You're surprised at how good it feels to be back. Outside the glass walls you can see that it's night. Inside there's a particular energy level that will reach its peak at around 2 am. You can't hear people approach you -- the carpet silences footsteps -- but you can see all around you because of the glass. There is a distinct hum of voices and keys. A vibration, if you like - a vibe, a hum punctuated by steady clicking and tapping of all those keys.
You are back but don't know what to do so you linger and move papers around. Petiks. You don't want to appear lazy or useless at your first night back at The Colony.
You don't recognize anyone but that's okay. It's early yet. Your team comes in later. And when you see Camille-wannabes wearing clothes that remind you of your own, you kind of laugh and change attire. You are able to change just like that. You change into short shorts (why not?) layers of tops and a coat. Let's see them copy this.
You see Ari and you remember why you liked him. He was so smart and talked to you about economics and gold and investments. "I liked a girl in college who looked exactly like you," he said. "Are you sure that wasn't me?" you said back. Now you ask him, "Ari, could you walk with me to the other side? I don't want to walk alone. This person I am avoiding will be easier to avoid if it appears we are talking about something important. You know, bisi-bisihan." He laughs. Ari, the economist.
When your team comes in you realize you don't recognize them and when they ask you for help you realize you don't know what to do. You don't know your passwords, you don't know The Systems, you don't know anything.
But it's okay. It's okay because... because... you've gotten through this before. You're happy. You have a feeling it will work. Yes.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
Doors
There are things known and there are things unknown and in between are the doors.
- Jim Morrison
Chapter 1
We get along so well, she and I. I don't realize even realize that she's killing me until she pushes me down the floor of the car, and puts a pillow on top of my face until I suffocate. Her smile, so much like mine, is the last thing I see.
Chapter 2
A group of us are at a dock, waiting for someone to tell us what to do. I note sadly that we're all dead. I see June Pangan and we exchange stories on how we died. Here, in this place, the question "How did you die?" is a perfect conversation starter.
There must be a way out, since there's a way in. That's only logical, right? I concentrate all my efforts on thinking of that way out. They say there are doors and more doors that I must go through.
I can simply retrace my steps, right? Try to remember how I got here? But I can't remember. Her smile, so much like mine, is the only thing I remember.
Chapter 3
Twilight. Still bright enough to see my way but dark enough to be concealed. I fly over fences, over houses. I am escaping, going back. The mountains are beautiful. The ravines are scary. Everything is so quiet. Until a pack of wild dogs sniff at the air, see me flying above them, and start to bark.
Shit.
Chapter 4
I keep flying. This time I'm flying over a castle. The doors conceal the parties inside but I hear the laughter and the rattling of china and silver.
Inside this castle is my house. Where the library is and all of the old rooms. I open all the doors and check all the rooms. I decide to stay for a while. I can fix this place up, make it feel like home again.
I see a picture of a girl. Her smile, so much like mine, moves to form a grimace.
I scream.
- Jim Morrison
Chapter 1
We get along so well, she and I. I don't realize even realize that she's killing me until she pushes me down the floor of the car, and puts a pillow on top of my face until I suffocate. Her smile, so much like mine, is the last thing I see.
Chapter 2
A group of us are at a dock, waiting for someone to tell us what to do. I note sadly that we're all dead. I see June Pangan and we exchange stories on how we died. Here, in this place, the question "How did you die?" is a perfect conversation starter.
There must be a way out, since there's a way in. That's only logical, right? I concentrate all my efforts on thinking of that way out. They say there are doors and more doors that I must go through.
I can simply retrace my steps, right? Try to remember how I got here? But I can't remember. Her smile, so much like mine, is the only thing I remember.
Chapter 3
Twilight. Still bright enough to see my way but dark enough to be concealed. I fly over fences, over houses. I am escaping, going back. The mountains are beautiful. The ravines are scary. Everything is so quiet. Until a pack of wild dogs sniff at the air, see me flying above them, and start to bark.
Shit.
Chapter 4
I keep flying. This time I'm flying over a castle. The doors conceal the parties inside but I hear the laughter and the rattling of china and silver.
Inside this castle is my house. Where the library is and all of the old rooms. I open all the doors and check all the rooms. I decide to stay for a while. I can fix this place up, make it feel like home again.
I see a picture of a girl. Her smile, so much like mine, moves to form a grimace.
I scream.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Mudberg
All this water feels claustrophobic. Days and days on this ship and I would give anything for some land.
Is this what drove Rose insane for Jack? Stuck in a cruise ship with all that luzury and nothing to do. Oh, Jack, let's hide in the ship's luggage area and let's fuck like crazy, I'm so bored, and perhaps I can wear nothing but jewelry as you sketch my likeness that will make you want to fuck me more.
Land, someone shouts, land. Oh, thank god and I look around to see if I can see it but I can't then people start screaming, and I believe it's because they're so happy like I am but no, they're frightened and when I look at where they're screaming at, I see a mountain. Land, indeed, coming towards us, or rather, or more accurately, we are coming towards the iceberg of mud -- a mudberg.
So, like, being a smart girl, I run towards the life jackets and it's quite difficult to run with all this water first around my ankles then my calves then my waist.
I am going under and I hope my family will still be able to identify my drowned, wet, dead body.
Is this what drove Rose insane for Jack? Stuck in a cruise ship with all that luzury and nothing to do. Oh, Jack, let's hide in the ship's luggage area and let's fuck like crazy, I'm so bored, and perhaps I can wear nothing but jewelry as you sketch my likeness that will make you want to fuck me more.
Land, someone shouts, land. Oh, thank god and I look around to see if I can see it but I can't then people start screaming, and I believe it's because they're so happy like I am but no, they're frightened and when I look at where they're screaming at, I see a mountain. Land, indeed, coming towards us, or rather, or more accurately, we are coming towards the iceberg of mud -- a mudberg.
So, like, being a smart girl, I run towards the life jackets and it's quite difficult to run with all this water first around my ankles then my calves then my waist.
I am going under and I hope my family will still be able to identify my drowned, wet, dead body.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Puddles, Rock, Alkaline
Restless for the likes of reckless me.
- Joni Mitchell, "Don Juan's Reckless Daughter"
Daddy is arranging to get our visas approved. I hover. Go away, he says but not angrily, go away, I can handle this. Daddy, let me help. No, no, it's quite alright. He smiles at the official, my daughter here, quite the girl to put her finger in everything. He apologizes for me, what for, it's not clear. Why is he mad at me for wanting to fix it myself? When finally it's done, approved, a-ok, we walk. Daddy, Mama and Me walk to the car. It's just rained. The ground is wet. Puddles. Are you alright, Daddy asks. Yes, see, I'm wearing my Doc Martens. I can walk on anything -- puddles, rock, alkaline. Anything at all! I deliberately step on all the puddles. My jeans are six inches in mud but I'm so happy.
- Joni Mitchell, "Don Juan's Reckless Daughter"
Daddy is arranging to get our visas approved. I hover. Go away, he says but not angrily, go away, I can handle this. Daddy, let me help. No, no, it's quite alright. He smiles at the official, my daughter here, quite the girl to put her finger in everything. He apologizes for me, what for, it's not clear. Why is he mad at me for wanting to fix it myself? When finally it's done, approved, a-ok, we walk. Daddy, Mama and Me walk to the car. It's just rained. The ground is wet. Puddles. Are you alright, Daddy asks. Yes, see, I'm wearing my Doc Martens. I can walk on anything -- puddles, rock, alkaline. Anything at all! I deliberately step on all the puddles. My jeans are six inches in mud but I'm so happy.
Monday, September 18, 2006
G
I should have known, should have known, should have known again.
But here it goes again. Oh here it goes again.
- OK GO
I'm back.
It's Normie who calls the shots. She's the shortest girl in class but she is the class president. She stands on the platform, assigning tasks, making announcements, telling everyone to keep quiet which is really the class president's main job.
She calls me Cookie. Of course there's that nastinest left over from all those years of fighting but being Seniors makes everybody feel sisterly and forgiving which is why, perhaps, she calls me Cookie. Henceforth I will allow it.
I look down at my left jumper strap. There it is -- the G. So, it's true, I'm back.
I almost drown in a wave of panic. Who knows how much time I have left to correct all the things that need to be corrected.
Step one. Ignore Anna. Less than 10 years from now she will proposition you and you'll laugh. Step two. Let Annie be. She's going to UST soon -- the school which made even Jose Rizal unhappy and in that school she will betray you. Step three. Ah, Ella. Warn her about your favorite ex who won't like her as much as she likes him. Step four -- oh forget it. This should be step one -- find Naj. Tell her! Tell her everything!
Now how can I slip past Normie?
It's no fun to go back. This responsibility, heavy like lead, heaviest around my heart.
But here it goes again. Oh here it goes again.
- OK GO
I'm back.
It's Normie who calls the shots. She's the shortest girl in class but she is the class president. She stands on the platform, assigning tasks, making announcements, telling everyone to keep quiet which is really the class president's main job.
She calls me Cookie. Of course there's that nastinest left over from all those years of fighting but being Seniors makes everybody feel sisterly and forgiving which is why, perhaps, she calls me Cookie. Henceforth I will allow it.
I look down at my left jumper strap. There it is -- the G. So, it's true, I'm back.
I almost drown in a wave of panic. Who knows how much time I have left to correct all the things that need to be corrected.
Step one. Ignore Anna. Less than 10 years from now she will proposition you and you'll laugh. Step two. Let Annie be. She's going to UST soon -- the school which made even Jose Rizal unhappy and in that school she will betray you. Step three. Ah, Ella. Warn her about your favorite ex who won't like her as much as she likes him. Step four -- oh forget it. This should be step one -- find Naj. Tell her! Tell her everything!
Now how can I slip past Normie?
It's no fun to go back. This responsibility, heavy like lead, heaviest around my heart.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Don't Ask Questions
Where do I turn? There, the cemetery gates. Tombstones, left and right. Mud. Keep going. A highway, a city. Lights. Why is there a city in the middle of a cemetery? Don't ask questions. Keep driving. Where is this going? The car has no breaks. It's not going to stop. My legs won't move. My arms won't move. I can't drive. The cemetery gates. Tombstones. Mud.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Fair is Fair
Hear them listening. Hear them talking.
Bark, bark, bark, bark.
Talking nonsense.
- Possum Dixon
It's Anna who helps me read my new schedule. She rattles off names of classes I should attend, their times, their venues. I listen carefully but I don't understand her -- it seems as if she's talking too fast and I wonder if I'm getting enough sleep.
And I wonder why she's talking to me. Or if anyone is watching. Or if it's all in my head.
She's saying something important. I concentrate to understand. It has to do with a ring.
"You'll have to give me your rings. As payment, you know."
"No, I don't know."
"Fair is fair, Camille."
And I start to cry. It isn't fair. I don't understand my schedule any better, I'm stuck in my old uniform, I seem to have lost my sense of hearing and now I have to give her my rings.
I hand them to her. She bites off the diamond of the engagement ring (formerly mine) and winks at me.
Bark, bark, bark, bark.
Talking nonsense.
- Possum Dixon
It's Anna who helps me read my new schedule. She rattles off names of classes I should attend, their times, their venues. I listen carefully but I don't understand her -- it seems as if she's talking too fast and I wonder if I'm getting enough sleep.
And I wonder why she's talking to me. Or if anyone is watching. Or if it's all in my head.
She's saying something important. I concentrate to understand. It has to do with a ring.
"You'll have to give me your rings. As payment, you know."
"No, I don't know."
"Fair is fair, Camille."
And I start to cry. It isn't fair. I don't understand my schedule any better, I'm stuck in my old uniform, I seem to have lost my sense of hearing and now I have to give her my rings.
I hand them to her. She bites off the diamond of the engagement ring (formerly mine) and winks at me.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Sigh
The walls are made of glass and security is strict. Paolo gets in because he swiped a special ID that I had no idea he had. I search my wallet hoping to find something like his but I take too long and the guards get suspicious.
"I must have lost it," I say.
Paolo intervenes. I watch him talk (watch because I can't seem to hear him) to the guard, explaining, entreating, joking. They lighten up and they let me in only if I arrange to get myself a new ID.
I look at Paolo surprised. I don't know what I'm doing but it sure feels fraudulent.
He tells me, "Just go along with it. It's no problem. I promise."
So I apply for a new ID but whoah, what's this, I have to stand in line at the salon to get my hair and makeup done and wait for a photographer to make me to a scenic location where I will finally get my headshot taken.
"All this for an ID? What kind of ID is this anyway? What kind of a place is this? Who do they think they are that they can do this to me?"
(I myself can't understand why I'm so angry over this.)
Paolo says nothing but I think I hear him sigh.
"I must have lost it," I say.
Paolo intervenes. I watch him talk (watch because I can't seem to hear him) to the guard, explaining, entreating, joking. They lighten up and they let me in only if I arrange to get myself a new ID.
I look at Paolo surprised. I don't know what I'm doing but it sure feels fraudulent.
He tells me, "Just go along with it. It's no problem. I promise."
So I apply for a new ID but whoah, what's this, I have to stand in line at the salon to get my hair and makeup done and wait for a photographer to make me to a scenic location where I will finally get my headshot taken.
"All this for an ID? What kind of ID is this anyway? What kind of a place is this? Who do they think they are that they can do this to me?"
(I myself can't understand why I'm so angry over this.)
Paolo says nothing but I think I hear him sigh.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Annie
Nyanne and I are five years old.
"This is exactly the way it is in my dreams, Annie." Annie like before. We walk out into the school yard, holding hands, buddy system and then we fly.
We spend so much time in the air just staring down at school. By the time we land, we're seniors, late for class and we have a hard time getting back to our room.
When we finally find our room, the teacher is in the middle of a lecture and the we see that the classroom has boys. This means we're in college now.
"Good afternoon," the teacher says.
"Uh, hi." This makes the class laugh. Annie and I scamper away giggling. We hide in the next room which is empty and dark.
Ying, April and Estee come to pick me up.
"Cami, come inside. It's an important class. Where have you been?"
"I got lost."
"Lost? But you're a Scholastican! You should know this place!"
"Yes but I haven't been in this part of the campus since I was in... PREP!" I sigh. "Come, Annie," I say turning to the figure slouched against the wall.
"No," she says, "you dragged me out of there and now I'm not going back."
I consider. I do want to attend class but Annie is... I dunno. I feel responsible for her now. Guilt trip.
"Well Annie, what do you think we should do? I know I got you into this but now I miss class and I want to go back."
"Cami!" Ying sounds impatient. "Who are you talking to?"
Ying is right. There's no one there.
"This is exactly the way it is in my dreams, Annie." Annie like before. We walk out into the school yard, holding hands, buddy system and then we fly.
We spend so much time in the air just staring down at school. By the time we land, we're seniors, late for class and we have a hard time getting back to our room.
When we finally find our room, the teacher is in the middle of a lecture and the we see that the classroom has boys. This means we're in college now.
"Good afternoon," the teacher says.
"Uh, hi." This makes the class laugh. Annie and I scamper away giggling. We hide in the next room which is empty and dark.
Ying, April and Estee come to pick me up.
"Cami, come inside. It's an important class. Where have you been?"
"I got lost."
"Lost? But you're a Scholastican! You should know this place!"
"Yes but I haven't been in this part of the campus since I was in... PREP!" I sigh. "Come, Annie," I say turning to the figure slouched against the wall.
"No," she says, "you dragged me out of there and now I'm not going back."
I consider. I do want to attend class but Annie is... I dunno. I feel responsible for her now. Guilt trip.
"Well Annie, what do you think we should do? I know I got you into this but now I miss class and I want to go back."
"Cami!" Ying sounds impatient. "Who are you talking to?"
Ying is right. There's no one there.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Exactly Like Me
I see them from the gap in the door so instead of stepping out and passing where they are I exit the back door and circle around the house. I realize that I'm being rude, that if I were younger Zitang would pinch me right in the singit for not entertaining callers properly thereby giving the family a bad name. I decide to risk it anyway and hide.
He sees me anyway.
"Cookie, what are you doing?" he asks.
"What does it look like?" I ask back. A question for a question.
"Hay, Cookie. Tumanda na tayo't lahat. Ganyan ka pa rin. Halika na!"
"Ano ba. Tignan mo. I'm drawing circles in the mud!"
This makes him laugh and he picks me up and dusts my shorts, fixes my hair and says, "I want you to come inside to meet my wife."
On our way back inside, I wonder what this girl looks like, my aftermath, his so-called wife.
My heart skips a beat when I see her face. I whisper to him, "Kiko, she looks exactly like me!"
He sees me anyway.
"Cookie, what are you doing?" he asks.
"What does it look like?" I ask back. A question for a question.
"Hay, Cookie. Tumanda na tayo't lahat. Ganyan ka pa rin. Halika na!"
"Ano ba. Tignan mo. I'm drawing circles in the mud!"
This makes him laugh and he picks me up and dusts my shorts, fixes my hair and says, "I want you to come inside to meet my wife."
On our way back inside, I wonder what this girl looks like, my aftermath, his so-called wife.
My heart skips a beat when I see her face. I whisper to him, "Kiko, she looks exactly like me!"
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Praise God
I don't want to sit across the table from you wishing I could run.
- Cake
Rom and I are finallly united in our hatred for each other. The marriage rites are over and we are now (puke!) husband and wife.
We obviously skip the honeymoon and my old room in Princeton is the safest place to hide from him and from everybody else. This is where I take refuge before I have to face the world and show up for work.
I'm gloomy and can't concentrate on my job which is to clean toilets and I ask my fellow toilet-scrubers, "What should I do? I hate him. I've always hated him and now I'm (puke!) married to him."
"Gosh," they say. "Talk to him. Reverse it. There has to be a way."
Funnily enough, I see Rom pass by the rows of toilets I have to clean and we merely smile that makes us both look like we are constipated.
Later, I confront him and remember to apply the sandwich approach. Positive-negative-positive. "Rom," I begin by ass-kissing, "I've always thought you were a logical man."
I can't believe it. This insincere statement has captivated him. He sits enthralled, waiting for more. I take advantage of my momentum and continue.
"But it looks like, through no fault of ours, we've gotten ourselves in an Impossible Situation."
He agrees, I can't believe how easy this is going to be. This is, by far, the easiest breakup I have ever engineered!
"You and I will have to work together to un-marry ourselves." I pause dramatically. "Do you concur?"
"What?" Hay dios ko, bobo talaga.
"Do you agree?" I paraphrase.
"Yes, yes, surely."
"Wait a minute, wait a minute!" I say. I am starting to see the light.
"What is it, what is it?" he asks.
"Diba before you left for Australia, you married what's-her-face? O, that means, under Philippine Law, you're still married to her! Therefore your marriage to me is - is - NULL! Diba? Makes sense?"
"Tama ka Camille but now what are we gonna do? Our parents..."
"Never mind our parents! Let me call my lawyer." By 'my lawyer' I just mean 'my friend Naj.'
We sit nervously while I call her cell. When she picks up I start ranting, "Tangina, Naj. So, Rom and I got (puke!) married totally against our wishes and so we want to reverse it and it turns out he's still married to what's-her-face, at least under Philippine law. God, I so want out of this. Can you get me out of this?"
"Camille," she says quite puzzled, "you don't have to look to Rom's marriage because... You are married. Remember? You married Paolo!"
"Ooohhhhh! You're right! Fuck! Praise God!"
- Cake
Rom and I are finallly united in our hatred for each other. The marriage rites are over and we are now (puke!) husband and wife.
We obviously skip the honeymoon and my old room in Princeton is the safest place to hide from him and from everybody else. This is where I take refuge before I have to face the world and show up for work.
I'm gloomy and can't concentrate on my job which is to clean toilets and I ask my fellow toilet-scrubers, "What should I do? I hate him. I've always hated him and now I'm (puke!) married to him."
"Gosh," they say. "Talk to him. Reverse it. There has to be a way."
Funnily enough, I see Rom pass by the rows of toilets I have to clean and we merely smile that makes us both look like we are constipated.
Later, I confront him and remember to apply the sandwich approach. Positive-negative-positive. "Rom," I begin by ass-kissing, "I've always thought you were a logical man."
I can't believe it. This insincere statement has captivated him. He sits enthralled, waiting for more. I take advantage of my momentum and continue.
"But it looks like, through no fault of ours, we've gotten ourselves in an Impossible Situation."
He agrees, I can't believe how easy this is going to be. This is, by far, the easiest breakup I have ever engineered!
"You and I will have to work together to un-marry ourselves." I pause dramatically. "Do you concur?"
"What?" Hay dios ko, bobo talaga.
"Do you agree?" I paraphrase.
"Yes, yes, surely."
"Wait a minute, wait a minute!" I say. I am starting to see the light.
"What is it, what is it?" he asks.
"Diba before you left for Australia, you married what's-her-face? O, that means, under Philippine Law, you're still married to her! Therefore your marriage to me is - is - NULL! Diba? Makes sense?"
"Tama ka Camille but now what are we gonna do? Our parents..."
"Never mind our parents! Let me call my lawyer." By 'my lawyer' I just mean 'my friend Naj.'
We sit nervously while I call her cell. When she picks up I start ranting, "Tangina, Naj. So, Rom and I got (puke!) married totally against our wishes and so we want to reverse it and it turns out he's still married to what's-her-face, at least under Philippine law. God, I so want out of this. Can you get me out of this?"
"Camille," she says quite puzzled, "you don't have to look to Rom's marriage because... You are married. Remember? You married Paolo!"
"Ooohhhhh! You're right! Fuck! Praise God!"
Friday, July 28, 2006
Skinhead Boy
We hold hands as soon as we are out of sight. We exchange meaningful smiles, smiles that carry promises, smiles that tease, smiles that are there simply because we are so happy.
It's hot and dark and the alley is filled with the cooking smells - inasal, sinigang, adobo, grilled lamb chops, roast duck, garlic.
We make our way to the heart of the alley and I can't get over him. This skinhead boy with the long legs and washboard tummy. I brush against him just to feel him and he brushes back.
He pulls me inside one store in the alley and asks me, "What do you want to eat?"
"Anything," I say.
He takes a good look at all the food spread out and as he is choosing, I lean on him and put my arms around his waist and tell him, "I love you, Skinhead Boy."
He leans over for a long, wet kiss.
It's hot and dark and the alley is filled with the cooking smells - inasal, sinigang, adobo, grilled lamb chops, roast duck, garlic.
We make our way to the heart of the alley and I can't get over him. This skinhead boy with the long legs and washboard tummy. I brush against him just to feel him and he brushes back.
He pulls me inside one store in the alley and asks me, "What do you want to eat?"
"Anything," I say.
He takes a good look at all the food spread out and as he is choosing, I lean on him and put my arms around his waist and tell him, "I love you, Skinhead Boy."
He leans over for a long, wet kiss.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
The Missing Skirt and The Irate Caller
Someone had a bright idea to have a wedding photo-op and for some reason everyone agreed. So here we all are again in church, re-constructing our wedding for the camera. In between shots I sit around in my wedding attire sans skirt and put on a pair of shorts.
When it's time to shoot our wedding kiss, I can't find my skirt. I try to convince everyone that my shorts will have to do. Do I not look so deconstructed? So postmodern? This is the look on this month's Italian Vogue, I swear! Perhaps the photographer can later on just photoshop a skirt on my person. But no, everyone insists that I should not stop until I find my skirt. I look everywhere but I don't find it and everyone is so annoyed at me because it looks as if we will have yet another wedding pictorial.
***
Jill answers her cell phone, listens and hands the phone to me. "It's Moe. For you."
I gesture wildly, like in charadres, shake my hands to mean, "No, no, no!"
Jill takes on a very professional manner (I guess it's her call center training) and says to her phone, "She can't come to the phone right now. May I take a message?"
She listens and from time to time covers the mouthpiece to repeat snippets of his message to me. "He hates you. He regrets ever having known you. He hopes you go to hell."
The rest of the barkada form a panel and comment on this new development. It is so American Idol.
"Who is Moe?" wonders Chingkay.
"MInsan mas mabuti na ang walang balita," says TL.
"This calls for an intervention," declares Nins.
As soon as Jill hangs up, she rolls her eyes as if to dismiss the call and says quite lazily, "What an irate caller."
I smile. Irate caller! I haven't heard that term in... years! And what a term to call Moe. It's so ironic but nobody but Jill and I understand the joke so when our eyes meet we burst out laughing.
When it's time to shoot our wedding kiss, I can't find my skirt. I try to convince everyone that my shorts will have to do. Do I not look so deconstructed? So postmodern? This is the look on this month's Italian Vogue, I swear! Perhaps the photographer can later on just photoshop a skirt on my person. But no, everyone insists that I should not stop until I find my skirt. I look everywhere but I don't find it and everyone is so annoyed at me because it looks as if we will have yet another wedding pictorial.
***
Jill answers her cell phone, listens and hands the phone to me. "It's Moe. For you."
I gesture wildly, like in charadres, shake my hands to mean, "No, no, no!"
Jill takes on a very professional manner (I guess it's her call center training) and says to her phone, "She can't come to the phone right now. May I take a message?"
She listens and from time to time covers the mouthpiece to repeat snippets of his message to me. "He hates you. He regrets ever having known you. He hopes you go to hell."
The rest of the barkada form a panel and comment on this new development. It is so American Idol.
"Who is Moe?" wonders Chingkay.
"MInsan mas mabuti na ang walang balita," says TL.
"This calls for an intervention," declares Nins.
As soon as Jill hangs up, she rolls her eyes as if to dismiss the call and says quite lazily, "What an irate caller."
I smile. Irate caller! I haven't heard that term in... years! And what a term to call Moe. It's so ironic but nobody but Jill and I understand the joke so when our eyes meet we burst out laughing.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
The Other Wife
I bring it up in the most frank and calm way I can manage: "My love. There is a woman outside the house who says she is your wife. Your real wife. Is she telling the truth? 'Yes or No' lang please."
He hangs his head in shame and tells me that truly, the woman outside is telling the truth. He says I have to leave now. Thank you, good bye.
"Asshole. Do you know how much trouble you would have saved me if you had just told me about this sooner? Unbelievable."
I'm so stunned and confused that I don't know what to pack first. I just take a bag, stuff in the bank books and some money and put Forest on a leash. I realize I can carry more stuff so I take his bath tub.
On the way out I meet the other wife. I take a good look at her and realize that instead of jealousy, I feel pity and I want to reach out to her and tell her, "Good luck," but Paolo hurriedly takes her inside and shuts the gates on me.
He hangs his head in shame and tells me that truly, the woman outside is telling the truth. He says I have to leave now. Thank you, good bye.
"Asshole. Do you know how much trouble you would have saved me if you had just told me about this sooner? Unbelievable."
I'm so stunned and confused that I don't know what to pack first. I just take a bag, stuff in the bank books and some money and put Forest on a leash. I realize I can carry more stuff so I take his bath tub.
On the way out I meet the other wife. I take a good look at her and realize that instead of jealousy, I feel pity and I want to reach out to her and tell her, "Good luck," but Paolo hurriedly takes her inside and shuts the gates on me.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Game Master
They say I have to stand in front and wet all these people with this hose. Are they crazy? It's for the party, they say. I volunteered to be game master, do I remember?
So I gather everyone and make them form 2 lines (the teacher in me takes over) and lead them out into the field. The idea is so ridiculous that I can't stop myself from giggling and people keep asking me, "What's so funny? Why are you laughing?" And I say, "Nothing, nothing. Heeheehee."
Out in the field, I make them stand in little groups while I take out the hose and before anyone can ask me what I'm doing with a hose in my hand, I start spraying.
They all start squealing and wiggling about and by now I'm laughing out loud. It's just too inane. I don't think anyone would want me to be game master after this and that thought is so funny -- though I don't know why -- that I keep laughing.
I laugh so much that the hose shakes. It lifts off the ground. I step up into the air. Into the air! I'm flying! Me and the hose are flying! From my vantage point, I keep spraying the people and they keep squealing. What fools. And since I can't resist a little bit of added attention, I spray myself with water and do cartwheels in the air and the fool crowd claps for me.
So I gather everyone and make them form 2 lines (the teacher in me takes over) and lead them out into the field. The idea is so ridiculous that I can't stop myself from giggling and people keep asking me, "What's so funny? Why are you laughing?" And I say, "Nothing, nothing. Heeheehee."
Out in the field, I make them stand in little groups while I take out the hose and before anyone can ask me what I'm doing with a hose in my hand, I start spraying.
They all start squealing and wiggling about and by now I'm laughing out loud. It's just too inane. I don't think anyone would want me to be game master after this and that thought is so funny -- though I don't know why -- that I keep laughing.
I laugh so much that the hose shakes. It lifts off the ground. I step up into the air. Into the air! I'm flying! Me and the hose are flying! From my vantage point, I keep spraying the people and they keep squealing. What fools. And since I can't resist a little bit of added attention, I spray myself with water and do cartwheels in the air and the fool crowd claps for me.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Jojo Grecia
I call Jojo Grecia as soon as I realize where I am. That I am back here is hard to accept but even sadder is that maybe I never even left. Jojo can explain. He will tell me what happened and what I should do.
He assures me that he will meet me for lunch. Which means, of course, 2 am. When I see him, I start crying just because he's so familiar. Everyone I was friends with, everyone I know is gone.
He says he has to take a train to get to the next building and he tells me to ride with him. On the ride, I rest my head on his shoulder and he holds me tight to keep me from sliding off my seat. Keeping his voice down to a whisper, he tells me what happened, that someone is after me, that as long as I don't tell anyone who I am I will be okay.
He assures me that he will meet me for lunch. Which means, of course, 2 am. When I see him, I start crying just because he's so familiar. Everyone I was friends with, everyone I know is gone.
He says he has to take a train to get to the next building and he tells me to ride with him. On the ride, I rest my head on his shoulder and he holds me tight to keep me from sliding off my seat. Keeping his voice down to a whisper, he tells me what happened, that someone is after me, that as long as I don't tell anyone who I am I will be okay.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Incredible Scorn
He’s been lecturing me for quite some time now. I try to be empathetic, to listen with my heart, to unleash my inner Oprah but I have no clue as to what he’s talking about. He’s tall and bald and so, so hot. Just look at his butt!
Oh I swear, when he came towards me, I undressed him (in my mind) and by the time he said his first angry word, I consummated the relationship (in my mind). Still I am stunned when he asks, “What kind of girlfriend are you?”
“You are an awful girlfriend.” Oh dear. A scene.
Quickly I scan my mental files. Quickly I scan the area around us -- no one must overhear this demented conversation. This man claims to be my boyfriend! How can I have forgotten him? I am getting old. I forget boyfriends (present ones at that!) as easily as I forget the dates. I’m too embarrassed by my lapse and though I don’t remember his name and can swear I’ve never met him in my life, I try to pacify him, to be polite. Surely good manners will see me through.
He continues, still dignified, but this time holding back tears. “You promised to come with me. I went with you wherever you took me. It’s all about you. You’re so selfish but I still love you. Please come back.”
I don’t understand it but I am crying as well. I’m so moved! This man still loves me! If I could just remember his name!
He turns around and leaves and I stand (I’ve been sitting on the pavement) and scamper along. “Wait, wait! I’m sorry! Please, don’t be like that. Wait! You! I still love you too!” Now, what the fuck is his name?
I lose him. It’s a big crowd – the auditorium is full. The concert has ended and Sunshine and Seo have come to take me home.
“God, “ I begin. “God! I feel awful! My boyfriend’s name completely slipped my mind! Talk about awkward! Poor guy! Oh well. Oh well, have you seen my husband?”
“You’re married?!?” they exclaim together, on their faces a look of incredible scorn.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Bring the Rum
Get used to the lonesome
Girl, you must atone some
- The Shins
"We are all worried sick," the note begins. "Your sudden disappearance has caused us much distress. Where have you been? You are reading this note which means you are back. You have done a lot of wrong that you must atone for. You can start by doing a turn at the oval."
I sigh and change my pretty shoes for roller blades. Punishments, punishments. Fuck.
This oval that they are talking about is a complex roller-blading rink complete with landscapes and seascapes and whatever view you can imagine.
I skate out to it with a heavy heart, deliberately ignoring the gorgeous scenery and not looking any of the other skaters in the eye. Alex Vista sees me and exclaims that he misses me and since I am going for a turn, he might go for a turn too and he runs inside to change.
"Bring the rum!" I yell out to him as he disappears.
Girl, you must atone some
- The Shins
"We are all worried sick," the note begins. "Your sudden disappearance has caused us much distress. Where have you been? You are reading this note which means you are back. You have done a lot of wrong that you must atone for. You can start by doing a turn at the oval."
I sigh and change my pretty shoes for roller blades. Punishments, punishments. Fuck.
This oval that they are talking about is a complex roller-blading rink complete with landscapes and seascapes and whatever view you can imagine.
I skate out to it with a heavy heart, deliberately ignoring the gorgeous scenery and not looking any of the other skaters in the eye. Alex Vista sees me and exclaims that he misses me and since I am going for a turn, he might go for a turn too and he runs inside to change.
"Bring the rum!" I yell out to him as he disappears.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Two Weddings and a Giant Bouquet
Rica had 2 weddings. The first one didn't have the groom. In fact, it didn't have any men present at all. It was just us girls in our best gowns partying in the church. It was like some kind of debut.
The second was the same ceremony but this time with the groom and the rest of the men. It was more sober. It was like some kind of funeral.
I asked her why go through double the trouble and she said, "It's the way it's done." So I thought back to my own wedding but seemed to remember doing it only once. I felt awful.
Rica looked beautiful in both her weddings. But by the time it was time for us to do it again, everyone was so pooped and the girl's dresses didn't look too fresh. I was too distracted that when it was time for me to walk down the aisle as bridesmaid I realized I had left my bouquet somewhere and I tried to remember where I put it but I couldn't remember and the look of the church kept changing so it was useless to try to find it.
I yanked a fistful of flowers from a nearby pot and starting my walk down the aisle. I thought I would be alright but people kept handing me all kinds of flowers and I started having a hard time walking steady. I dragged my feet. I started to sway. The slit of my skirt ripped and exposed the whole length of my thigh. I wanted to hold on to my skirt but both my hands were busy grasping the motley bouquet to keep it steady.
By the time I got to the front, Rica's 2nd Wedding Ceremony was over and I was exhausted and had in my possession a bouquet so unusual and so large that they would later have to knock down one of the church's walls for me to be able to get out with it.
The second was the same ceremony but this time with the groom and the rest of the men. It was more sober. It was like some kind of funeral.
I asked her why go through double the trouble and she said, "It's the way it's done." So I thought back to my own wedding but seemed to remember doing it only once. I felt awful.
Rica looked beautiful in both her weddings. But by the time it was time for us to do it again, everyone was so pooped and the girl's dresses didn't look too fresh. I was too distracted that when it was time for me to walk down the aisle as bridesmaid I realized I had left my bouquet somewhere and I tried to remember where I put it but I couldn't remember and the look of the church kept changing so it was useless to try to find it.
I yanked a fistful of flowers from a nearby pot and starting my walk down the aisle. I thought I would be alright but people kept handing me all kinds of flowers and I started having a hard time walking steady. I dragged my feet. I started to sway. The slit of my skirt ripped and exposed the whole length of my thigh. I wanted to hold on to my skirt but both my hands were busy grasping the motley bouquet to keep it steady.
By the time I got to the front, Rica's 2nd Wedding Ceremony was over and I was exhausted and had in my possession a bouquet so unusual and so large that they would later have to knock down one of the church's walls for me to be able to get out with it.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
21 Again
My Darling Love, what did you do to your hair? What made you shave it all off? Did you save me a lock? You look funny, like an egg.
You've woken me up and you're now lying beside me and smiling because you got away with cutting your hair.
Darling, the idea was to look like George Harrison (circa Abbey Road). Now you just look funny, like an egg. I will never forgive you.
But I do forgive you because you say, "You can pretend I'm 21 again and you can close your eyes and run your hand across my shaven head while we make love and it will be like before."
I close my eyes and it is like you said it would be.
You've woken me up and you're now lying beside me and smiling because you got away with cutting your hair.
Darling, the idea was to look like George Harrison (circa Abbey Road). Now you just look funny, like an egg. I will never forgive you.
But I do forgive you because you say, "You can pretend I'm 21 again and you can close your eyes and run your hand across my shaven head while we make love and it will be like before."
I close my eyes and it is like you said it would be.
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