Camille gets up and goes to the bathroom and locks herself in a stall. She then dunks the lotion in the toilet bowl and waits. Soon she returns to join Normie and Nyanne.
Normie and Nyanne: Well?
Camille: That stuff doesn't work. [Normie and Nyanne peer at her breasts from her neckline.]
Normie: I was so sure!
Nyanne looks at Camille suspiciously but Camille just smiles, happy that she still has her nipples.
***
It's our bedroom minus the walls and the ceiling. Paolo is fast asleep but I nudge him and say, "Water, please." He doesn't wake up, not tonight.
I stand and go the the water pump and wait my turn because there's someone else getting water. Paolo wakes up and sees me, "Camille! Come back! Come back!"
I'm so frightened by his voice and the look on his face that I run and jump back into bed.
He says, "Have you got no sense at all? Look!"
I look and see that the person getting water has turned around and has revealed himself to be a monster.
The monster changes shape several times. First he's a horse that bares all its teeth. Then a transparent labrador who shows his fangs. Then a monster in green with a ghoulish face.
The monster starts moving closer to us. I try to say my prayers but I have forgotten them. I make the sign of the cross but the monster mimics me and makes the sign of the cross too. I knew it, I knew religion would never come through for me.
I peer at the monster. Why, he's just a little boy. I lunge forward and wring his neck. He laughs and sticks his tongue out. His eyes roll around and around.
"What do you want?" I ask.
He cackles like a witch and his eyes pop out and I from the empty sockets I can see his brains.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT? TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!"
Finally he says, "I would like to beat your Super Mario top score you evil, evil, evil Cam-evil bitch!"
Normie: It's genius. We'll have to go through with it.
Nyanne: I can't believe nobody's ever thought of this before. We'll be famous.
Camille: Who gets to be IT?
Normie: We draw straws. [Holds up 3 straws. The three of them draw then compare.]
Camille: Shit. [Slumps on the floor and theatrically covers her eyes with her arm.]
Normie: Take this. [Gives Camille a bottle.] Rub a substantial amount of lotion on your nipples and wait for them to disappear.
Camille: [Sadly.] What if they do?
Nyanne: Then it means our formula for disappearing nipples works! Imagine that, you can rub away your nipples.
Camille: But I like mine! I don't want to be the girl without nipples! That's worse than having three!
Normie: I promise you, it's worth it.
Camille: What if I'm allergic to this thing? How cruel of you to not even check.
Nyanne: We'll check now. [Takes some of the lotion and rubs it on Camille's forearm. The three of them just stare for a minute or so.]
Normie: Nothing.
Nyanne: Nothing, I told you.
Camille gets up and goes to the bathroom and locks herself in a stall. She then dunks the lotion in the toilet bowl and waits. Soon she returns to join Normie and Nyanne.
Normie and Nyanne: Well?
Camille: That stuff doesn't work. [Normie and Nyanne peer at her breasts from her neckline.]
Normie: I was so sure!
Nyanne looks at Camille suspiciously but Camille just smiles, happy that she still has her nipples.
***
It's our bedroom minus the walls and the ceiling. Paolo is fast asleep but I nudge him and say, "Water, please." He doesn't wake up, not tonight.
I stand and go the the water pump and wait my turn because there's someone else getting water. Paolo wakes up and sees me, "Camille! Come back! Come back!"
I'm so frightened by his voice and the look on his face that I run and jump back into bed.
He says, "Have you got no sense at all? Look!"
I look and see that the person getting water has turned around and has revealed himself to be a monster.
The monster changes shape several times. First he's a horse that bares all its teeth. Then a transparent labrador who shows his fangs. Then a monster in green with a ghoulish face.
The monster starts moving closer to us. I try to say my prayers but I have forgotten them. I make the sign of the cross but the monster mimics me and makes the sign of the cross too. I knew it, I knew religion would never come through for me.
I peer at the monster. Why, he's just a little boy. I lunge forward and wring his neck. He laughs and sticks his tongue out. His eyes roll around and around.
"What do you want?" I ask.
He cackles like a witch and his eyes pop out and I from the empty sockets I can see his brains.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT? TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!"
Finally he says, "I would like to beat your Super Mario top score you evil, evil, evil Cam-evil bitch!"
Monday, February 27, 2006
The God of Calvin and The Presidential Limousine
She thinks she is providence... She thinks she is the God of Calvin, she sees the beginning and the end.
What people don't realize about being the Messiah is that mere presence is enough to save.
What's even more ironic is that nobody needs saving. We've all been saved already.
So I'd rather be providence, the God of Calvin or the Messiah than someone always pathetically crying out to be saved.
***
Because the Philippines is in a State of Emergency, I'm wary to attend class all the way to UP. But Gloria Macapagal Arroyo herself gives me a ride.
I'm sitting beside her on the back of the Presidential Limousine and she talks about her family. I ask her, "Do they always support your crazy schemes?"
Pretty soon I start feeling guilty. I know why she's giving me a ride. She knows I want to be president. She knows I wish her dead.
I draw a breath and concentrate on small talk.
"Doesn't it feel like summer?"
She doesn't only drop me off at UP. She walks me to class. It's such a hassle, walking beside this small tiresome woman, who won't leave me alone. We meet Butch Dalisay on the way to my class room and I feel obliged to make the introductions.
Soon afterwards, Gloria leaves me alone and as much as I hate her, I wish I arranged for her to lend me her car so I could have a safe ride home.
What people don't realize about being the Messiah is that mere presence is enough to save.
What's even more ironic is that nobody needs saving. We've all been saved already.
So I'd rather be providence, the God of Calvin or the Messiah than someone always pathetically crying out to be saved.
***
Because the Philippines is in a State of Emergency, I'm wary to attend class all the way to UP. But Gloria Macapagal Arroyo herself gives me a ride.
I'm sitting beside her on the back of the Presidential Limousine and she talks about her family. I ask her, "Do they always support your crazy schemes?"
Pretty soon I start feeling guilty. I know why she's giving me a ride. She knows I want to be president. She knows I wish her dead.
I draw a breath and concentrate on small talk.
"Doesn't it feel like summer?"
She doesn't only drop me off at UP. She walks me to class. It's such a hassle, walking beside this small tiresome woman, who won't leave me alone. We meet Butch Dalisay on the way to my class room and I feel obliged to make the introductions.
Soon afterwards, Gloria leaves me alone and as much as I hate her, I wish I arranged for her to lend me her car so I could have a safe ride home.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Lost in a Beautiful Hotel
It's a beautiful hotel. The place isn't lighted by artificial lights but by real sunlight and I around to try to find its source.
Teejay is carrying a drink that looks like Scotch and he's trying to find somewhere we can sit so he can enjoy his drink but I'm getting tired of walking. I ask, "Why don't we just sit in your room as I still can't find mine?"
He gives me a little smile like I had just propositioned him.
"Oh please, Teejay! It's not what you think!" but I myself am flustered and he's still wearing that smile.
I've been waiting for this moment to be able to talk to him but for some reason I can't bring myself to say what I really want to say. So we keep walking.
We reach the outside of the hotel where the light is even more dazzling. The swimming pool is as big as an ocean. There are gigantic slides as tall as skyscrapers. And an ferris wheel in the middle of the water. The whole place smells like cotton candy and barbeque - like a school fair.
I stumble and try to keep up with Teejay who's walking too fast. "Teej, wait! Teej, please, I can't walk fast enough. Antonio!" But he keeps walking and soon he's out of sight.
I hate myself for letting my opportunity pass.
It's quiet inside the elevator and I sadly try to decipher what room number is written on my key. Nothing is going according to plan. What am I even doing in this hotel? Where am I? "Tomorrow," I resolve, "Tomorrow I will find him and tell him."
The elevator shakes and parts of it fall apart and I dodge the screws, bolts and nails that rain on me. The doors open to a floor of a different hotel. "Oh, no," I think, "not again."
I will never find him.
Teejay is carrying a drink that looks like Scotch and he's trying to find somewhere we can sit so he can enjoy his drink but I'm getting tired of walking. I ask, "Why don't we just sit in your room as I still can't find mine?"
He gives me a little smile like I had just propositioned him.
"Oh please, Teejay! It's not what you think!" but I myself am flustered and he's still wearing that smile.
I've been waiting for this moment to be able to talk to him but for some reason I can't bring myself to say what I really want to say. So we keep walking.
We reach the outside of the hotel where the light is even more dazzling. The swimming pool is as big as an ocean. There are gigantic slides as tall as skyscrapers. And an ferris wheel in the middle of the water. The whole place smells like cotton candy and barbeque - like a school fair.
I stumble and try to keep up with Teejay who's walking too fast. "Teej, wait! Teej, please, I can't walk fast enough. Antonio!" But he keeps walking and soon he's out of sight.
I hate myself for letting my opportunity pass.
It's quiet inside the elevator and I sadly try to decipher what room number is written on my key. Nothing is going according to plan. What am I even doing in this hotel? Where am I? "Tomorrow," I resolve, "Tomorrow I will find him and tell him."
The elevator shakes and parts of it fall apart and I dodge the screws, bolts and nails that rain on me. The doors open to a floor of a different hotel. "Oh, no," I think, "not again."
I will never find him.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Carinderia, Ball Room, Gym
Mama left me to myself to wander through divisoria. I protest, "Mama, hold my hand! I feel like getting lost!" But she has disappeared.
So I look around. I consider buying a beautiful pair of shoes but more and more things for sale keep catching my eye and I walk on and on. In the middle of the chaotic market, like an oasis, is a Marc Jacobs outlet. I gasp. I go to it and it even smells like America! I'm so excited that I riffle through the clothes but I'm so dissapointed that there's not a single clothing article that I like.
Finding my way out, I see Daddy and Mama eating at a small carinderia. I join them and look so desolate because the place is so tiny and hot and fly infested. Mama asks me, "Why don't you eat something? Too good for this now, Miss Priss? What happened to my daughter who would eat anything anywhere?"
"Oh, I dunno Ma. She died. This isn't her anymore."
***
I'm at a party in one of Discovery Hotel's ball rooms. I'm wearing a pink silk puffy gown that makes me look like Cinderella. In the other ball room next to the one I'm at is another party that's just breaking up. I see Jackie Arellano and we compare notes about our respective parties. Most of what she's saying gets drowned out by the noise around us. But something she says hits me hard and clear, "Teejay was asking about you."
I pause and remind myself to breathe. Breathe, Camille, breathe. Act normal. Say something. "Really now."
"He says you went to each other's graduation balls. And wrote each other letters."
"Hmm. Yes. Ten years ago, imagine." Breathe, Camille, breathe.
"He's still in the ball room, you know. Down the stairs, through the narrow corridor, right turn, left turn, straight ahead. So are you going?"
"I don't know. Maybe later. Maybe not."
"Alright. Nice talking to you again." Beso, beso.
As soon as Jackie's out of sight, I turn and run. Down the stairs, through the narrow corridor, right turn, left turn, straight ahead. My pink gown gets torn, my hair comes undone. I try to compose my speech to him. "Teejay, I'm so sorry. I didn't know! I only found out last Saturday through Arcy of all people! For ten years nobody told me. You should've told me! If I had only known then things would've been different! Because it's only now that I realize... I realize... things. So until you tell me it's okay, until you tell me you've forgiven me, until you explain to me what you were thinking, until you lift this curse, I will keep hurting those I love and I will never, never find peace."
And I enter the room and I realize that I've been tricked. This isn't a ball room. It's a mausoleum and I'm trapped and it's getting harder and harder to take in some air and I realize that it's only a matter of time before I die.
***
This is the sossy-iest gym I've ever been to. It looks like a palace. Moe asks me, "Why are you wearing those ridiculous green jogging pants?" I laugh.
"Surely, they're not that ridiculous? Oh, come on, after all it's just a PE uniform! You're way too harsh!"
As soon as I say that I turn cold and realize I'm back in college. True enough, I see April, Estee, and Kathleen all wearing ridiculous looking green jogging pants and ugly PE shirts.
They don't know what's happened. That we're back in time. That I've seen the future, their future, everyone's future!
"Come, Cami, have Moe take a picture of us!"
The four of us smile, like before, like nothing has happened, like we will forever be the four cutest, perkiest girls ever, who hate badminton but will play gracefully anyway, who are heartbroken but will smile, who can have any boy we want except the ones we truly love.
After the pictorial, we pair up to play badminton, and I end up with April exactly like I should. But she plays differently this time or is it me playing differently? I can't seem to focus on the shuttle cock. It isn't a shuttle cock! It's a bullet! And before I find the sense to dodge it, it hits me in the heart and I fall on the floor.
The palace is just a regular gym now. Everyone else is gone and I'm still wearing my ridiculous green jogging pants and although I don't feel any pain, I feel very, very tired.
Moe comes to me, craddles me and doesn't let me go until I die.
So I look around. I consider buying a beautiful pair of shoes but more and more things for sale keep catching my eye and I walk on and on. In the middle of the chaotic market, like an oasis, is a Marc Jacobs outlet. I gasp. I go to it and it even smells like America! I'm so excited that I riffle through the clothes but I'm so dissapointed that there's not a single clothing article that I like.
Finding my way out, I see Daddy and Mama eating at a small carinderia. I join them and look so desolate because the place is so tiny and hot and fly infested. Mama asks me, "Why don't you eat something? Too good for this now, Miss Priss? What happened to my daughter who would eat anything anywhere?"
"Oh, I dunno Ma. She died. This isn't her anymore."
***
I'm at a party in one of Discovery Hotel's ball rooms. I'm wearing a pink silk puffy gown that makes me look like Cinderella. In the other ball room next to the one I'm at is another party that's just breaking up. I see Jackie Arellano and we compare notes about our respective parties. Most of what she's saying gets drowned out by the noise around us. But something she says hits me hard and clear, "Teejay was asking about you."
I pause and remind myself to breathe. Breathe, Camille, breathe. Act normal. Say something. "Really now."
"He says you went to each other's graduation balls. And wrote each other letters."
"Hmm. Yes. Ten years ago, imagine." Breathe, Camille, breathe.
"He's still in the ball room, you know. Down the stairs, through the narrow corridor, right turn, left turn, straight ahead. So are you going?"
"I don't know. Maybe later. Maybe not."
"Alright. Nice talking to you again." Beso, beso.
As soon as Jackie's out of sight, I turn and run. Down the stairs, through the narrow corridor, right turn, left turn, straight ahead. My pink gown gets torn, my hair comes undone. I try to compose my speech to him. "Teejay, I'm so sorry. I didn't know! I only found out last Saturday through Arcy of all people! For ten years nobody told me. You should've told me! If I had only known then things would've been different! Because it's only now that I realize... I realize... things. So until you tell me it's okay, until you tell me you've forgiven me, until you explain to me what you were thinking, until you lift this curse, I will keep hurting those I love and I will never, never find peace."
And I enter the room and I realize that I've been tricked. This isn't a ball room. It's a mausoleum and I'm trapped and it's getting harder and harder to take in some air and I realize that it's only a matter of time before I die.
***
This is the sossy-iest gym I've ever been to. It looks like a palace. Moe asks me, "Why are you wearing those ridiculous green jogging pants?" I laugh.
"Surely, they're not that ridiculous? Oh, come on, after all it's just a PE uniform! You're way too harsh!"
As soon as I say that I turn cold and realize I'm back in college. True enough, I see April, Estee, and Kathleen all wearing ridiculous looking green jogging pants and ugly PE shirts.
They don't know what's happened. That we're back in time. That I've seen the future, their future, everyone's future!
"Come, Cami, have Moe take a picture of us!"
The four of us smile, like before, like nothing has happened, like we will forever be the four cutest, perkiest girls ever, who hate badminton but will play gracefully anyway, who are heartbroken but will smile, who can have any boy we want except the ones we truly love.
After the pictorial, we pair up to play badminton, and I end up with April exactly like I should. But she plays differently this time or is it me playing differently? I can't seem to focus on the shuttle cock. It isn't a shuttle cock! It's a bullet! And before I find the sense to dodge it, it hits me in the heart and I fall on the floor.
The palace is just a regular gym now. Everyone else is gone and I'm still wearing my ridiculous green jogging pants and although I don't feel any pain, I feel very, very tired.
Moe comes to me, craddles me and doesn't let me go until I die.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Buri, Flash Flood, The Rose People
If there's one person who's more paranoid than I am it has to be Nyanne.
She won't give up giving me the third degree.
"Who came here with my past?"
"Sorry, Annie, but I really don't understand the question!"
"Who came to tell you about me?"
"Well. If you must know... Nobody! Nobody comes here asking for you, okay?"
Talk about stress!
I ask her if I can use the bathroom. I take a long shower. What is the word to describe what I feel? What is that word?
It comes to me. "Buri." The word is "buri." And this makes me smile and shout, "Diega!"
***
There's a flash flood on my way home. The water on the street goes up to my waist. I look around trying to figure out where I am. I dodge abandoned cars that are floating around. I worry about people who must be worrying about me. I wish I had told someone where I was going. What if I get lost? No one will even know I'm missing.
I'm getting tired, dodging cars and walking through the flooded streets. I grab on to what remains of a fence and rest. I look up at the sky and am startled to see how clear and blue it is.
***
The Rose People live in a land that can be reached by drowning yourself in the ocean at the end of the world.
Once you reach their land, your senses will be assaulted by colors that are yet unnamed and smells that don't dissipate.
The Rose People are a peaceful and shy people. They're shinning brown and limbre and love to sing. They get their name from their unusual mating habits:
Everyday, they converge by a stream with water that tastes like roses. This water flows from one end to another and the smell of roses gives the air a heavy intensity. The women stand on one end of the stream, the men on the other and they wait for the water to flow in two directions, from opposite ends to meet in a whirpool in the middle of the stream.
They squeal as soon as this happens and one at a time, scrupulously taking turns, a man from one end and a woman from another end jump into the water and are carried to the center where they disappear into the whirlpool.
Surrounded by nothing but water, holding their breaths, they make love until the woman is impregnated. There are cheers each time a couple emerges.
Sadly, one time a copulation was interrupted. The couple emerged disgruntled and the woman had a baby's hand, no bigger than a thimble, sticking out of her belly.
She won't give up giving me the third degree.
"Who came here with my past?"
"Sorry, Annie, but I really don't understand the question!"
"Who came to tell you about me?"
"Well. If you must know... Nobody! Nobody comes here asking for you, okay?"
Talk about stress!
I ask her if I can use the bathroom. I take a long shower. What is the word to describe what I feel? What is that word?
It comes to me. "Buri." The word is "buri." And this makes me smile and shout, "Diega!"
***
There's a flash flood on my way home. The water on the street goes up to my waist. I look around trying to figure out where I am. I dodge abandoned cars that are floating around. I worry about people who must be worrying about me. I wish I had told someone where I was going. What if I get lost? No one will even know I'm missing.
I'm getting tired, dodging cars and walking through the flooded streets. I grab on to what remains of a fence and rest. I look up at the sky and am startled to see how clear and blue it is.
***
The Rose People live in a land that can be reached by drowning yourself in the ocean at the end of the world.
Once you reach their land, your senses will be assaulted by colors that are yet unnamed and smells that don't dissipate.
The Rose People are a peaceful and shy people. They're shinning brown and limbre and love to sing. They get their name from their unusual mating habits:
Everyday, they converge by a stream with water that tastes like roses. This water flows from one end to another and the smell of roses gives the air a heavy intensity. The women stand on one end of the stream, the men on the other and they wait for the water to flow in two directions, from opposite ends to meet in a whirpool in the middle of the stream.
They squeal as soon as this happens and one at a time, scrupulously taking turns, a man from one end and a woman from another end jump into the water and are carried to the center where they disappear into the whirlpool.
Surrounded by nothing but water, holding their breaths, they make love until the woman is impregnated. There are cheers each time a couple emerges.
Sadly, one time a copulation was interrupted. The couple emerged disgruntled and the woman had a baby's hand, no bigger than a thimble, sticking out of her belly.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Magic in the Air
"Which city would you like to visit, Camille?"
"New York."
"Why?"
"I didn't know I had to explain."
"Okay. Fine. You leave as soon as you finish packing."
I know I only lived in New York for a year and that was way back to even count. But my first memories are New York memories. Daddy carrying me on the subway, his one arm carrying me, his other hand holding on to the rail to steady us. Going with Mama to the grocery in front of our apartment. The Italian ice cream shop below our apartment. The smell of tire tracks on the streets. Learning how to chew bubble gum without swallowing it. Learning to tie my shoelaces. Eating only green M&M's. Getting my finger stuck inside a semi-open can. And finally leaving New York to go on a road trip to Minnesota. New York Memories. I remember, I remember.
It's time to go back. My first stop is the Metropolitan Museum of Art and then the bookstores and then see if that ice cream shop is still there and maybe the owner will still think I'm cute enough to give me a free scoop like he used to.
They say the neon lights are bright on Broadway. They say there's always magic in the air.
I rush to my room and open an empty suitcase. I look inside the closets but nothing's fit to pack. I can't find the clothes I want to bring. I don't even recognize the clothes. The clothes fall to the floor. I pick then up and try to take a good look at them but they slip out of my hands. I glance at the empty suitcase and start to panic. Oh no. Oh no. I know I have that beautiful winter coat I bought in Hong Kong on a whim. Where is that? Where are my jeans? I can't even find my jeans! Shit, please, please, let me pack, please let me go back to New York.
Please. Please. Please.
"New York."
"Why?"
"I didn't know I had to explain."
"Okay. Fine. You leave as soon as you finish packing."
I know I only lived in New York for a year and that was way back to even count. But my first memories are New York memories. Daddy carrying me on the subway, his one arm carrying me, his other hand holding on to the rail to steady us. Going with Mama to the grocery in front of our apartment. The Italian ice cream shop below our apartment. The smell of tire tracks on the streets. Learning how to chew bubble gum without swallowing it. Learning to tie my shoelaces. Eating only green M&M's. Getting my finger stuck inside a semi-open can. And finally leaving New York to go on a road trip to Minnesota. New York Memories. I remember, I remember.
It's time to go back. My first stop is the Metropolitan Museum of Art and then the bookstores and then see if that ice cream shop is still there and maybe the owner will still think I'm cute enough to give me a free scoop like he used to.
They say the neon lights are bright on Broadway. They say there's always magic in the air.
I rush to my room and open an empty suitcase. I look inside the closets but nothing's fit to pack. I can't find the clothes I want to bring. I don't even recognize the clothes. The clothes fall to the floor. I pick then up and try to take a good look at them but they slip out of my hands. I glance at the empty suitcase and start to panic. Oh no. Oh no. I know I have that beautiful winter coat I bought in Hong Kong on a whim. Where is that? Where are my jeans? I can't even find my jeans! Shit, please, please, let me pack, please let me go back to New York.
Please. Please. Please.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Film Noir
"Yuck, Rom, what are you doing here? Shoo fly!"
No, of course, that's not what I say out loud and for a second I wish I could forget my breeding and say something really nasty and act ill-mannered but I say, "Oh, hi," with my voice leveled but icy with suppressed disdain.
Just his presence oppresses me! I have to endure sitting beside him until this racket outside this building dies down.
I see some chairs stacked in the corner of the room and start moving them towards the window so I can escape but each chair I drag to the window drags itself back to the corner and soon I'm exhausted.
When I get home Paolo asks me, "Where'd you come from?"
"Nowhere."
"Where?"
"Nowhere."
"WHERE?"
"NOWHERE!"
He takes out pictures from a manila envelope anonymously mailed to him.
We're in a pre-internet spy movie. Everything is in shadows. Film noir.
He throws the pictures on the floor and I pick them up and see me and Rom in bed. Even the pictures are black and white. It's obviously not me. How can anyone make that mistake?
I throw them back at him.
"You're disgusting! This was set up! It's an insult that you could believe I would sleep with him! I never even touched that asshole! This is a hoax!"
The very idea of me touching that jerk! I'm so angry that I begin to upturn all the furniture in the room. I start with the dinning table then the sofa then all the chairs and coffee tables. I throw the electric fan out the window and pieces of shattered glass fall all over the place.
The last thing I see before I die is the chandelier coming towards me.
No, of course, that's not what I say out loud and for a second I wish I could forget my breeding and say something really nasty and act ill-mannered but I say, "Oh, hi," with my voice leveled but icy with suppressed disdain.
Just his presence oppresses me! I have to endure sitting beside him until this racket outside this building dies down.
I see some chairs stacked in the corner of the room and start moving them towards the window so I can escape but each chair I drag to the window drags itself back to the corner and soon I'm exhausted.
When I get home Paolo asks me, "Where'd you come from?"
"Nowhere."
"Where?"
"Nowhere."
"WHERE?"
"NOWHERE!"
He takes out pictures from a manila envelope anonymously mailed to him.
We're in a pre-internet spy movie. Everything is in shadows. Film noir.
He throws the pictures on the floor and I pick them up and see me and Rom in bed. Even the pictures are black and white. It's obviously not me. How can anyone make that mistake?
I throw them back at him.
"You're disgusting! This was set up! It's an insult that you could believe I would sleep with him! I never even touched that asshole! This is a hoax!"
The very idea of me touching that jerk! I'm so angry that I begin to upturn all the furniture in the room. I start with the dinning table then the sofa then all the chairs and coffee tables. I throw the electric fan out the window and pieces of shattered glass fall all over the place.
The last thing I see before I die is the chandelier coming towards me.
Monday, February 13, 2006
The Weirdest Conversation
I'm stuck in a haunted hotel. I have to find my way out but I can't since the stairs lead you back to the floor you came from and elevators open to floors that have no floors. Everything is a nostalgic shade of sepia and I could almost love that hotel except that it's haunted, it's scary, something evil is after me and I cry. What did I do to deserve this? What did I do? Why am I being punished? Leave me alone! Stop hurting me!
Someone meets me in the hallway and gives me my "mission" that I must accomplish before I am allowed out of the hotel. This mission will lead me to my destiny. I walk and find myself in a library with shelves a hundred feet high filled with all the books I could ever want, ever.
An elf meets me and says, "I am your trainer. You're here to find your destiny. You're here to learn from me."
"Learn what?" I ask and I secretly think, "Please, not a sport."
He reads my mind and giggles, his tiny self convulsing with laughter. He says, "Everything you need to know is written in these books," and his little hand gestures upward, towards the shelves that stretch a hundred feet.
And for some reason, the hauntedness disappears. I am a student again and I feel safe in this gigantic library with my tiny trainer and I've always been an eager pupil and if this elf wants me to learn from all these books then I will.
He says, "Let's start but you must be ready because... it will hurt. You must listen to me always and follow everything I say." His little almond eyes twinkle at me.
And I silently think, "Jesus. Am I to be the next Electric Michaelangelo?" But he reads my mind again and giggles.
I try something. "Can you read my mind?" I say silently, in my mind.
"Yes," he says in his mind.
"I read minds too. I think. Sometimes. I'm good at guessing people's intentions," I say silently, in my mind. This is the weirdest conversation I've had in my life.
"It's a talent of yours which has always creeped you out a bit, hasn't it?"
I hang my head guiltily and also to hide a tear. "It's made me paranoid and crazy."
He giggles out loud and says to me in his head, "It's made you a good teacher and you've never been wrong in Elimidate."
I walk around the shelves and let my fingers graze the spines of the books and I feel a peace descend upon me. How nice to have someone understand me. To know what I'm thinking even before I have thought it. To not think of me as malicious. To take time out to train me. How could this possibly hurt? I could spend a lifetime and learn everything I need to know from my elf trainer and never go back to the world. I could die here.
I pick a book. "I'd like to start with this please --" but when I turn around to hand him the book, he's gone.
Someone meets me in the hallway and gives me my "mission" that I must accomplish before I am allowed out of the hotel. This mission will lead me to my destiny. I walk and find myself in a library with shelves a hundred feet high filled with all the books I could ever want, ever.
An elf meets me and says, "I am your trainer. You're here to find your destiny. You're here to learn from me."
"Learn what?" I ask and I secretly think, "Please, not a sport."
He reads my mind and giggles, his tiny self convulsing with laughter. He says, "Everything you need to know is written in these books," and his little hand gestures upward, towards the shelves that stretch a hundred feet.
And for some reason, the hauntedness disappears. I am a student again and I feel safe in this gigantic library with my tiny trainer and I've always been an eager pupil and if this elf wants me to learn from all these books then I will.
He says, "Let's start but you must be ready because... it will hurt. You must listen to me always and follow everything I say." His little almond eyes twinkle at me.
And I silently think, "Jesus. Am I to be the next Electric Michaelangelo?" But he reads my mind again and giggles.
I try something. "Can you read my mind?" I say silently, in my mind.
"Yes," he says in his mind.
"I read minds too. I think. Sometimes. I'm good at guessing people's intentions," I say silently, in my mind. This is the weirdest conversation I've had in my life.
"It's a talent of yours which has always creeped you out a bit, hasn't it?"
I hang my head guiltily and also to hide a tear. "It's made me paranoid and crazy."
He giggles out loud and says to me in his head, "It's made you a good teacher and you've never been wrong in Elimidate."
I walk around the shelves and let my fingers graze the spines of the books and I feel a peace descend upon me. How nice to have someone understand me. To know what I'm thinking even before I have thought it. To not think of me as malicious. To take time out to train me. How could this possibly hurt? I could spend a lifetime and learn everything I need to know from my elf trainer and never go back to the world. I could die here.
I pick a book. "I'd like to start with this please --" but when I turn around to hand him the book, he's gone.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Despedida
Mrs Pengson (forever the same) and I are meeting regarding the Blue Flame. We're laughing and it's the most pleasant meeting I've ever had with her. I tell her what I want the Blue Flame to be and she agrees! She agrees to everything I say! Ms Abiog walks and in listens and agrees. I think, wow, why can't it be like this all the time?
The bell rings and I realize, fuck, I have class and I look at my schedule and I have 4-S. Everything is how it should be which makes me wonder if everything else that happened was just something I made up. I ask my class, "Um, okay, where are we? What are we supposed to be doing today? Can you check your syllabus?" And this is what it feels like when all the good aspects of my different worlds merge - just soooo unbelievably pleasant. They take out a copy of the syllabus! The one I gave my students at CSB! They check it out and inform me, "Miss, today it's The Components of Art. So I say, "Okay. I'll be right back with your handouts."
I dash back to the cabinet I share with Sunshine and look for those handouts but I can't find them. Time is flying and I keep looking and it's handout after handout of Art Movements, Literary Movements, Modernism and Postmodernism but no The Components of Art.
It's dark soon and I still can't find those stupid handouts. Chukis comes to pick me up. And I can't stand it so I tell her, "You know what? I had this crazy dream that I left you all. I'm glad it's not true."
She says, "Miss, you did leave. Well, at least you told us you would. Today is your last day and we have a surprise for you."
When we get to the room 312, everyone says, "Surprise!" And in the middle or the room is Moe. And I laugh and he laughs and everyone around us is all smiles and Balot says, "Miss, we want you to be happy where you're going."
And that just makes me cry.
Then Moe says, "Come, we'll be late for our shift."
We laugh all the way to Ambergris and I ask him, "Was that despedida a dream?"
***
Hong Kong.
I've overextended a day and only have a few HK dollars left. I join a group who are on their way to watch a play. I realize I don't even have enough money for the bus. I'm a few dollars short. I say to the driver, "Sorry but I don't have enough money!" He shakes his head at me because he's really annoyed but his Chinese guy overhears us and says, "I got it," and he steps up to swipe his Octopus card by the censor. I'm so relieved. "Thanks so much," I say then ask, "how much do I owe you?" He says, "700 dollars but you can pay me back when we get back to the Philippines."
It's a great night and I'm really careful not to spend anymore of the little money I have left.
On the plane, our way back to the Philippines, I disobey the rules and use my cellphone to call Paolo to give him my monetary status, "So, it's like this. I owe this guy 700 dollars which makes it 14k pesos. Could you have the money ready so when I get off this plane I can just hand the guy his money?"
But when we land, the Chinese guy is nowhere to be seen and the 14k pesos feels like it's burning in my hand.
The bell rings and I realize, fuck, I have class and I look at my schedule and I have 4-S. Everything is how it should be which makes me wonder if everything else that happened was just something I made up. I ask my class, "Um, okay, where are we? What are we supposed to be doing today? Can you check your syllabus?" And this is what it feels like when all the good aspects of my different worlds merge - just soooo unbelievably pleasant. They take out a copy of the syllabus! The one I gave my students at CSB! They check it out and inform me, "Miss, today it's The Components of Art. So I say, "Okay. I'll be right back with your handouts."
I dash back to the cabinet I share with Sunshine and look for those handouts but I can't find them. Time is flying and I keep looking and it's handout after handout of Art Movements, Literary Movements, Modernism and Postmodernism but no The Components of Art.
It's dark soon and I still can't find those stupid handouts. Chukis comes to pick me up. And I can't stand it so I tell her, "You know what? I had this crazy dream that I left you all. I'm glad it's not true."
She says, "Miss, you did leave. Well, at least you told us you would. Today is your last day and we have a surprise for you."
When we get to the room 312, everyone says, "Surprise!" And in the middle or the room is Moe. And I laugh and he laughs and everyone around us is all smiles and Balot says, "Miss, we want you to be happy where you're going."
And that just makes me cry.
Then Moe says, "Come, we'll be late for our shift."
We laugh all the way to Ambergris and I ask him, "Was that despedida a dream?"
***
Hong Kong.
I've overextended a day and only have a few HK dollars left. I join a group who are on their way to watch a play. I realize I don't even have enough money for the bus. I'm a few dollars short. I say to the driver, "Sorry but I don't have enough money!" He shakes his head at me because he's really annoyed but his Chinese guy overhears us and says, "I got it," and he steps up to swipe his Octopus card by the censor. I'm so relieved. "Thanks so much," I say then ask, "how much do I owe you?" He says, "700 dollars but you can pay me back when we get back to the Philippines."
It's a great night and I'm really careful not to spend anymore of the little money I have left.
On the plane, our way back to the Philippines, I disobey the rules and use my cellphone to call Paolo to give him my monetary status, "So, it's like this. I owe this guy 700 dollars which makes it 14k pesos. Could you have the money ready so when I get off this plane I can just hand the guy his money?"
But when we land, the Chinese guy is nowhere to be seen and the 14k pesos feels like it's burning in my hand.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Burns
Villa San Girolamo.
Moe and I look down at The English Patient.
He's burned. All black and purple except in some places where he's white - his bones.
I show Moe the cigarette burn on my left arm - the one that's on its way to becoming a nasty scar.
"I guess this is nothing then?"
"You have nothing to worry about, Camille. That's nothing."
Moe and I look down at The English Patient.
He's burned. All black and purple except in some places where he's white - his bones.
I show Moe the cigarette burn on my left arm - the one that's on its way to becoming a nasty scar.
"I guess this is nothing then?"
"You have nothing to worry about, Camille. That's nothing."
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Death Wish
The doctors say I'm dying. I'm in bed and I'm so hot it's like I'm burning.
They ask me, "Do you have a death wish?"
I ask them, "How many can I have?"
They say, "Just one."
Just one? Forget it! I stand up and the world spins and I can't breathe but still I go. It's dark and I see people and there are parties all around me so I try to be as quiet as possible but I have keep walking to find Teejay.
Teejay's here. Back from the States. I know it. I have to find him to tell him... to tell him...
All these people say I can't see him. He's here but I can't see him. He's busy. He has an assistant so maybe I should talk to that guy to schedule an appointment and I start to cry because I don't have much time. My chest hurts, I can't breathe, I start to throw up, I can hardly walk.
By some miracle, he steps out of a room looking like he did when we went to Nyanne's debut. "Teejay, Teejay, Teejay!"
And he gives me that smile.
And I smile back even though I don't have much time. A smile like that needs a smileback.
"Teejay, I want to tell you that..." and he steps forward to swirl me. Beautiful, beautiful Teejay. So many, many things I need to say. I don't know where to start. He keeps swirling me. Around and around until I forget what it is I have to tell him.
They ask me, "Do you have a death wish?"
I ask them, "How many can I have?"
They say, "Just one."
Just one? Forget it! I stand up and the world spins and I can't breathe but still I go. It's dark and I see people and there are parties all around me so I try to be as quiet as possible but I have keep walking to find Teejay.
Teejay's here. Back from the States. I know it. I have to find him to tell him... to tell him...
All these people say I can't see him. He's here but I can't see him. He's busy. He has an assistant so maybe I should talk to that guy to schedule an appointment and I start to cry because I don't have much time. My chest hurts, I can't breathe, I start to throw up, I can hardly walk.
By some miracle, he steps out of a room looking like he did when we went to Nyanne's debut. "Teejay, Teejay, Teejay!"
And he gives me that smile.
And I smile back even though I don't have much time. A smile like that needs a smileback.
"Teejay, I want to tell you that..." and he steps forward to swirl me. Beautiful, beautiful Teejay. So many, many things I need to say. I don't know where to start. He keeps swirling me. Around and around until I forget what it is I have to tell him.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Discovery, Morning Praise, A Girl I Love
A girl I don't know stops me, grabs my arm and demands, "TC, give me a call center grand tour."
"TC? Are you crazy? I don't work in a call center anymore. I can't get you in!"
But when I look towards where she's looking I see that she's right. We're inside Discovery and I see what we used to call "the colony" stretched out in front us - aisles and aisles of people taking in call after call. The sight makes me dizzy.
I protest, "But you've been here before. But I don't work here anymore. But there's security."
She points to my chest, "Use your ID."
"But I surrendered this. But it must be deactivated by now. BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK!"
It doesn't matter what I say. I'm swept along by the forceful tide of this happy, happy girl.
I don't know anybody anymore but this girl, she knows everyone. She knows all the agents by name. The TC's stop their work to talk to her. She's causing a happy commotion! I look at her and I'm so worried that we might get caught and escorted out the building because of the commotion she's causing!
I sit behind a post and hide while keeping an eye on her. WHO IS THIS GIRL?
I see Richard Llims and I wave at him but he doesn't recognize me but this girl approaches him and they talk and I wonder, what's going on?
Jean spots me and we talk for a while and I point to her who I am with, and gee, if I knew her name I'd introduce her but here I am honestly finding the whole thing strange but Jean doesn't find it strange. She says, "I know her. She works here."
And I say, "What do you mean? Who is she?"
But an alarm bell rings and people start heading to the exit. Someone screams, "Fire!"
And I don't know why but I start to cry and I can hardly see but I force myself to look for that girl, that girl responsible for bringing me here and I'm looking for her because I can't explain it but she is a girl I love and I don't want to leave her behind and she seemed so happy and I was scared but a part of me was happy just seeing her laugh and a part of me was so envious because she knew everyone and after one year in Ambergris and I don't have a single friend and I suppose this it it, I'm being punished by having my worse nightmare come true, being killed by a fire but I just won't let the fire get to her and I will not let her die, I just won't because I love her, I love her, I love her.
I find her and grab her and together we exit the building and the alarm bell is a school bell after all and what the fuck, oh no please don't let it be, but it's St Scho, and it's morning praise and I am once again late and there's no getting away from it this time, I'll surely be punished.
The girl and I make our way to the crowd and they all look at us and we get scornful applause because everyone's been waiting for us, waiting for us so they could start the morning praise.
They confront me. "Camille Dela Rosa, who is this you're with?"
It's only now that I look at the girl closely. WHO IS THIS GIRL?
I realize it's me. IT'S ME.
"TC? Are you crazy? I don't work in a call center anymore. I can't get you in!"
But when I look towards where she's looking I see that she's right. We're inside Discovery and I see what we used to call "the colony" stretched out in front us - aisles and aisles of people taking in call after call. The sight makes me dizzy.
I protest, "But you've been here before. But I don't work here anymore. But there's security."
She points to my chest, "Use your ID."
"But I surrendered this. But it must be deactivated by now. BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK!"
It doesn't matter what I say. I'm swept along by the forceful tide of this happy, happy girl.
I don't know anybody anymore but this girl, she knows everyone. She knows all the agents by name. The TC's stop their work to talk to her. She's causing a happy commotion! I look at her and I'm so worried that we might get caught and escorted out the building because of the commotion she's causing!
I sit behind a post and hide while keeping an eye on her. WHO IS THIS GIRL?
I see Richard Llims and I wave at him but he doesn't recognize me but this girl approaches him and they talk and I wonder, what's going on?
Jean spots me and we talk for a while and I point to her who I am with, and gee, if I knew her name I'd introduce her but here I am honestly finding the whole thing strange but Jean doesn't find it strange. She says, "I know her. She works here."
And I say, "What do you mean? Who is she?"
But an alarm bell rings and people start heading to the exit. Someone screams, "Fire!"
And I don't know why but I start to cry and I can hardly see but I force myself to look for that girl, that girl responsible for bringing me here and I'm looking for her because I can't explain it but she is a girl I love and I don't want to leave her behind and she seemed so happy and I was scared but a part of me was happy just seeing her laugh and a part of me was so envious because she knew everyone and after one year in Ambergris and I don't have a single friend and I suppose this it it, I'm being punished by having my worse nightmare come true, being killed by a fire but I just won't let the fire get to her and I will not let her die, I just won't because I love her, I love her, I love her.
I find her and grab her and together we exit the building and the alarm bell is a school bell after all and what the fuck, oh no please don't let it be, but it's St Scho, and it's morning praise and I am once again late and there's no getting away from it this time, I'll surely be punished.
The girl and I make our way to the crowd and they all look at us and we get scornful applause because everyone's been waiting for us, waiting for us so they could start the morning praise.
They confront me. "Camille Dela Rosa, who is this you're with?"
It's only now that I look at the girl closely. WHO IS THIS GIRL?
I realize it's me. IT'S ME.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Sylvia Plath, Sharon Olds, Kath Cruz, Me
The whole creative writing class is dorming. We love it. It's nothing really, just a big room and a door that opens to the back where we wash and hang our clothes. In that big room is me, Abi, La Verne, Kath, Kit. I get the big bed and everyone is so envious.
We have grand plans for our dorm. Parties, better decor, what to do with the ugly back part.
Abi is trash talking her ex boyfriend in the Spiderman costume. Kit and fiddling with her bangs and talking about this and that. Kath is giggling. La Verne is biting her nails.
We compare notes. Non fiction, fiction, poetry, playwriting. I tell them about Noel's crazy antics in poetry. How he turned from metaphysical to confessional without batting an eye. How during Mondays we all get drunk on wine and start to read poetry better. I tell them about Kit's absentmindedness. How she's always liable to say, "What are we doing today? Workshop ba? Gosh, I'm so sabog!"
We can hear the ruckus the boys are making right next door. We love it this way. Girls together and boys on the side.
I'm lying on my big bed feeling mighty comfortable. I look at Kath and say, "Kath, I really miss the way you would lean over to whisper how much you liked my sucky confessional poems!"
Kath laughs and says, "I guess we're both closet confessionals! Sylvia Plath, Sharon Olds, you and me!"
And somehow it feels like we made a deal and to seal the deal we just made we recite from memory:
Sex Without Love
Sharon Olds
How do they do it, the ones who make love
without love? Beautiful as dancers,
gliding over each other like ice-skaters
over the ice, fingers hooked
inside each other's bodies, faces
red as steak, wine, wet as the
children at birth whose mothers are going to
give them away. How do they come to the
come to the come to the God come to the
still waters, and not love
the one who came there with them, light
rising slowly as steam off their joined
skin? These are the true religious,
the purists, the pros, the ones who will not
accept a false Messiah, love the
priest instead of the God. They do not
mistake the lover for their own pleasure,
they are like great runners: they know they are alone
with the road surface, the cold, the wind,
the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio-
vascular health--just factors, like the partner
in the bed, and not the truth, which is the
single body alone in the universe
against its own best time.
We have grand plans for our dorm. Parties, better decor, what to do with the ugly back part.
Abi is trash talking her ex boyfriend in the Spiderman costume. Kit and fiddling with her bangs and talking about this and that. Kath is giggling. La Verne is biting her nails.
We compare notes. Non fiction, fiction, poetry, playwriting. I tell them about Noel's crazy antics in poetry. How he turned from metaphysical to confessional without batting an eye. How during Mondays we all get drunk on wine and start to read poetry better. I tell them about Kit's absentmindedness. How she's always liable to say, "What are we doing today? Workshop ba? Gosh, I'm so sabog!"
We can hear the ruckus the boys are making right next door. We love it this way. Girls together and boys on the side.
I'm lying on my big bed feeling mighty comfortable. I look at Kath and say, "Kath, I really miss the way you would lean over to whisper how much you liked my sucky confessional poems!"
Kath laughs and says, "I guess we're both closet confessionals! Sylvia Plath, Sharon Olds, you and me!"
And somehow it feels like we made a deal and to seal the deal we just made we recite from memory:
Sex Without Love
Sharon Olds
How do they do it, the ones who make love
without love? Beautiful as dancers,
gliding over each other like ice-skaters
over the ice, fingers hooked
inside each other's bodies, faces
red as steak, wine, wet as the
children at birth whose mothers are going to
give them away. How do they come to the
come to the come to the God come to the
still waters, and not love
the one who came there with them, light
rising slowly as steam off their joined
skin? These are the true religious,
the purists, the pros, the ones who will not
accept a false Messiah, love the
priest instead of the God. They do not
mistake the lover for their own pleasure,
they are like great runners: they know they are alone
with the road surface, the cold, the wind,
the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio-
vascular health--just factors, like the partner
in the bed, and not the truth, which is the
single body alone in the universe
against its own best time.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Houses
It's a hot day and it's such a relief to be indoors. I wonder whose house this is. It's pretty. Windows all around, book cases, fluffy pillows, candles. It even smells pretty. Then I see who owns it and when I look at him closely, I know there just can't be any mistake - he must be Pareto Patacsil's twin brother. I never knew he had one but this must be his twin brother because Pareto Patacsil is dead.
"Um, I knew your brother. From class."
"You're Camille."
Then we just look at each other and smile a little and cry a little because we understand.
***
I just can't believe that this house is exactly the way I remember it. Well, not exactly because I've forgotten parts of it, to be honest, but it feels right.
It's been 25 years since I've been to this house in Cottage Grove. See, I even remember the address.
So while Daddy and Mama are resting I show Sockie around. This is where I used to sleep. This is where I used to practice playing my violin. This is where I kept my toys. And as I continue the tour I feel more and more like the house was just waiting, waiting, waiting for me to come back.
I'm so contented that I decide to step out for a while a buy myself a real American street hotdog.
"Um, I knew your brother. From class."
"You're Camille."
Then we just look at each other and smile a little and cry a little because we understand.
***
I just can't believe that this house is exactly the way I remember it. Well, not exactly because I've forgotten parts of it, to be honest, but it feels right.
It's been 25 years since I've been to this house in Cottage Grove. See, I even remember the address.
So while Daddy and Mama are resting I show Sockie around. This is where I used to sleep. This is where I used to practice playing my violin. This is where I kept my toys. And as I continue the tour I feel more and more like the house was just waiting, waiting, waiting for me to come back.
I'm so contented that I decide to step out for a while a buy myself a real American street hotdog.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Looking for a Basketball Court
My task is to find a basketball court. For some reason this fills me with happiness. I walk through this huge sports complex and see all kinds of courts. Tennis courts, volleyball courts, badminton courts. Even squash courts!
Not a singe basketball court.
But it's okay. I keep looking because for some reason I'm filled with happiness and hope.
Not a singe basketball court.
But it's okay. I keep looking because for some reason I'm filled with happiness and hope.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Helen the Mad Scientist
On a secret wing of DLSU, Helen the Mad Scientist in conducting experiments. It's unclear to me what my status is. I mean, it's not a class although Helen treats us like students and it's mostly boys. So I just watch and wait for someone to tell me what to do.
It's fascinating, what she does. She grabs one person by the hair and slices off his scalp. Peels of the skin on his face. Takes his eyes of his sockets as if she were picking up clams from their shells. Then stabs him in the belly.
I wonder about Helen. What she wants to achieve. If this is an experiment, where are her notes? Am I expected to take down notes? Who is this silent man beside her? Is he her assistant?
She finishes off all the people in the room until it's just her and me and the silent man.
I look at her square in the face. "Are you going to kill me too, Helen?"
"No, silly. I killed those I thought would steal my ideas. We can go now."
But the hallway is haunted by the ghosts of those Helen killed. I can hear their cries. I can feel hands pulling my hair. I've never been so afraid. But still we walk on to the elevator.
When we get there it won't work. I start to cry. "It's me! I'm unlucky with elevators! I'm cursed!"
No sooner than those words are out of my mouth, the elevator opens and I step in. It starts to close before Helen and her silent assistant can step inside and briefly I consider leaving them behind. But I catch Helen's threatening red eyes and with a sigh I press "open" to let them in but the elevator continues to close and I have no choice but to grab them both towards the inside.
On the way out of the DLSU campus, everything seems so normal. I make a note to remind Daddy to stay away from the haunted wing.
It's fascinating, what she does. She grabs one person by the hair and slices off his scalp. Peels of the skin on his face. Takes his eyes of his sockets as if she were picking up clams from their shells. Then stabs him in the belly.
I wonder about Helen. What she wants to achieve. If this is an experiment, where are her notes? Am I expected to take down notes? Who is this silent man beside her? Is he her assistant?
She finishes off all the people in the room until it's just her and me and the silent man.
I look at her square in the face. "Are you going to kill me too, Helen?"
"No, silly. I killed those I thought would steal my ideas. We can go now."
But the hallway is haunted by the ghosts of those Helen killed. I can hear their cries. I can feel hands pulling my hair. I've never been so afraid. But still we walk on to the elevator.
When we get there it won't work. I start to cry. "It's me! I'm unlucky with elevators! I'm cursed!"
No sooner than those words are out of my mouth, the elevator opens and I step in. It starts to close before Helen and her silent assistant can step inside and briefly I consider leaving them behind. But I catch Helen's threatening red eyes and with a sigh I press "open" to let them in but the elevator continues to close and I have no choice but to grab them both towards the inside.
On the way out of the DLSU campus, everything seems so normal. I make a note to remind Daddy to stay away from the haunted wing.
Friday, January 27, 2006
David, Stolen Car, Juliet
I ambush David in his office. This hole-in-the-wall place with cobblestone streets and a nearby lake. I park right in front of his building.
To get to this place, I caused 3 accidents, lost control of the car's breaks and ran several red lights.
Contrary to the majority's expectations, he's in a good mood and quite happy to see me. He gives me a tour of his office and introduces me to his co-workers. He has to attend to some things so while waiting I browse through the fashion magazines in the lobby. I'm horrified because I'm in every one.
When I ask him about it he says, "You didn't know? Here's one of you when you got married. It's pretty but you look at little pale."
I start to cry. "Who took these pictures? They had no right! This is my life!"
Now he starts to act more like the David I know. He rolls his eyes at me. Calls me immature. Calls me daft. Calles me naive. Calls me childish. Then he says, "Move on Camille. Such is life. Crying will get you nowhere."
I realize what he says is true. Crying is so pointless. So I thank him for all his trouble and go to the car only to find out that it's been stolen.
***
Juliet, no other than that St Pain secretary who made my life miserable for 5 years by screwing up my schedules, has booked me on a plane to Boracay. "Sorry Miss," she apologizes, "pasensya na pero nakalimutan ko na nag-resign na nga pala kayo." Yeah, whatever, like when was she ever sorry for all her screw-ups.
It's chaos on the plane. I can't find my seat. I lose my bag. People keep asking me what I'm doing there and I have to keep repeating, "Well, see, Juliet screwed up one more time..."
It's so beautiful in Boracay and a part of me forgives Juliet for including me in this company junket but when she starts assigning rooms, she gives me this small, shitty, scary-looking room and I don't even get to choose a room mate.
"Juliet! Ano to? Bakit naman ganito yung kwarto ko? Bakit sakin napunta yung pinaka-panget? Wala man lang akong room mate!"
"Miss, pasensya na pero walang gustong maki-share sa inyo. Wala kang mga kaibigan. Iniwan ka na nilang lahat."
"Leche ka Juliet. Tumahimik ka kung hindi sasampalin kita! Ikaw ang walang kaibigan! Bwisit ka sa buhay ko! Bwisit! Dapat matagal na kitang pina-patay!"
I throw some sand in her face and lock myself up in my shitty room and wonder if what she says is true, that I don't have any friends.
To get to this place, I caused 3 accidents, lost control of the car's breaks and ran several red lights.
Contrary to the majority's expectations, he's in a good mood and quite happy to see me. He gives me a tour of his office and introduces me to his co-workers. He has to attend to some things so while waiting I browse through the fashion magazines in the lobby. I'm horrified because I'm in every one.
When I ask him about it he says, "You didn't know? Here's one of you when you got married. It's pretty but you look at little pale."
I start to cry. "Who took these pictures? They had no right! This is my life!"
Now he starts to act more like the David I know. He rolls his eyes at me. Calls me immature. Calls me daft. Calles me naive. Calls me childish. Then he says, "Move on Camille. Such is life. Crying will get you nowhere."
I realize what he says is true. Crying is so pointless. So I thank him for all his trouble and go to the car only to find out that it's been stolen.
***
Juliet, no other than that St Pain secretary who made my life miserable for 5 years by screwing up my schedules, has booked me on a plane to Boracay. "Sorry Miss," she apologizes, "pasensya na pero nakalimutan ko na nag-resign na nga pala kayo." Yeah, whatever, like when was she ever sorry for all her screw-ups.
It's chaos on the plane. I can't find my seat. I lose my bag. People keep asking me what I'm doing there and I have to keep repeating, "Well, see, Juliet screwed up one more time..."
It's so beautiful in Boracay and a part of me forgives Juliet for including me in this company junket but when she starts assigning rooms, she gives me this small, shitty, scary-looking room and I don't even get to choose a room mate.
"Juliet! Ano to? Bakit naman ganito yung kwarto ko? Bakit sakin napunta yung pinaka-panget? Wala man lang akong room mate!"
"Miss, pasensya na pero walang gustong maki-share sa inyo. Wala kang mga kaibigan. Iniwan ka na nilang lahat."
"Leche ka Juliet. Tumahimik ka kung hindi sasampalin kita! Ikaw ang walang kaibigan! Bwisit ka sa buhay ko! Bwisit! Dapat matagal na kitang pina-patay!"
I throw some sand in her face and lock myself up in my shitty room and wonder if what she says is true, that I don't have any friends.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
The Five Locks
I wake up and wonder where I am. It seems like I'm in an apartment. Outside seems like St Scho grounds. I'm wearing my blue and white cotton pajamas. I walk to the front door that's closed but not very securely and is blocked from the outside by huge plants in huge pots. I try to peek out through the gaps and am spotted by a man sweeping the grounds. He stops like he's scared. I wonder, who knows I'm staying here? I hope nobody thinks I'm intruding! I decide that I might as well address him.
"Good morning!" I call out.
"Good morning miss," he says and moves towards where I am and I retreat into the shadows.
From inside, I instruct him to move the plants away from the door as they are a hazard. He obliges. As he moves them, one by one, it comes to me that I have made myself totally defenseless. One quick look inside and it's only Sockie and Me in this strange dark apartment but Sockie is asleep.
I quickly take a look at the door and start securing it firmly.
There are five locks. I start with the one on top. When I get to the very last one, I feel so much better. The man has just finished moving the plants. And from the gaps in the door I see him give me a sinister smile.
***
I can't believe it's Christmas again. This time it has caught me completely unprepared. I didn't buy anything for anyone. The whole family has gathered not in the Baliuag house but in a strange ultra futuristic white house with lots of stairs. We're given rooms to rest in before the party starts. It's going to be different this time since Diko is dead. (Wait a minute, he died?)
I share a room with Ayie and Kim and it's just like the old times except that we have a room for ourselves and don't have to share with cousins and nephews and nieces. Even the bed is spacious and we don't have to worrry about sleeping in the middle only to wake up at the edge because a dozen other people have squeezed themselves in.
I am so sleepy but we laugh and tell stories like we used to. And it's getting dark and I wonder what's going on because our Christmas parties start right smack at noon.
So the three of us eventually make our way down. We see Tita Eli who seems sad. She disappears into her room. (Diko really must be dead!) Daddy meets us and says, "The party has been cancelled out of respect for your Tita Eli's feelings."
I'm so puzzled and I resolve to talk the matter over with Ayie and Kim. But back in our room I'm overcome with a heavy sleep and never get to ask.
"Good morning!" I call out.
"Good morning miss," he says and moves towards where I am and I retreat into the shadows.
From inside, I instruct him to move the plants away from the door as they are a hazard. He obliges. As he moves them, one by one, it comes to me that I have made myself totally defenseless. One quick look inside and it's only Sockie and Me in this strange dark apartment but Sockie is asleep.
I quickly take a look at the door and start securing it firmly.
There are five locks. I start with the one on top. When I get to the very last one, I feel so much better. The man has just finished moving the plants. And from the gaps in the door I see him give me a sinister smile.
***
I can't believe it's Christmas again. This time it has caught me completely unprepared. I didn't buy anything for anyone. The whole family has gathered not in the Baliuag house but in a strange ultra futuristic white house with lots of stairs. We're given rooms to rest in before the party starts. It's going to be different this time since Diko is dead. (Wait a minute, he died?)
I share a room with Ayie and Kim and it's just like the old times except that we have a room for ourselves and don't have to share with cousins and nephews and nieces. Even the bed is spacious and we don't have to worrry about sleeping in the middle only to wake up at the edge because a dozen other people have squeezed themselves in.
I am so sleepy but we laugh and tell stories like we used to. And it's getting dark and I wonder what's going on because our Christmas parties start right smack at noon.
So the three of us eventually make our way down. We see Tita Eli who seems sad. She disappears into her room. (Diko really must be dead!) Daddy meets us and says, "The party has been cancelled out of respect for your Tita Eli's feelings."
I'm so puzzled and I resolve to talk the matter over with Ayie and Kim. But back in our room I'm overcome with a heavy sleep and never get to ask.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Disappearing Train Station
"Next stop Wan Chai station. Doors open on the left."
I get off. I only have enough money for the ride back but I'm excited to take lots of pictures.
I take pictures of the well, the shrine, the Chinese vendors. It bothers me that this doesn't seem like Wan Chai at all! I could be anywhere!
True enough, I can't find the train station anymore. It has disappeared! I nervously hold my octupus card and start asking people, "Which way to the train station? Which way back to Lan Tau?"
But no one answers me.
***
I get a package from Teejay and a etter saying he's back for a visit. The letter says, "This package is just an excuse to see you so I hope you figure it out soon."
I open it and inside are scrolled up letters written in an English I don't understand. I unscroll one letter after another and don't understand one single thing.
I get off. I only have enough money for the ride back but I'm excited to take lots of pictures.
I take pictures of the well, the shrine, the Chinese vendors. It bothers me that this doesn't seem like Wan Chai at all! I could be anywhere!
True enough, I can't find the train station anymore. It has disappeared! I nervously hold my octupus card and start asking people, "Which way to the train station? Which way back to Lan Tau?"
But no one answers me.
***
I get a package from Teejay and a etter saying he's back for a visit. The letter says, "This package is just an excuse to see you so I hope you figure it out soon."
I open it and inside are scrolled up letters written in an English I don't understand. I unscroll one letter after another and don't understand one single thing.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Empty Gun
I was doing groceries. The supermarket was the venue for a terrorist attack. They took me as a hostage and pointed a gun in my head. There were eight others. We were held captive until we managed to escape.
The next day, it was all over the papers.
Everyone asked me. "Were you afraid?"
"No," I said, "The gun was empty."
"How do you know"
"I just do. It was empty."
The next day, it was all over the papers.
Everyone asked me. "Were you afraid?"
"No," I said, "The gun was empty."
"How do you know"
"I just do. It was empty."
Friday, January 20, 2006
Dead Man in Green
Dead bodies everywhere.
This one man, he wasn't dead yet so I gave him a ride. He was wearing green. But he died and I threw him out. One more dead body among the many dead bodies along the streets.
Then I'm sleeping in my room and I feel something on the floor. When I look down it's the man in green. He's grinning at me. A grinning dead body that's not quite dead.
I scream.
This one man, he wasn't dead yet so I gave him a ride. He was wearing green. But he died and I threw him out. One more dead body among the many dead bodies along the streets.
Then I'm sleeping in my room and I feel something on the floor. When I look down it's the man in green. He's grinning at me. A grinning dead body that's not quite dead.
I scream.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Forest Chasing Waves
Forest loves the beach just as much as I do.
I don't remember how we got here. People must be worried about us.
I don't remember packing my orange bathing suit. But here I am wearing it.
I'll call home later. Meanwhile, I will just sit here on the beautiful white sand and watch Forest chase waves.
I don't remember how we got here. People must be worried about us.
I don't remember packing my orange bathing suit. But here I am wearing it.
I'll call home later. Meanwhile, I will just sit here on the beautiful white sand and watch Forest chase waves.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Ruffled Blouses in a Pretend World
It's the last day of school. I'm having trouble telling my batchmates from my students. This is what uniforms do -- we're all of a sudden all the same.
And we all have subtle ways of rebelling against conformity. Some girls let fall one jumper strap. Some girls lower the waist of their skirts to get that hip-hop look. I let down my hem so that my skirt almost touches my socks. Under my skirt's hem, written in steady print letters, 3 inches high, in white correction pen, is my first declaration of teenage love: "I Love Teejay."
At the same time we're careful to stay the same. Our blouse ruffles must be fluffed up. Otherwise they would look like pleats and only girls from St Scho Marikina have pleats instead of ruffles on their blouses.
Everyone's just hanging out. Under the Acacia, the field, the canteen, the corridors. I go here and there. Then it hits me. I'm bored. There's nothing for me here anymore. I feel so disappointed and let down.
A little sadly, I make my way to Gate 1 and wonder why I even still fit into my uniform. I love it but after high school no one should be required to wear a uniform.
The pretend world should end when high school ends.
And we all have subtle ways of rebelling against conformity. Some girls let fall one jumper strap. Some girls lower the waist of their skirts to get that hip-hop look. I let down my hem so that my skirt almost touches my socks. Under my skirt's hem, written in steady print letters, 3 inches high, in white correction pen, is my first declaration of teenage love: "I Love Teejay."
At the same time we're careful to stay the same. Our blouse ruffles must be fluffed up. Otherwise they would look like pleats and only girls from St Scho Marikina have pleats instead of ruffles on their blouses.
Everyone's just hanging out. Under the Acacia, the field, the canteen, the corridors. I go here and there. Then it hits me. I'm bored. There's nothing for me here anymore. I feel so disappointed and let down.
A little sadly, I make my way to Gate 1 and wonder why I even still fit into my uniform. I love it but after high school no one should be required to wear a uniform.
The pretend world should end when high school ends.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
My Name is Camille
It is a city without a name. The streets, the people, the buildings, the colors are all without a name.
My name is Camille. I harbor my name like a secret and walk around the city guilty and cursed.
It's wrong to even call it a city because "city" is a name. And since it isn't named, it's forgotten. A Forgotten City.
It's wrong to even think about it in words. Since words are just names.
And there's no such thing as Time.
Since there isn't Time, there isn't Distance.
There's Nothing. But even Nothing is a name. And wrong.
Still it's a beautiful city.
And I continue to walk around, thinking of names that are all wrong.
My name is Camille. I harbor my name like a secret and walk around the city guilty and cursed.
It's wrong to even call it a city because "city" is a name. And since it isn't named, it's forgotten. A Forgotten City.
It's wrong to even think about it in words. Since words are just names.
And there's no such thing as Time.
Since there isn't Time, there isn't Distance.
There's Nothing. But even Nothing is a name. And wrong.
Still it's a beautiful city.
And I continue to walk around, thinking of names that are all wrong.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Stuff
"Bok! You're driving too fast!"
TL is shotgun. I'm at the back. Bok is driving and driving too fast.
To our left, the mountain full of rubble. To our right, a pit. The car is like the devil, zigzagging around the zigzag road.
The windows are closed but everyone's hair is flying. Mine is whipping behind me like the wings they say they look like. My hair is beating on my back and shoulders like a distressed conscience. Flap, flap, flap, says my hair.
I should be scared but it's funny. It's funny because Bok is laughing and for all his crazy driving, he's never been in an accident if you don't count that dog he killed a long time ago.
Bok says, "Okay, everyone, we're coming to a stop. Hold on to the Stuff."
What Stuff?
The car's full of it. Packages, boxes, containers of Stuff.
The car stops, at the edge of the cliff. We jerk forward. Me, TL, Bok and the Stuff.
We grab what we can.
Nothing falls off. We look wide-eyed at each other. Whew. Then we burst out laughing.
This is when I think to ask, "Bok, nasan si Jill?"
***
Oh my God, where did all these people come from? If you think I am cleaning this house, and don't tell me this is my house because look at it, it just isn't, you're so wrong.
Fine, okay, I'll start with this bathroom. Where's Fe? What is she doing by the river? Gathering stones? Well she's lost it and I think I have too! We don't live by the river. See, I told you this isn't my house.
So this room with the adjacent bath is ready. Someone can sleep here. All those rooms I have to clean! Don't even ask me what I'm going to cook for dinner!
I don't know what to do next! It's too hard! I can't!
Who are these people? They're not my guests! This is not my house! I am not cleaning another part of it!
***
Daddy says, "Would you give me a present? I want a radio."
I say, "Uh, okay. What for?"
"I like radios."
"Uh, sure. I'm going to find you the perfect radio."
"You're such a good daughter."
Daddy has never asked me for anything. Anything! This request is making me nervous. I will have to talk to Mama about it.
TL is shotgun. I'm at the back. Bok is driving and driving too fast.
To our left, the mountain full of rubble. To our right, a pit. The car is like the devil, zigzagging around the zigzag road.
The windows are closed but everyone's hair is flying. Mine is whipping behind me like the wings they say they look like. My hair is beating on my back and shoulders like a distressed conscience. Flap, flap, flap, says my hair.
I should be scared but it's funny. It's funny because Bok is laughing and for all his crazy driving, he's never been in an accident if you don't count that dog he killed a long time ago.
Bok says, "Okay, everyone, we're coming to a stop. Hold on to the Stuff."
What Stuff?
The car's full of it. Packages, boxes, containers of Stuff.
The car stops, at the edge of the cliff. We jerk forward. Me, TL, Bok and the Stuff.
We grab what we can.
Nothing falls off. We look wide-eyed at each other. Whew. Then we burst out laughing.
This is when I think to ask, "Bok, nasan si Jill?"
***
Oh my God, where did all these people come from? If you think I am cleaning this house, and don't tell me this is my house because look at it, it just isn't, you're so wrong.
Fine, okay, I'll start with this bathroom. Where's Fe? What is she doing by the river? Gathering stones? Well she's lost it and I think I have too! We don't live by the river. See, I told you this isn't my house.
So this room with the adjacent bath is ready. Someone can sleep here. All those rooms I have to clean! Don't even ask me what I'm going to cook for dinner!
I don't know what to do next! It's too hard! I can't!
Who are these people? They're not my guests! This is not my house! I am not cleaning another part of it!
***
Daddy says, "Would you give me a present? I want a radio."
I say, "Uh, okay. What for?"
"I like radios."
"Uh, sure. I'm going to find you the perfect radio."
"You're such a good daughter."
Daddy has never asked me for anything. Anything! This request is making me nervous. I will have to talk to Mama about it.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Surprise Party
I used to love surprise parties. In high school, I used to live to plan them. So it's really no surprise when Moe asks me to help him plan a surprise party for Tina.
But as we're smoothing out the details by the entrance of some auditorium, Tina arrives with her date. And Moe and I are the ones surprised. See, this what I mean, I've lost my touch. Back in high school, I would've known to keep myself invisible.
So Moe and I look at each other like, "Yikes!"
And Tina is like, "What are you doing here? What a nice surprise."
So I give Moe a panicked look that says, "Ikaw ang mag-handle nito." Then I flee to smoke.
Across the street, Sayid is smoking and I play with his German Shepherd and the thought of the surprise party I promised to help organize is vanished from my mind. He says to me in his Iraqi accent, "You're really good with dogs."
"I love dogs. I have a dog. But he's small and silly."
At this point Johnny Depp joins us. He looks dapper. I'm distracted silly, what with these two crushes of mine wanting to smoke with me! And I'm thinking, "Paolo will be so envious! Imagine me smoking with Johnny Depp -- his idol!"
So we have bread and butter small talk which I am so good at but when I tilt my head to give Johnny Depp a meaningful smile the auditorium comes into sight and I remember that party. Shit! So I put out my cigarette, mutter a reluctant farewell, and run back.
More like skip back because I'm so happy. Johnny Depp! Sayid Jarrah! Heehee. How lucky can a girl get?
Okay back to business. Where is everybody? I swing open all the doors and look inside the rooms but they're all empty.
Okay, Camille, don't panic. They must be somewhere. This room? Maybe this room. Or this.
There they are.
"Where were you? Where were you? The party's over!" I look around the room and it's filled with semi-floating balloons and discarded gift wrapper and a half-eaten cake. And the only people left are Paolo, Moe and Cla who happens to be wearing a nice gold dress and I make a mental note to ask her about it later. And it also appears that I've interrupted Moe and Paolo having a really meaningful conversation which freaks me out a little and I make another mental note to ask them what it is they were talking about because right now I'm too thrilled to care too much.
"Oh shit! Sorry! Sorry! You will never BELIEVE who I was smoking with!"
"Who? Who? And what's that you're wearing?"
I look at my clothes and see what they mean! Johnny Depp gave me his deep purple jacket! His Willy Wonka jacket!
"I was with Johnny Depp! This is his jacket! From Willy Wonka! Remember? Remember?"
"You were smoking with him?"
"Yes! And Sayid Jarrah! Heeheehee."
I skip around the room. The discarded wrappers make happer crinkly sounds from under my feet. The balloons soar a little higher. It might as well be that the party was for me. I look like a crazy, over-excited celebrant. Paolo, Moe and Cla look at me like I've lost it but I don't care. I even hum myself a birthday song because I feel like I've just been given a big, big present. What a wonderful day. What a wonderful day.
***
Everyone who is anyone who used to work for Ambergris - MCI is requested to get together for a reunion in Makati. We start to spot each other on the streets as we are all on our way to the same building.
"How are you? How are you?"
There's a happy buzz in the air.
I've never been so happy to see everyone.
All the trainers are walking side by side. Jack and I are jokingly assigning each other blame for imaginary and petty issues. Marian and Rylle are getting along. Raymond is playfully attacking Jill with his remote control car. John is flirting with all the girls. Wow, what is it in the air? Why is everybody getting along?
There are more and more of us. What is head count? I used to know. I smile a secret smile knowing I don't have to know these things anymore.
But as we're smoothing out the details by the entrance of some auditorium, Tina arrives with her date. And Moe and I are the ones surprised. See, this what I mean, I've lost my touch. Back in high school, I would've known to keep myself invisible.
So Moe and I look at each other like, "Yikes!"
And Tina is like, "What are you doing here? What a nice surprise."
So I give Moe a panicked look that says, "Ikaw ang mag-handle nito." Then I flee to smoke.
Across the street, Sayid is smoking and I play with his German Shepherd and the thought of the surprise party I promised to help organize is vanished from my mind. He says to me in his Iraqi accent, "You're really good with dogs."
"I love dogs. I have a dog. But he's small and silly."
At this point Johnny Depp joins us. He looks dapper. I'm distracted silly, what with these two crushes of mine wanting to smoke with me! And I'm thinking, "Paolo will be so envious! Imagine me smoking with Johnny Depp -- his idol!"
So we have bread and butter small talk which I am so good at but when I tilt my head to give Johnny Depp a meaningful smile the auditorium comes into sight and I remember that party. Shit! So I put out my cigarette, mutter a reluctant farewell, and run back.
More like skip back because I'm so happy. Johnny Depp! Sayid Jarrah! Heehee. How lucky can a girl get?
Okay back to business. Where is everybody? I swing open all the doors and look inside the rooms but they're all empty.
Okay, Camille, don't panic. They must be somewhere. This room? Maybe this room. Or this.
There they are.
"Where were you? Where were you? The party's over!" I look around the room and it's filled with semi-floating balloons and discarded gift wrapper and a half-eaten cake. And the only people left are Paolo, Moe and Cla who happens to be wearing a nice gold dress and I make a mental note to ask her about it later. And it also appears that I've interrupted Moe and Paolo having a really meaningful conversation which freaks me out a little and I make another mental note to ask them what it is they were talking about because right now I'm too thrilled to care too much.
"Oh shit! Sorry! Sorry! You will never BELIEVE who I was smoking with!"
"Who? Who? And what's that you're wearing?"
I look at my clothes and see what they mean! Johnny Depp gave me his deep purple jacket! His Willy Wonka jacket!
"I was with Johnny Depp! This is his jacket! From Willy Wonka! Remember? Remember?"
"You were smoking with him?"
"Yes! And Sayid Jarrah! Heeheehee."
I skip around the room. The discarded wrappers make happer crinkly sounds from under my feet. The balloons soar a little higher. It might as well be that the party was for me. I look like a crazy, over-excited celebrant. Paolo, Moe and Cla look at me like I've lost it but I don't care. I even hum myself a birthday song because I feel like I've just been given a big, big present. What a wonderful day. What a wonderful day.
***
Everyone who is anyone who used to work for Ambergris - MCI is requested to get together for a reunion in Makati. We start to spot each other on the streets as we are all on our way to the same building.
"How are you? How are you?"
There's a happy buzz in the air.
I've never been so happy to see everyone.
All the trainers are walking side by side. Jack and I are jokingly assigning each other blame for imaginary and petty issues. Marian and Rylle are getting along. Raymond is playfully attacking Jill with his remote control car. John is flirting with all the girls. Wow, what is it in the air? Why is everybody getting along?
There are more and more of us. What is head count? I used to know. I smile a secret smile knowing I don't have to know these things anymore.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Denial
I'm sitting by myself outside the classroom when Riya comes up to me to ask, "Delarose, did you know that Stripes, your Stripes is here, actually here in St Scho, at the gym? Did you know that he's commander of ROTC?"
Of course I knew but I'm not telling anyone. It's best to deny it.
"Riya, that's not him."
She doesn't believe me.
"I promise. But who is this guy? Is he tall and hot?"
"Yeah!"
"It may not be him but let's go check him out."
I only see him from afar but it is him. I would recognize him anywhere. I keep watching him and I'm late for class and who should be there but Moe so I say hello but he ignores me so whatever and let me just roll my eyes for the first time today. I'm bothered that Moe and I have the same Ipod. He's even wearing the same shirt as Paolo is. He doesn't like Ipods and he doesn't wear green.
Dear God! I have a feeling I will be rolling my eyes a lot today.
Of course I knew but I'm not telling anyone. It's best to deny it.
"Riya, that's not him."
She doesn't believe me.
"I promise. But who is this guy? Is he tall and hot?"
"Yeah!"
"It may not be him but let's go check him out."
I only see him from afar but it is him. I would recognize him anywhere. I keep watching him and I'm late for class and who should be there but Moe so I say hello but he ignores me so whatever and let me just roll my eyes for the first time today. I'm bothered that Moe and I have the same Ipod. He's even wearing the same shirt as Paolo is. He doesn't like Ipods and he doesn't wear green.
Dear God! I have a feeling I will be rolling my eyes a lot today.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Safe
They're coming closer and closer.
The night is blue like a bruise. I can hear them screeching. They're coming for Forest. My Baby Forest, lying on his little bed, looking at me with his round eyes.
They will torture him before they kill him and eat him.
I have to do something.
What are you gonna do? Paolo wants to know.
Nothing you want to see. This one is on me.
Come, Forest. Come to Mommy.
I cuddle him one last time. And recite my silly made up rhyme:
I love you like your body is long
and your ears are big
and your eyes are slanty
and your coat is shiny
and you're so fluffy
and you're so small
like a dog should be.
Then I take him to the bathroom and hold him by the neck and drown him in the pail.
And as he's struggling, I consider slicing his throat with a razor.
But he's out soon.
And I cry and cry.
Then I dry him with my towel as they come closer and closer.
When they finally break down the windows and the door, when they finally come for him, my baby looks like he's just sleeping.
I will never be happy again. Ever.
But for the moment, I allow a sigh of relief because even if I will never hear his footsteps follow me around, even if I will never cuddle him again, he's safe from them now.
The night is blue like a bruise. I can hear them screeching. They're coming for Forest. My Baby Forest, lying on his little bed, looking at me with his round eyes.
They will torture him before they kill him and eat him.
I have to do something.
What are you gonna do? Paolo wants to know.
Nothing you want to see. This one is on me.
Come, Forest. Come to Mommy.
I cuddle him one last time. And recite my silly made up rhyme:
I love you like your body is long
and your ears are big
and your eyes are slanty
and your coat is shiny
and you're so fluffy
and you're so small
like a dog should be.
Then I take him to the bathroom and hold him by the neck and drown him in the pail.
And as he's struggling, I consider slicing his throat with a razor.
But he's out soon.
And I cry and cry.
Then I dry him with my towel as they come closer and closer.
When they finally break down the windows and the door, when they finally come for him, my baby looks like he's just sleeping.
I will never be happy again. Ever.
But for the moment, I allow a sigh of relief because even if I will never hear his footsteps follow me around, even if I will never cuddle him again, he's safe from them now.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
College Week
College week. Our colors are fuschia and purple. Who changed our college colors? When I was in college they were blue and yellow (I think). I'm wearing pink so I guess that's fine. I hate to have to attend mass. This is chapel is cool though, small and well-decorated, with an African tribal healer as a priest to boot.
If I'm in college, why is this the St Scho campus?
It's strange that I don't know anybody and they all seem to know each other. It's even stranger how I ended up to be in the committee in charge of putting up this huge banner.
"Look, it's Sockie on the banner! Hahaha!"
"What's so funny?"
"Nothing just my brother on the banner!"
"He's your brother? He doesn't have a younger sister!"
"He doesn't! I'm way older!"
"Liar! He graduated! Why are you still here?"
"I don't know! I don't know!"
If I'm in college, why is this the St Scho campus?
It's strange that I don't know anybody and they all seem to know each other. It's even stranger how I ended up to be in the committee in charge of putting up this huge banner.
"Look, it's Sockie on the banner! Hahaha!"
"What's so funny?"
"Nothing just my brother on the banner!"
"He's your brother? He doesn't have a younger sister!"
"He doesn't! I'm way older!"
"Liar! He graduated! Why are you still here?"
"I don't know! I don't know!"
Friday, January 06, 2006
Getting it Right
Aggie and her ideas! I never thought I would see the day that Aggie and I would once again debate about the nature of love that would lead the English Area to burst into song led by Roseo Caburian. Even Roño is present and happy. Everything else that happened -- Me and Sunsh resigning, Roño getting fired, Amor becoming coordinator -- was just a bad, bad dream.
As for the Shakespearean Festival. I'm so glad to not have to be in charge. This way I can concentrate on my advisory class. With God as my witness I'm going to make them win. Where are they? Who among you are my advisory students? Group hug! Let me see your faces. Let me get to know you. I'm going to get being a teacher right this time.
I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have left. It wasn't the right thing to do. I loved being a teacher. I really did. I just got... tired. I took it out on you. But that last year was my best year! It's just that I didn't see you finish it. I was at my best that year and then Amor happened to me. I'm so sorry. We'll get it right this time. I promise. I promise.
As for the Shakespearean Festival. I'm so glad to not have to be in charge. This way I can concentrate on my advisory class. With God as my witness I'm going to make them win. Where are they? Who among you are my advisory students? Group hug! Let me see your faces. Let me get to know you. I'm going to get being a teacher right this time.
I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have left. It wasn't the right thing to do. I loved being a teacher. I really did. I just got... tired. I took it out on you. But that last year was my best year! It's just that I didn't see you finish it. I was at my best that year and then Amor happened to me. I'm so sorry. We'll get it right this time. I promise. I promise.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Personal Jesus Speech in My Head
Veruca Salt's version of "My Sharona" is playing. I tap my fingers on the conference table, look around and wonder, what the fuck was I called here for?
Other people I recognize: Moe with Rica on his lap and Tina. Would it be terribly, terribly rude to walk away? I know I promised Moe to come but my god what's going on? If only I could leave, if only I could just walk away. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just walk away?
I guess I'll just sit here for a bit . At least they're playing cool music. And maybe now is a good time to rehearse in my head my speech to Moe. I can't wait to tell him what's on my mind:
Look, Moe. I know I promised you. There were people and things I abandoned to accompany you. You should've told me you already had company! You drag me here and there and never explain! I'm getting tired of it! All those times you blamed me! The times you said you were vortex because I wasn't with you when you visited UST! That messed me up! Enough! I can't watch you all the time! Everytime you were brownout I thought it was because it was something I didn't do or because I wasn't with you at some crucial moment. You're so selfish! I'm not your personal jesus! I am my own personal jesus!
***
Hotel.
Who is in charge of the sleeping arrangements in this place?
Lovey, Teejay and David are room mates.
I don't know who I am with. How annoying! I can't be expected to be room mates with strangers!
If only I could find that room with Lovey, Teejay and David. Maybe they'll squeeze me in. Why do the rooms switch around anyway? Is that legal? That can't be legal! How is a girl supposed to find her way around? Like this room over here! That was over there!
What's the name of this hotel anyway?
Other people I recognize: Moe with Rica on his lap and Tina. Would it be terribly, terribly rude to walk away? I know I promised Moe to come but my god what's going on? If only I could leave, if only I could just walk away. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just walk away?
I guess I'll just sit here for a bit . At least they're playing cool music. And maybe now is a good time to rehearse in my head my speech to Moe. I can't wait to tell him what's on my mind:
Look, Moe. I know I promised you. There were people and things I abandoned to accompany you. You should've told me you already had company! You drag me here and there and never explain! I'm getting tired of it! All those times you blamed me! The times you said you were vortex because I wasn't with you when you visited UST! That messed me up! Enough! I can't watch you all the time! Everytime you were brownout I thought it was because it was something I didn't do or because I wasn't with you at some crucial moment. You're so selfish! I'm not your personal jesus! I am my own personal jesus!
***
Hotel.
Who is in charge of the sleeping arrangements in this place?
Lovey, Teejay and David are room mates.
I don't know who I am with. How annoying! I can't be expected to be room mates with strangers!
If only I could find that room with Lovey, Teejay and David. Maybe they'll squeeze me in. Why do the rooms switch around anyway? Is that legal? That can't be legal! How is a girl supposed to find her way around? Like this room over here! That was over there!
What's the name of this hotel anyway?
Monday, January 02, 2006
CIgarettes and a Friend
Princeton.
"Who are you and what are you doing in my bed?"
She says her name is Joanna and she has been Paolo's girlfriend for a year now.
I see, I see. It all makes sense.
Paolo looks really guilty. I'm not mad at him because I knew all along. I knew all along. But I hate him for looking so stupid in front of me and this woman in my bed. I swear I want to beat him up because he looks so stupid and so helpless.
I get my orange backpack and pack. Where I am going I don't know yet.
Guess what I should see in the garage? It's Ed and Fe making out in the car. Wouldn't you know it! It's so funny! I pause for a minute and wonder if I should call Tess but I figure... whatever. Bygones.
It's so difficult to walk out of the house. I grab on to trees and branches and pull myself along. It takes a long time before I make to to the village's gate.
It comes to me where I should be and as soon as it does, I am there. No one else I know is up at this hour.
But this security guard is giving me trouble.
"I'm here to see Moe."
The guard finally takes me to Moe's office that looks like a plush living room and I wait and I realize how wasted I look in my pajamas. I'm not even wearing any shoes. I make up my mind to leave but Moe appears wearing his blue polo and slacks.
"Hey. I just thought I needed some company."
"Oh, Camille."
So him and I just walk out and smoke and try to figure out what to do. It's a beautiful night even if I don't have a bed because I have a few cigarettes and a friend.
"Who are you and what are you doing in my bed?"
She says her name is Joanna and she has been Paolo's girlfriend for a year now.
I see, I see. It all makes sense.
Paolo looks really guilty. I'm not mad at him because I knew all along. I knew all along. But I hate him for looking so stupid in front of me and this woman in my bed. I swear I want to beat him up because he looks so stupid and so helpless.
I get my orange backpack and pack. Where I am going I don't know yet.
Guess what I should see in the garage? It's Ed and Fe making out in the car. Wouldn't you know it! It's so funny! I pause for a minute and wonder if I should call Tess but I figure... whatever. Bygones.
It's so difficult to walk out of the house. I grab on to trees and branches and pull myself along. It takes a long time before I make to to the village's gate.
It comes to me where I should be and as soon as it does, I am there. No one else I know is up at this hour.
But this security guard is giving me trouble.
"I'm here to see Moe."
The guard finally takes me to Moe's office that looks like a plush living room and I wait and I realize how wasted I look in my pajamas. I'm not even wearing any shoes. I make up my mind to leave but Moe appears wearing his blue polo and slacks.
"Hey. I just thought I needed some company."
"Oh, Camille."
So him and I just walk out and smoke and try to figure out what to do. It's a beautiful night even if I don't have a bed because I have a few cigarettes and a friend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)