Carnap

Ortigas. Overcast. Not a soul in sight. Paolo suddenly points and says, "That man! Si Daddy yun!"

I look at the man and back at Paolo to see if he's joking. The man looks nothing like Paolo's Daddy except for the white tennis outfit that could pass as something Daddy would wear when he could still play.

Paolo is dead serious. "Si Daddy yun, tara."

We follow the man (whom I know is not Daddy) and he leads us to our car (the civic). The man gestures to me, open the door, as if he wants to drive us home. Paolo's so happy.

It is with resignation that I hand the man the car keys.

I know it before it happens: He pulls a gun somewhere from his pristine white outfit and shoots me, and drives away with the car.

Sauna

Yey, I think, Sauna. I think nothing of taking my clothes off. But when I get in, I get the shock of my life. It's a huge, huge pool and it's packed. Everyone -- all my batchmates are in uniform. There are boys too -- some in civilian, some in their high school uniforms. They're all staring at me and I'm stark naked. I wonder why I don't just run. I wade towards where my friends are (at the other end of the pool) and when I finally find a space, I sink in and try to hide. "Stop, you're getting my collar wet," a girl beside me says.

Austria, 1800

I didn't even get to say goodbye, I think sadly. This is what bugs me when I find that I am an Austrian princess circa 1800.

I don't have friends. I have a court. I am never alone. We traipse up and down the palace doing nothing in particular. Part of our job is to look bored. I think that my being Asian should look so odd but when I look at a mirror I see that I'm blonde, blue-eyed and over-all Austrian looking. I start to cry. No one will recognize me now, I think.

Against my better judgment, I come up to some people and ask, "Will you be my friend? Will you be my friend?" But no one wants to be my friend because, well, politics, they explain.

I've been imported, they explain. I will meet my fiance soon.

Fiance, I think. How depressing. Third world made-to-order bride.

I decide to make the most of Austria, 1800. I assume a voice of authority. (This is something I learned from films.) I order tutors. I want to learn Latin, I announce.

People start taking notes.

Latin, I repeat, to make sure they have it. When I am sure I am not going to be contradicted I continue. German, French, Fencing, World History, Cuisine...

I rattle off things I want to learn feeling I have made the most of a depressing situation.

In Disappointment

Class has never gone so well. My students answer when they're supposed to -- but NOT without raising their hands first, their insights are surprisingly deep, etc. I am Top Teacher and I see him at the observer's chair smiling, approving, taking down little notes that no doubt praise my excellent classroom management skills.

But things start to change. Students start coming and going, cell phones ring, answers go wrong. I try to control things and bring them back to the way they were but it's too late. My professor, my crush who is observing, frowns and shakes his head in disappointment.

Angelito

I am excited. I run up the steps in my high and pointy shoes feeling like Carrie who is about to take on New York except that I am just Camille taking on the new teacher.

I am a little flushed and disheveled when I get to the faculty room but if there's anything I learned from Carrie, Meredith and Kate it's this: If you look sexed you'll be sexed. So sexed it is.

The small crowd parts. I see him. He smiles in recognition.

The coordinator gestures, "Camille this is --- " The introduction is unnecessary.

"But I know you!" I say in my best flirty voice. But because it is him and he looks like a good boy and because we go way back I sound like I am joking. So it does not look suspect that our handshake is prolonged and that he pulls me in for a really sexy hug.

Illegal Alien

It was easy enough to get here. Easier than I thought. I feared I would have to go through severe checkpoints where fierce-looking officers demanded for my non-existent visa and searched me for third-world drugs. But here I am like magic.

The mall feels very familiar. I wonder if any mall across the world can make me feel at home but I doubt it as there are certain malls in the Philippines that make me feel lost. Ever for example.

Anyway I like it here in America. I play a game with myself. I look around and try to guess who the Filipinos are but I'm bored within minutes. (Just too many Filipinos, I guess. Not exciting enough.) I consider taking a cab but what if the driver can tell I'm an illegal alien and turn me over to immigration? I fish out my cell phone from my luggage and try to remember how to reach Sunshine.

TNT Forever

I walk around my new house and feel so much at peace. Dressed in my robe, I stroll around my garden which has a fountain and a gate that connects to a chapel where I can hear a choir sing.

Someone asks me, "When are you going home?"

"Never! I will be TNT forever!" And I laugh a bit but I realize that I am telling the truth.

Later on, or more like in a blink of an eye, I am in a big, beautiful mall with Paolo.

"I've been here before," I tell him. And although it doesn't look exactly familiar, it feels familiar and it's enough to make me happy.

Yumi

For Sunshine

I hear about this special flight that stops at San Francisco. I book a seat immediately. When I get there I ask how to get to LA.

"Is LA far from here?"

"Yes. No. Somewhat. It all depends" No one will give me a straight answer.

I'm starting to feel really, really desperate, what being stuck in a foreign city with no change of clothes (would it snow?), and no visa (scary!).

But I do manage to teleport to LA and it's Imo I see first, then Nacho who gives me a hug and says, "Ninang Camiw!" and then I see you all smiles and Asha a little nervous and a little thing bundled up in a stroller whom I presume is Yumi. I peer at her and try to decide who she looks like but my eyes are finding it difficult to focus.

***

If I could do just one near perfect thing I’d be happy
They’d write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes
On second thoughts I’d rather hang about
and be there with my best friend if she wants me
- Belle and Sebastian

T for Trouble

Nothing is familiar except his presence. So I go with him quite willingly.

"T for Trouble," he says, looking at me.

I laugh.

8 o' clock

Reno Dakota there's not an iota of kindness in you
You know you enthrall me and yet you don't call me
It's making me Blue Pantone 292
- The Magnetic Fields

There's a big party in my house but I can't enjoy because I keep running upstairs to wait for his call. My blockmates keep calling me, come down, dance, let's drink to the moon, but I put them off and languish by the phone.

They find me asleep by the phone when the party is over.

"He said 8 o' clock!" I cry into my hands. And then just like that the phone rings.

First a Drop

I will it to happen. The sky turns pink like it is reluctantly bleeding and the air is so still like the earth is holding her breath. It's so still, still. I am still. Rain, I think. And I feel the Laws of Physics shift, move, and the earth creaks in her orbit and the Universe, accustomed and bored with such fickle requests, refuses to concede. But I insist. Rain, I think. Rain, rain. I ask until my prayer is heard and it rains like a miracle. First a drop, then another. And soon water pours over the city, washes the streets, finds its way into the canals, makes its way into the ocean where it retires, rumbles, ripples because it is happy to come home.

Without Warning

A warning sign. You came back to haunt me.
- Coldplay

There she is walking to class. She is so sad and lonely. I want to walk up to her and ask her out for a drink. I want to change her life for her or at least get her out of her ratty clothes. I want to tell her how wonderful it is.

I know what class she's going to and I overtake her to beat her to it. I sit down and watch the door for her arrival. She doesn't know anyone in this class and it's going to be hilarious to watch her face scan the room and look for somewhere bearable to sit.

The door opens and she steps inside and wearily surveys the room. (I am laughing deep down inside.) And there it is, an unexpected ripple of joy on her face, a smile for a boy moving his things to give her a seat. Oh Camille, my beautiful young self, I want to warn you about life. I want you to enjoy today, right now. I want to tell you that this boy thinks you are cute. At least ask him his name.

But of course she doesn't. And the term ends and she goes on with her life completely without warning.

No Surprises

I am doing groceries for Ying's surprise birthday party and I'm having a stark-raving hard time because all the items keep changes aisles.

I make my way to the counter and when I get there, Ying's there with April and I give April a murderous look and she just looks totally spaced out.

No surprises.

Late for Busmath

Why can't we give love, give love, give love?
'Cause love's such an old-fashioned word.
- David Bowie, "Under Pressure"

It's a college campus catastrophe. The last of the bad people have been gunned down. I wait for him in the bathroom like we agreed. He comes for me, like he promised. He doesn't look at me. He sits on the floor, catching his breath. "Water?" I ask helpfully, gesturing at the sink. He just sits there like he's thinking of something very, very important. "Maybe you'd like to take a piss?" and this time I gesture at the toilet. He looks straight at me, pulls me down to the floor and gives me a kiss.

Thoughts spin in my head. What have I done? What does this mean? Why did he do that? Does this count as cheating? Who am I cheating, exactly? I love him. This is lifetime karma. What year is it? I love him. Maybe we could run away and not commit the same mistakes. I love him.

It's my turn to just sit there and catch my breath and if I don't tell him I love him it's because I'm afraid I might be acting old-fashioned.

"Let's go", he says, "I'll be late for Busmath."

It's my turn to pull him to the floor for a kiss that not only makes him late for Busmath but for Comath1, Comstat, and all his very important courses.

Underwater

It's coming over you. It's coming over me.
Crashing like a tidal wave that drags me out to sea.
- Plumb

Jill and I look at each other and don't even have to say anything. I wonder if I'll ever get used to digesting my lunch at 2 am. I wonder how I'll get used to doing anything at 2 am. It's unnatural to be up and about: eating, talking, making major decisions.

I'm so tired I don't even notice our friends have joined us. I nod off to sleep, right there on the table. When I come to I see that there are so many people, people I don't even know. I get a sinking feeling in my heart and call out for Jill.

Shawn comes up to me and says, "Chameleon, you need some sleep."

But even as he is saying it I see him slowly disappear and I try to run and scream but I feel like I am underwater and nothing makes sense.

Things I Know

I thought you were really retarded! I can't believe you're not retarded!
- Garden State

It's food paradise right outside the gate. Fishballs, the pink slush with sugar on top, green mangoes, santol, hotdogs, cotton candy, kwek-kwek.

It crosses my mind that I will need a digestive enzyme what with all this junk I'm eating non-stop but my tummy feels fine. Great, in fact. I've never felt younger or more unstoppable.

I reach inside my "invisible" skirt pocket for my phone and panic momentarily when I find out my phone isn't in there. And the fact that I'm in uniform makes my blood pressure shoot up.

I realize a miracle has happened to me. I'm back in time. Life should be a breeze now that I know what I know. For instance:

1. My clear zit-less face and "hair of an Ivory model" will not last due to stress, wear and tear. Best flaunt these assets now.

2. TA is an addict.

3. I will NOT get pregnant. Do not stress about contraception -- artificial or otherwise. (Hurrah!)

And I find that my thoughts are slowing down, slowing down.

Is there anything I can do, I wonder, to change who I will become? It's a hard life being me.

He comes up to me. He's also in uniform. It's so funny. Does he know what I know about us? Should I tell him? I wish I could take a picture for posterity, for proof but hey, guess what, people won't carry point-and-shoot digital cameras or phones with built in cameras until ten years from now.

"You look retarded," he says.

"I can't believe you're NOT retarded," I muse.

***

Every night I drink a digestive enzyme to keep my ulcers in check and fantasize about the shoes I can buy when I cash in all the vacation days I didn't get to use. It's hard to be number one. Everybody wants to be me. I want to be me. All I need to induce a panic attack (not to mention untimely split ends) is to look over the rival bay and see agents over there closing sales. Who do I have to fuck for all the sales calls to route to my agents? Surely there must be someone who'd appreciate some head. Maybe Gordon from IT but gosh he's so old.

- Stella Evangelista, Night Shift

Play

We're on stage and try as I might, I can't recall my lines. In fact, I don't remember rehearsing. I don't remember how I got my part. I don't remember how I got here on stage. I don't remember being an actor at all. I'm so disappointed in myself. How did I let something like this slip me by? How can I not have memorized a bunch of lines?

The extra beside me hands me a script. I'm so relieved but as I stare at it closely, I realize I can't read the words.

"I can't read it," I tell him.

He scoffs. He hates me, I can tell.

The lights go on, the curtain goes up and there's so much applause for me. Everyone's looking at me. The spotlight is on me.

There's so much panic deep down in my heart.

Grade 5

He's not as embarrassingly strange-looking as I remember. I reach for my phone already composing a message to send to my friends: "You will NEVER guess who I encountered today." But I remember that cell phones are forbidden in the room.

He's my teacher. I'm in Grade 5. The desk/chair feels really tiny but I feel good about being back in school. Maybe later I can clear up what level I really am supposed to be in. It's a full class. Everyone is in uniform. Everyone is busy scribbling. When he asks me why I am not busy I say, "I'm done." This startles everyone and they all look at me. I scan the room. All these girls are me. Me, me,me.

SEAL

Dedicated to all my teachers who made me suffer through SEAL. You scarred me for life.

Here I am again. Dressed in my PE uniform: white shirt, blue jogging pants, name tag, class number. Amazing Race got their concept from this traumatic excursion imposed on all seniors before we graduate. The most traumatic thing of all is the fact that we are NOT allowed to take a bath and there is BARELY a bathroom. This is more horrifying than starting a fire with two sticks, forgetting how to tie a double half stitch, formation marches, doing sit ups, having your tent collapse on you in the middle of the night.

Here I am again. But this time I know better. I break rank. (Screw my team leader!) I run to a building and find a bathroom but it's so dirty and smelly. I take the stairs and run to the bathroom on the next level. Still dirty. I try all the bathrooms as on each of the lower levels. When I can't go any lower and when I remember that I have a fear of basements, I see a bathroom that looks promising from afar. When I get inside I see horses being slaughtered.

Here I am again. I am being punished for missing in action. To make amends I have to do a hundred pumps. And as soon as I am done with my last pump, I get up and run to another building and get inside a bathroom and take my bath. I stand under the shower and start to cry with relief.

***

(When I got back from SEAL 1995, Mama came to school to pick me up. I walked right up to her. She stared at me for what seemed like forever before she gave a little start and finally recognized her daughter underneath the bruises, mire and tears.)

Time Cards

He thinks I should be made useful so he gives me a bunch of time cards completely assuming I know what to do with them. And I take them figuring I will learn on the job. Upon closer inspection, I see that the time cards of different companies have been mixed up. I see Paolo's time card. His girlfriend's time card. Sunshine's time card. (And she's all the way in the States!) It's chaos in my hands.

Ssshhh, I look up at my team who are on break and who are so noisy. I try to think what I should do with the most chaotic mix of time cards.