Things I Know

I thought you were really retarded! I can't believe you're not retarded!
- Garden State

It's food paradise right outside the gate. Fishballs, the pink slush with sugar on top, green mangoes, santol, hotdogs, cotton candy, kwek-kwek.

It crosses my mind that I will need a digestive enzyme what with all this junk I'm eating non-stop but my tummy feels fine. Great, in fact. I've never felt younger or more unstoppable.

I reach inside my "invisible" skirt pocket for my phone and panic momentarily when I find out my phone isn't in there. And the fact that I'm in uniform makes my blood pressure shoot up.

I realize a miracle has happened to me. I'm back in time. Life should be a breeze now that I know what I know. For instance:

1. My clear zit-less face and "hair of an Ivory model" will not last due to stress, wear and tear. Best flaunt these assets now.

2. TA is an addict.

3. I will NOT get pregnant. Do not stress about contraception -- artificial or otherwise. (Hurrah!)

And I find that my thoughts are slowing down, slowing down.

Is there anything I can do, I wonder, to change who I will become? It's a hard life being me.

He comes up to me. He's also in uniform. It's so funny. Does he know what I know about us? Should I tell him? I wish I could take a picture for posterity, for proof but hey, guess what, people won't carry point-and-shoot digital cameras or phones with built in cameras until ten years from now.

"You look retarded," he says.

"I can't believe you're NOT retarded," I muse.

***

Every night I drink a digestive enzyme to keep my ulcers in check and fantasize about the shoes I can buy when I cash in all the vacation days I didn't get to use. It's hard to be number one. Everybody wants to be me. I want to be me. All I need to induce a panic attack (not to mention untimely split ends) is to look over the rival bay and see agents over there closing sales. Who do I have to fuck for all the sales calls to route to my agents? Surely there must be someone who'd appreciate some head. Maybe Gordon from IT but gosh he's so old.

- Stella Evangelista, Night Shift