God Save the Queen

Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.
- The Godfather

"Let's go girls. Strap on your stilletos."

Tl, Nins, Chinx, Jill, Kamil. We are assassins extraordinaire and tonight we have a job.

Inside the LV suitcases are guns of all shapes and sizes, grenades, knives, swords, balisongs. All well and good but where are the clothes? Surely our clothes have to be flashier than our weapons. It's in the rules! How ridiculous to make us go to war dressed like civilians.

God save the Queen Kamil.

"My conquistador, always conquering. Where are the clothes? Why are you tying me up my right hand?"

"So you can assemble this (complex weapon) blindfolded AND with just one hand."

"Surely that's not necessary," says Chinx alarmed.

"Paputukin lang naman nya yan ng papuputukin diba? Kailangan ba talaga yan?" says Jill, ever so smoothly.

"Sige na Kamil, makisakay ka na para makaalis na tayo," says TL the practical.

"Kamil, remember to teach me how to tie that knot," says Nins already thinking a naughty sex thought.

Right. So blindfolded and with one hand tied behind me I assemble this weapon that looks -- voila! -- like an honest to goodness gun. Papuputukin ko lang naman ng papuputukin but will this look good on me?

I look in the mirror. It does look good on me. But... perhaps...

He senses my apprehension. My conquistador. Always conquering. Conquering the world in the name of his queen.

"What is it? What's the problem? Oh Kamil, we don't have time. What is it now?"

I study myself in the mirror. I practice assassin posses. "Oh I love it. But the question is... Does this come in pink?"

No Off Season Picking

Because I am so sleepy I make a wrong turn somewhere and so now we are lost.

On the other hand, it's just Baliwag. How lost can I be? I keep driving. Everyone else in the car is fast asleep.

It's when I turn into private property that I start to get anxious. I mean, I've been going the general direction of the NLEX but now I'm in a place that looks like a monastery. I've never seen so many santol trees in my life. There's a sign that says: NO OFF SEASON PICKING.

Curiouser and curiouser.

Somewhere a gate opens and I drive towards it hoping to get out.

Outside it's not the highway as I expected but a cliff with a view of the ocean. Big, big waves.

We're sooooo lost. I worry about all the people waiting for us to get home.

Every night my dream's the same.
Same old city with a different name.
- Arcade Fire, "Keep the Car Running"

Because I Do Miss Him

He's 23 and no longer a baby and but I still think of him as my baby brother even now as I, The Firstborn, seek him out for help, for support, to implore him to not forsake me to the lonely realm of The Only Child to where I once belonged.

My baby brother. My granted wish taken back too quickly. Born four pounds (but now so fat). Shriveled and yellow. Sickly. Sockie. The Favorite Child. The Boy. The Crybaby. I know now you are happy. You have a new family now. You exchanged your Only Sister for a whole collection of Brothers. In your letters you feel self-assured enough to write to me words of wisdom and comfort. Indeed you have become godlike in your silence. In your farawayness and seclusion.

I arrive at his house which smells sharp like freshly-cut wood and is beautiful. While Sockie is being called, someone gives me a tour. My slippered feet hardly make a sound on the polished-to-a-shine wooden floor. The delicious smell of ginger in the air. Outside sounds from near and far enter faintly -- footsteps on cobblestones, skirts rustling, a fishing net flung to the sea, rain.

The library catches my eye and I want to explore it but my tour guide prods me on. I see hallways. Doors. Windows where concentrated light comes in. Staircases that curve and disappear.

At last. Sockie. The moment he sees me he bursts into tears. He bursts into tears! The nerve! My First Born Thinking Cap is slipped on automatically and I think, "For sure I will be blamed for this. I must control this damage." Out of guilt (for his unknown suffering I am sure I did not cause) and martyred discipline (as if Mama was watching) and because I do miss him. I let out a tiny sigh and hug him to comfort him and ask him, "Sockie, what's the problem now?"

Another Glass

Just 'cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there.
- Radiohead, "There There"

Finally a drink of water. But what's wrong with this water? It doesn't seem to quench thirst. So I down another glass, another glass, another glass. Nothing. Still thirsty as ever. Weird!

Swing

There are more guides than there are of us regular people. At the top of the steep climb is a white house. Old but clean. Falling apart in some places but still pretty. At the backyard is a swing. I look at one of the guides and he understands what I want. He gestures, "Go ahead." So I do. I go ahead but before I can sit myself down properly he gives me a push, "Wait, wait, wait," I scream, "I'm not ready yet!" Too late. I hang on to the chain as I swing high up and around. I see that the mountain we're on is higher than I thought. I see that the ravine plunges down to scary depths. Everywhere below is green. It's so beautiful -- so many kinds of green. The blue sky comes closer to me and I let go of the swing to join it.

New Snow

It's so cozy, this room. The lampshades give off a warm yellow light. The sheets are crisp and smell like soap. I'm getting things in order because Cheng is back and she'll need her old room back.

It's funny, but I seem to remember having moved out of this house. Cheng, Me, everyone else. But here I am again and Cheng is coming back. So, that moving out -- was I dreaming?

Outside it's snowing. Everything is white with new snow.

I put my hand out the window to see how cold it is. Maybe Cheng will need more blankets. But it isn't cold at all.

I smile contentedly.

Sturm and Drang

Under rapid fire.

Neil is asking me question after question. It's been so long since I last sat in one of his classes and I've completely forgotten how much pleasure and pressure one can feel to have him as a teacher.

What movement were the Neo-Classicists reacting against? Romanticism.

Goethe's work The Sorrows of Young Werther is associated with what movement? (Shit.) Sturm and Drang.

Which means? (SHIT.) Storm and... Storm and.. Storm and (jesusfuckingchrist) STRESS.

I look at Kath and she starts to laugh. Stress indeed. My hair has stuck to my forehead. So much nervous perspiration. But Kath is laughing. So that means I'm okay. Kit is in the corner playing the guitar, oblivious to everyone. Abi has wrapped herself in a cocoon of silence (as usual) and is not paying us any attention. I turn to Neil, wondering if he minds his students not paying him any attention but... he's GONE.

The vulnerability of power is that it wishes to be acknowledged.
- J.Neil Garcia
Class, 25 April 2004

Teaching Her the Mundane

You put your arn around her, careful that she doesn't break anything. But tonight it seems she's left her klutz behind. She asks you about everything in the room. Everything is so mysterious to her. Nothing seems normal. "What's this?" she asks and it's only a printer and you laugh and can't say and this hurts her, slightly.

So you sit her on your lap and one by one point out things in the room and their names. She tries to distract you by kissing you and while you kiss her you still carry on the business of teaching her the mundane and when you're done you steer her out of the room, with your arm around her, careful that she doesn't break anything.

Once outside she looks around her and gasps.

"Where are we?" she asks you.

"Makati" you say.

"Impossible. It can't be. It just can't be," she says staring at the vast jungle stretching out ahead of them. Fog circles the treetops. And from far away she can hear a waterfall.

"Stay close to me," you say already steps ahead. She's still standing there with her mouth open.

She comes to you, holds your hand tightly, disbelief still in her face.

Starts Revving

Jesus don't want me for a sunbeam.
- The Vaselines

Something is wrong. I drag my suitcase with wheels behind me. The voice on the speaker calls my flight number and I check my boarding pass to make sure everything is in order. But something is wrong, I feel it.

I check to see if I've forgotten something. Wallet, check. Cell phone, check. Underwear, check. What is it then?

The flight attendants look at me funny when I get to the plane. I look around but can't find a seat. How can that be? There's supposed to be a seat assigned to me, right? The engine starts revving and I realize that I don't belong here in this flight.

I make my way back, dragging my suitcase with wheels behind me. I choke back my tears. I thought I could really leave this time. As soon as I am off the plane it takes off leaving me like an unwanted child.

Right Foot, Left Foot

You walked into the party
Like you were walking into a yatch.
- Carly Simon, "You're so Vain"

She discovers she is alone when she wakes up. The walls come closer to shrink the room. No, no, no, she whimpers. She looks around hoping to be dreaming and cries some more when she realizes that she's not.

***

She walks into the room trying to keep her balance. Right foot, left foot -- it's called walking. Everyone is watching her. She keeps walking. The crowd moves closer to her forming a wall.

***

She experiments. If she stamps hard enough the floor make a two-mile wave. She keeps stamping, trying to see how much pressure she should apply to create a wave that would reach the other side of the world -- a wave that would, by principle, go around and hit her in the back. She keeps trying. She thinks the waves are getting bigger. But no. She realizes with some disbelief that she's shrinking.

She Sees

Nothing on the top but a bucket and a mop
And an illustrated book about birds.
- The Meat Puppets / Nirvana, Plateau

If you would look closely you would see that she's panicking. She's throwing sidelong glances of panic -- on the lookout for her friends. She's biting her lips, trying not to cry.

But of course you don't see her panic because she hides it well. Furthermore, you don't see her panic because you don't see her at all and it takes her a while before she realizes that no one can see her.

She takes advantage of this weird situation and goes past the sign that says "Keep Out" and keeps going up the steps and she only stops when she reaches the top where she sees --

Glass

Trusting my soul to the ice cream assassin.
- Tori Amos

People think I know where I'm going but the truth is I don't. I don't even recognize the clothes that I'm wearing and when they call my name -- Camille -- it's like it's not my name at all.

Nevertheless, things feel familiar. I'm in a building made of glass. When I ride the elevator made of glass I wonder if people from below can see my underwear. The glass is so clear. I can see miles away to what could be... uhm... Antipolo, maybe.

Then I see the bullet come toward me ever so slowly that I have time to make a list in my mind of all the people who would want me dead.

Without a Glitch

We pass several basement levels before we finally find the right one. I don't even know what we are looking for but we keep going lower down.

When we reach the level that we decide is the right one we all do what we're supposed to do as a team. No one is giving us orders -- we just know what to do.

Some doors can only be opened by at least two people -- one person punches a code on one side of the room while another person inserts the access card on the other side. It's really tricky. Someone keeps screwing up but it goes off without a glitch when me and my partner do it. We manage somehow to open these strict doors -- me punching in a code I didn't know in a machine I didn't know I could operate and my partner inserting an access card I didn't know she had. This small achievement makes me happy.

Help Me

I only realize I'm lost when I reach the top of the stairs. It's a hallway and all the doors are closed. When I turn around to retrace my steps I see not one but two set of stairs. I start to panic. I try the first stairwell but it doesn't seem familiar. I try the next one and it's not familiar either.

I feel dread. It paralyzes me and I can't move my legs. And I realize that these stairwells aren't ventilated. "Help me, help me, help me," I say silently to myself. I can't even move my mouth to scream.

In the Car

I feel so inconvenienced when they break it to me that VL and OV are my long lost brothers and now the three of us have to share a house.

But it doesn't take me long to realize that I can use this weird situation to my advantage. Like now, I glance at the driveway and see that the only car available is NOT an automatic so what do I do? I simply storm into their room, plop myself on their bed and decide that between the two of them VL is more tolerable and so it's him I shake to awake. "I need a ride."

And it's funny how he rouses himself up to get dressed. But wait, he's getting too dressed up. And this is when he tells me, "So I'm coming with you right? I'll tag along at the party." Gross.

It's so vile but it's so beneath me to argue so I roll my eyes, storm out of the room and just as I slam the door I shout, "I'll be in the car!"

Your Name

I don't know if I could fly a plane
Well enough to tailspin out your name
Or high enough to lose control completely
Honey, I'm thinking maybe
- Liz Phair, "Shatter"

Chaos is a house party. The party lasts all night and the number of guests just keep increasing exponentially. Mama has been giving me dagger looks the whole night but all the guests keep her busy, make her hold her temper.

Finally, the crack of dawn and the guests disappear.

You, TL and I grab our things and make our way out the door.

TL asks, "Camille, are we talking the car?"

I say, "No. We're just one jeep away. We'll take the jeep."

And then Mama finally asks me, "Who is that you are with?" And I'm surprised that she doesn't sound angry.

"We're off to work!" I say, pretending not to hear her. And I think, where is it that I work again? I can't remember...

She insists, "Who is that?"

"This..." I say, "This is..." And I look at you for help and you give me a wink and I'm so inlove and I suddenly have the courage to tell Mama your name.

Shelf, Space, Sail

It's so lovely to enter this room. I haven't been in here for so long. First it was Lola Candeng's room. Then Auntie Nieves'. Now it's mine. Slowly, and one book at a time, I start to empty the bookshelf. It takes me so long because I read the backcovers and glance at the inside pages. One book at a time. Never finding the book I was tasked to look for -- but somehow I feel that it's okay.

***

The inhabitants of this place act like regular people. They almost look like regular people except that they have teddy bear faces. They're so kind but I feel so confused by their appearance. I want to hug them and place them beside me on my bed except that they're people too. It's weird! I take more time to talk to them, get to know them, prepare myself to negotiate this space.

***

To be solar powered means to be able to fly like Superman. I was recently granted the powers of strength and flight and now this pressure to save the world hangs heavy on me. But I ignore the responsibility. Wearing a tutu, I do flips in the air, stretch my limbs, feel the surge of solar strength. My long, long hair trails behind me like a sail.

Code

It's only a matter of seconds before I figure out the code. It's nothing but a sequence of numbers but it's very sinister. I have a feeling they mean business.

Before they strike, I jump off the bed, bend over and scoop Forest out of his bed, and run.

Mesmerizing

Wild and unwise
I wanna be mesmerizing too
- Liz Phair

The bell rings and I walk to the Speech Room. Nothing I have is for my Speech classes. I check my blue feather and sure enough it's my college schedule that's written and I look around starting to panic and I realize that I don't know anyone anymore and it dawns on me that Sunshine is in America and I'm in the wrong year or something.

And in the wrong clothes. I don't remember putting these on. They're ugly. Ugly, ugly, ugly. And people start to stare as I strip off these ugly clothes until I'm down to my underwear but I don't care. I run down the steps and it surprises me that I'm not ashamed -- it's mesmerizing I feel.

Rene Villanueva's Class

We lay on the bed there.
Kissing just for practice.
- Belle and Sebastian, "Seeing Other People"

Part One

After Rene Villanueva's class, I'm so elated that I fly around the field. I experiment with means of take-off. Running, skipping, piroueting... My favorite is me taking a few steps back, tipping back until I think I am going to fall but the air catches me and I am in flight.

I do this for too long and even when I hear the bell ring I carry on flying. It's too good I can't stop!

I'm late for class and they ask me to fill out an excuse slip. Under "Reason for tardiness" I write "Flying."

Part Two

Time has come for us to act out the plays written in Rene Villanueva's class. J and I are cast in the lead roles.

The play's climax goes something like:

Boy: This is what I have to tell you.
Girl: (Looks tense. Hand goes to table behind her for support.) I thought it was good news? It doesn't look like good news.
Boy: (Pauses. Clears throat.) It was me.

But during practice it comes out like this:

Boy: This is what I have to tell you.
Girl: (Looks tense. Hand goes to table behind her for support.) I thought it was good news? It doesn't look like good news.
Boy: (Takes two giant steps toward Girl and kisses her on the mouth. It's a long, long kiss.) It was me.