Incredible Scorn

He’s been lecturing me for quite some time now. I try to be empathetic, to listen with my heart, to unleash my inner Oprah but I have no clue as to what he’s talking about. He’s tall and bald and so, so hot. Just look at his butt!

Oh I swear, when he came towards me, I undressed him (in my mind) and by the time he said his first angry word, I consummated the relationship (in my mind). Still I am stunned when he asks, “What kind of girlfriend are you?”

“What? I mean, pardon? Say that again please?” I come to.

“You are an awful girlfriend.” Oh dear. A scene.

Quickly I scan my mental files. Quickly I scan the area around us -- no one must overhear this demented conversation. This man claims to be my boyfriend! How can I have forgotten him? I am getting old. I forget boyfriends (present ones at that!) as easily as I forget the dates. I’m too embarrassed by my lapse and though I don’t remember his name and can swear I’ve never met him in my life, I try to pacify him, to be polite. Surely good manners will see me through.

He continues, still dignified, but this time holding back tears. “You promised to come with me. I went with you wherever you took me. It’s all about you. You’re so selfish but I still love you. Please come back.”

I don’t understand it but I am crying as well. I’m so moved! This man still loves me! If I could just remember his name!

He turns around and leaves and I stand (I’ve been sitting on the pavement) and scamper along. “Wait, wait! I’m sorry! Please, don’t be like that. Wait! You! I still love you too!” Now, what the fuck is his name?

I lose him. It’s a big crowd – the auditorium is full. The concert has ended and Sunshine and Seo have come to take me home.

“God, “ I begin. “God! I feel awful! My boyfriend’s name completely slipped my mind! Talk about awkward! Poor guy! Oh well. Oh well, have you seen my husband?”

“You’re married?!?” they exclaim together, on their faces a look of incredible scorn.